Arrested Romance
by JaggedHands
Summary: Inspiration from episode 'undercover mother'. Amanda Rollins little sister has been abducted by a prostitution ring. Amanda herself goes undercover as a Madame in hopes to find her. She later gets arrested by Det. Benson. Will Olivia believe her? Will she help her find her sister, or will she go to desperate measures to save her?
1. Chapter 1

Arrested Romance

"Elliot, I saw Maureen downstairs is everything alright?" Detective Olivia Benson sat down by her desk getting ready for another days work at the 16th precinct.

Elliot took a sip from his coffee. "Yeah, Dickie is in the emergency room. Apparently you can fit three raw chickpeas up your nasal cavity."

The brunette chuckled as she sorted out a few loose papers on her desk. "Sometimes I'm glad I don't have have kids. Especially four of them. How are the crew and Kathy?"

"They are all fine, thanks for asking. They are keeping their parents busy with their stunts, boyfriends and bickering." He smiled. "Wouldn't have it any other way though. I just wish I had a bit more time for them. They're growing too fast."

Liv gratefully accepted a cup of caffeine, detective Fin Tutuola offered her. "Yeah, thank god mine is fully grown," he said, "I can't remember how many times I had to take Ken to the A and E. Its in boys DNA to test the boundaries."

"I have a theory on that matter." Detective John Munch interrupted. Before he could say anything else Fin put a hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah, not now partner. Its too early for any of your theories and besides, we have a perp to interrogate." They both disappeared, heading into a squad room where the suspected pedophile was waiting.

Olivia started on her paperwork. There was always a pile of papers that needed attention but with such a busy schedule and countless perps, to chase down and arrest, there was not much time for anything else. She was hopeful that she could get some done this morning. She was interrupted by captain Craigan opening the door to his office. "Liv, what's the status on the Johnson case? I need to view it and sign it off."

"I'm just finishing it up, Cap. I'll have it on your desk in a few." He seemed happy enough with that answer.

"Hopefully it will be a quiet morning so I can tackle my mile high stack of paperwork. We all could use a personal secretary but I'm afraid that suggestion won't hit home for the captain. What do you say, El?" She got no reply. Glancing over to her partners desk she saw him deeply invested in a case file. "Elliot!?" His head snapped up and his whole face resembled a question mark. "That just answered my question."

Elliot looked confused. "What question?"

Liv sighed and got back into work mode. "Never mind."

Her wish came true. For almost three hours there wasn't one phone call or any interruptions and she was down to her last case file when the captain emerged from his office and wanted to speak to Olivia and Elliot in private. "What's up Cap?" Liv asked.

Craigen sighed and put his hands in his pockets. "I just got an anonymous tip about a prostitution ring. All I have is an address. I need you two to check it out but be careful. Don't go busting down any doors until we have some kind of proof. Observe from a distant. Am I clear?"

Elliot reached out for the slip of paper with the address on it. "Crystal clear, Cap."

They headed out the precinct pulling their collars up higher to keep the cold New York winter air out. "I'm driving." Liv said.

Her partner scrunched up his face. "Why?"

"Cause I said so." She held up her hands as Elliot tossed her the car keys.

Elliot rubbed his hands together and breathed frozen digits trying to get some warmth into them. "What idiot made this call. Its been hours and all we've seen is an old lady in a wheelchair passing the building. I'm getting frost bite over here." He kept rubbing his hands.

Olivia, who was smart enough to wear gloves, waved her hands in front of his face. "Ever heard of gloves, partner? They are like socks but for your hands so they don't get cold in the winter. You should try it." She glanced down at her watch. "And for your information, it's been two and a half hours. We'll give it another thirty minutes. Put your hands in your armpits."

They waited. Elliot had given up rubbing his hands, it was useless. They were still as cold as they were an hour ago. "We've got something. Look El!"

A man coming out from the run down house, fixing his shirt and jacket as if he had just gotten dressed. "Its not enough evidence. He could be living there, Liv. We've still got nothing."

Olivia was still looking out the window hoping to see something more they could use. "I know that, El. At least it's a start. We'll give it another hour or so. I'll call the captain and let him know we're staying a bit longer. It will be getting dark soon anyway and we're more likely to see more guys walking out of that hell hole."

She cleared it with the captain and just as she ended the call, another man came out and only a few minutes later another one. She looked over at her partner. "Still think that the first guy we saw lives there?"

"Maybe they are all banging each other." The brunette knew her partner wasn't serious and gestured for him to continue taking pictures. It was quiet after that and nothing else happened. They decided to call it off for now and head back to the station to inform the captain of what they got so far.

"Three men in about three and a half hours." He slammed down the photos on his desk, a bit frustrated. Olivia stepped in.

"Cap, I'm sure we can get more evidence during night time. Scumbags like this think they can get away with it in the dark. I have a feeling there is more to this." Craigen sat down on his office chair and sighed.

"Okay, you and Elliot are on steakout duty tonight. Take as many photos as you can. If there is something going on, I know you will find it. Just be careful and stay warm. Its gonna be a cold one. Go home, get some sleep, come back when it's dark and head out again. Hopefully you can give me something solid to go on." He looked up at his two best detectives. "If you find nothing, I'm gonna have to call it off. We don't have time or the finances to go chasing false claims."

Elliot headed towards the door. "We will cap."

"I see you took my advice on wearing gloves, El. You're learning fast." Olivia grinned and took a sip of her steaming cup of black brew.

"I had a good teacher. I even brought a scarf too." He proudly showed her the blue scarf that was half hidden under his jacket.

"Your mum would be proud." Olivia replied.

The dark was slowly creeping in and it dropped a couple of degrees. Two hours into their watch, a black SUV with tinted windows pulled up just outside the front door. Two men stepped out, one of them opened the door to the backseat. Olivia was quick with the camera, snapping shots rapidly. Three young girls appeared, high heels short skirts and dolled up. There was no doubt in the detectives mind what they were looking at.

Elliot quickly scribbled down the car's registration number. The crew made their way up the narrow staircase and a young woman opened the door and let them enter. Before closing it again, she quickly scanned the area to make sure it was safe. Making the whole situation look even more suspicious.

"I think we've got what we need but we should stay for another hour or so just in case." Liv didn't want to take any chances and Elliot agreed. Only ten minutes later three men came into view from around the corner of the building, heading up the stairs. Liv quickly zoomed in on the camera and took a dozen of pictures. She saw something, a glare that lasted for a second coming from one of the men's waist. The streetlamp must have reflected onto it and there was no doubt in Olivia's mind of what it was. A gun.

She turned to Elliot. "Did you see That?"

The male detective was watching with deep interest. "Yup. Looked like a gun to me." He turned to his partner of almost fifteen years. "Did you get a picture of the gun? We need proof, Liv. They're not just gonna take out word for it."

Liv went through the photographs and zoomed in on the man's waist. There is was. Not as clear as she wanted it to be, but you could easily make out that it was a gun. "Sure did. I'll call it in."

They were close to the building yet keeping a safe distance. Submachine guns, assault rifles and sniper rifles were being checked and secured before they were handed out to the squad. Bulletproof vests could be seen on every squad member and thick uniforms to keep the cold out. Every precaution has been taken and the adrenaline was oozing. It was time to make their bust.

The SWAT team skillfully made their way towards their target. The SVU squad could not enter until it was safe to do so, so for now they were kept tagging behind. In just a few seconds he'll would break loose. Olivia braced herself. Taking a deep breath she tightened the hold on her gun.

The front door was now busted open and the crew quickly made their way inside. Olivia and Elliot waiting to be cleared to enter. "NYPD, drop your weapons, put your hands on your head and stay put. Do not move. I repeat, drop your weapons and do not move."

Olivia heard screaming, crying and angry male voices. No shots had been fired and the SVU detectives was clear to enter. Inside the SWAT team had already secured the place. Two guns were lying on the floor and they were quickly put away into evidence bags to be scanned for prints. Munch, Fin and Craigen stepped inside, handcuffs ready for arrest.

Olivia took a quick look around the room. There were six girls in total. All looking scared and about to run. "Its okay, we're not here to hurt you." Liv held her hands up to show them that she meant no harm. "You'll have to come with us to the station. No one is goin to get hurt but we need to leave now." Her voice was stern. She gestured them to come along. "Come on, its okay."

Hesitantly the young girls, who couldn't be older than seventeen tops, were slowly escorted out of the premises by the SVU team. When the group of girls had moved from their spot Olivia caught a glimpse of blonde hair before it disappeared behind a corner. "Hey!" Olivia, gun in hand, followed suit and caught up with the woman trying to escape. "Stop it right there. Put your hands on you head and turn around, slowly."

The blonde stopped dead in her tracks, shoulders slumped in defeat. Cautiously placing her hands on her head, she slowly turned around. Olivia's brown eyes met clear blue. The blonde hair reached below her shoulders. The detective could tell straight away that she was not one of the girls they just escorted out. This must be their Madame or pimp. She was dressed in tight black jeans, stilettos, a sleeveless top that didn't leave much to the imagination and jewelry to accessorize. Olivia guessed she must be in her mid thirties.

The brunette spoke first. "What's your name?" The gun was still pointed towards the smaller woman.

The blonde fixed her eyes on Olivia's. "Amanda. Amanda Rollins."

Grabbing her cuffs Olivia brought the hands down and swiftly cuffed her. "Amanda Rollins, you are under arrest for endangering the welfare of a minor. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can, and will, be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you can't afford one, one will be appointed to you."

That was all Olivia could charge her with at the moment, since she had no proof or evidence of which role Amanda played in all of this. The blonde was taken outside and placed into a squad car.


	2. Chapter 2 I'm not a criminal

Chapter 2

I'm not a criminal

Stables, Fin, Munch and Benson was as frustrated as Craigen. During the interrogations, he just witnessed, made him none the wiser. None of the girls would talk, too afraid of what was going to happen to them if their pimp found out or of going to jail. All the detectives knew was their names printed on their ID cards and they were probably fake too but it was all they had for now.

"They're not gonna talk, Cap. They're too scared." Olivia leaned against the wall outside a squad room, looking in through the glass at the youngest looking girl, Samira. The detective had chosen to question her alone, thinking she could somehow get through to her or break her. Since she appeared to be the youngest, Benson thought she would be the easiest target but she was so wrong! Not a word had she spoken and Olivia was running out of options.

"I don't blame them, Liv. I probably wouldn't talk either. The other girls are the same. Munch and Fin are going through missing kids database to see if they were reported missing. Their families could still be out looking for them. What did Stabler find out?"

Liv chuckled. "They are all denying buying sex. Claiming they were just hanging out, drinking a few beers and that they didn't know there were gonna be any girls there. The two pimps are in denial too. Saying there is no crime in hooking up with several good looking girls tat the same time. He's questioning the Madam of the house next. Maybe she'll give us something." She sighed. "Its so frustrating. We all know what we are looking at, we just need one lead. One single lead to continue from here."

"Cap?!" Elliot approached looking somewhat passed. "Ms Rollins won't answer to me. She wants to speak to someone in charge."

Craigen sighed in defeat. "Okay. El, why don't you help Fin and Munch going though missing people. Liv, come with me. She might be more comfortable with a female detective. These teenagers has to come from somewhere. Let's find out ASAP, shall we?"

"Yes, Cap." Elliot was already on his way.

Olivia followed Craigen into the interrogation room where the blonde was waiting. Sitting down by the table with her head down Olivia thought she almost resembled a child, she looked so small. Clearing his throat the Cap broke the silence. "I'm Captain Don Craigen and this is one of my detectives Olivia Benson. I heard you wanted to speak to someone in charge." He sat down in the empty chair across from the blonde. "Speak."

Blue eyes suddenly appeared, resting on the captain's stern face. The emotions playing across her features confused Olivia. She saw anger, fear, defeat, exhaustion and desperation. She had dark circles under her eyes, indicating lack of sleep. Her small frame looked frail and brittle, almost sickly. Her hands, resting around a plastic cup half filled with water, were shaking and she quickly let go to disguise the trembling.

Finally, she spoke up. "I'm...," she tried to clear her raspy throat. "I know those guys." She shifted slightly in the uncomfortable seat. "I can help you out and..."

"So, you're looking to get a deal?" Craigen interrupted.

Amanda sighed and slightly shook her head, letting a few strands of hair fall into her eyes but she didn't seem to care. "No," she said, "it's not like that."

"Well, what's it like then?" Olivia shot back. "Cause you are looking at criminal charges Ms Rollins." Slowly the brunette stepped closer to where they were seated. Craigen hadn't moved from his spot. "Wanna tell us what you know?" The detective took a seat next to her captain.

Amanda sighed and closed her eyes. Licking her suddenly dry lips she spoke. "I'm undercover." Her eyes met Liv's, hoing to see some kind of reaction there but the brunette hadn't moved one single facial muscle. Stone face.

"For who?" Craigen demanded, his voice raised.

Amanda scooted forward, leaning her elbows on the table trying to grasp their attention. "Look, I've been tracking this ring for over two years. I know what..."

"For who?" The captain's voice let her know that he was being serious.

Blue eyes flickered between Don and Olivia. Deciding whether to tell them or not. She didn't want to risk losing everything she had worked so hard for. Over two years of hard work down the drain. Would she risk it? She had to. There was no way she could get out of this situation.

Olivia watched as tears filled the woman's eyes and her whole body slumped deep into the chair. "They have my little sister."

Don looked over at Olivia, his eyebrows raised. Liv released a breath she didn't realize she was holding. "Okay." she sighed calmly, running a hand through her hair. "Um, where is your sister now?"

"I don't know." Amanda said in a sharp tone, anger showing. "It has taken me this long to get so close to getting her back and then you guys came busting in ruining my operation. I'll never find her now." Tears rolled down pale cheeks but she refused to cry openly. Qickly she brushed them away with the back of her hand. "I'm not a criminal." She couldn't afford to break down. She had to stay strong for her own sanity and for her sister. This was not the time or place for a mental breakdown.

Craigen spoke up. "What's her name? Did you report this?"

Amanda nodded. "Her name is Kimberly Rollins. Kim for short. I reported a missing person's file but nothing happened. Nothing was being done." Again she wiped at her tears.

"Was she taken here in New York?" Olivia wanted to know.

"Yes, over two years ago. I couldn't believe nothing was being done so I... I decided to track her down myself." Again, she closed her eyes trying to stop the tears coming through.

Don turned to Olivia. "I'm gonna make a few phone calls." He stood up and left the room.

Olivia knew he was going to see if her story added up by checking her report. The two women were left alone and Olivia could sense the hope just pouring out of the blonde in front of her. She looked devastated and lost. The detective sighed. "If this is true, everything you've told us, we will find her."

Tired eyes never looked up from their downwards position. "You can't promise me that."

Sighing again Olivia wanted to reach out and place a hand over the smaller woman's but she held back. She always found a need to show physical attention towards victims but she wasn't comfortable enough in this situation to do that just yet. This could all be noting but a lie. "I can promise that we will do everything we can to find her."

Amanda looked into brown eyes but nothing was said.

A few minute passed before the captain returned. "I just confirmed your story. A report was made by you, Ms Rollins but I don't know why appropriate action didn't take place. I'm surprised and somewhat disappointed that this never reached my squad's attention. It should have and I apologize for that." He made a brief pause. "What do you know about this ring? Who runs it and how many girls are there?"

Amanda swallowed, feeling a lump forming in her throat. "Even though I've been tracking them for over two years now I don't know a lot. It took me just over a year to gain their trust. I'm just about to get a hang of things. Who is who and which girls belong to which pimp and so forth. She was suppose to be there tonight. Kim was suppose to be there. I was gonna buy her back." Amanda sniffles.

Olivia looked confused. "How do you know she was gonna be there tonight?"

"One of the girls gave me her number. She is one of Kim's friends, saying that she would be there but none of them showed up. I don't know what happened."

Olivia asked if it was one of the girls they had already interrogated but Amanda shook her head. "No. All I know is that she goes by the name Katia. There are constantly new girls coming and going. I don't know how many there are but Katia and Kim are the two girls who have been around the longest. You have to help me find her." Her desperation was obvious.

Craigen walked up to Amanda. "Do you still have that number?"

Amanda thought twice before she answered. "Yeah, but it's my only connection to Kim. If I give it to you and you screw it up everything is lost. I can't risk that. I won't."

Don sighed. "Look, I know you're scared but this is the only lead we've got. We've got the right people, equipment and facilities for these kind of things. Its our job and we are darn good at it. This number could make this situation a whole lot easier."

Looking at Olivia, Amanda thought she saw honesty and empathy written on her face. She knew they were right but giving them the number could mean losing Kim forever.


	3. Chapter 3 Guilt

Chapter 3

Guilt

Giving them Katia's phone number was one of the hardest things she had ever done. It was out of her hands now. She couldn't believe it had all come to this. One moment she was so close to getting her sister back, and the next it was all gone. She felt like she was back at square one again. Back to base. Amanda was pacing, alone in the squad room. She had no idea how long she had been there. Her perception of time seemed to be momentarily gone. Was it day or night time? She couldn't tell.

Olivia suddenly entered, sensing the woman's nerves she tried to ease her discomfort by offering her a cup of coffee and a pastry. "You need to eat. Its all we have for now, we'll sort something decent out later."

Amanda was grateful and took a sip of the hot liquid. "Thank you. This is fine."

The detective could tell by the look on Amanda's face that she was desperate to find out about the call to Katia. Before she could ask Olivia told them both to sit down. Ones seated Olivia gave her a slight smile. "We tried to call the number you gave us but there was no answer and then we were suddenly disconnected. It's a prepaid cellphone so we can't track down the owner. Craigen is still trying and will let us know as soon as there is a breakthrough. The whole squad is woking on this case and we'll do everything we can, okay."

Swallowing another sip of her coffee she felt it soothe her aching throat. She closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath. "Oh god! I should never have given it to you. I'm gonna lose her."

Tears welled up again but just like the last time, the blonde was quick wiping them away. Olivia watched her struggle and she wished she could do more to help. She leaned over the table and placed a hand in Amanda's wrist. "Hey, you did the right thing. I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing in your situation. Desperation causes us to act out of character and cloud our judgment. I don't blame you." A single tear traced pale skin, but this time Amanda just let it be.

Olivia withdrew her hand. "Why don't we move somewhere more comfortable? I don't know about you but my butt is starting to get numb from these chairs."

The smaller woman managed to smile as they made their way to a more comfortable seated area. The soft couch was a hundred times better and warmer too. Amanda wrapped her arm around herself trying to keep warm as she visibly shivers. Olivia saw the slight tremble from the corner of her eye as she gestured for the blonde to sit down. She placed a hand on a stiff shoulder. "Have a seat. I'll be right back."

The brunette quickly made her way to her locker and pulled out a thick NYPD sweatshirt. Holding the sweater open for the woman she watched as Amanda hesitantly put her arms through the sleeves before pulling up the zipper all the way to her chin. She felt the warmth penetrate her skin immediately and let out a sigh. "Thank you." Olivia just smiled and positioned herself next to the woman and opened up her tablet that was lying in front of them on the table.

"I have a few pictures I'd like you to look at. Just tell me their names and everything else that you know about them if you recognize their faces, okay?"

Amanda gave her a shaky nod. She fished out an elastic from the pocket of her jeans and pulled her hair up in a loose ponytail, letting a few blonde strands fall down to frame her exhausted looking face. Olivia showed her the first photo from the picture gallery. These were the pictures they had previously taken during the steakout.

"It's a bit blurry but that looks like Cash, One of the pimps. I don't know anybody's real name but that's the name he goes by. He's quite well known in the business but he is very discreet. He makes a lot of money of his girls. Hence his nickname." She drained the last of her coffee.

Olivia was writing all this down on a piece of paper. "Good. Now this one?" She continued on by flicking her finger over the screen.

There were two men, both black. "That's Big Al," she pointed at the dark skinned man to the left on the photo then moving on to the right, "and that's T-Bone. They're quite new to the business but already doing well. They work together, splitting their profits. They have new girls coming and going all the time, more so than any other pimp I've come across."

"You're doing great, Amanda. Just a couple more." Olivia informed.

The next picture was dark but in the top left corner a woman was visible. "That's Tasha, my assistant. She runs the house when I'm not there. She just started working for me about six months ago. I don't know where she was before that. I didn't ask. Questions causes suspicion."

Liv scribbled all of this down in her notebook and flicked to the last photograph. "That's the six girls you just interrogated. Gia, Niki, Ebony, Latisha and Tami," she pointed to the last one, "and that's my assistant Tasha."

Olivia put the tablet away, placed a hand on Amanda's knee and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "You did a great job. Craigen will have us all working around the clock to find your sister. The system let you down in the past and I'm so sorry for that, it shouldn't have happened. But we are gonna do everything we can to get her back to you, that I promise."

All Amanda could do was nod. She didn't trust her voice to work, feeling another lump form in her throat and tried to swallow the pain that came with it away. Olivia studied her from the corner of her eye. The blonde looked physically and mentally exhaustes. She wondered how this young woman managed to come this far and constantly stay in her role and not blow her cover. To Olivia the small blonde was powerful and admirable. She felt a strange feeling of pride wash over her when she thought about what this woman must have gone through to get where she is now. To get to this point, being so close yet so far away from reaching her destination.

"Why don't you go home and get some sleep. You need to look after yourself. I'll call you as soon as we have something." Concern were evident in her brown eyes.

Amanda rubbed her hands over her face. "I can't. I've had about two hours of sleep every night for the past two years. When we find her I will sleep." She was determined and Olivia knew better than to try and talk her into something that she refused to do.

Olivia shook her head. "I don't know how you're still standing."

After hearing Olivia say that, Amanda looked down at her hands in shame. It was her fault that her sister was taken in the first place. She was suppose to pick her up from school that day but she was running late. By the time she got there she was already gone. The guilt was eating her alive from the inside out. She felt guilty if she slept, or ate or even attempting to smile. She didn't deserve any of those things until this was all sorted out and she got Kim back to safety. Taking a deep breath Amanda looked at Olivia, facing her with so many emotions written on her face it tore at Liv's heart. "I have to."

Liv frowned and cocked her head to the side a bit. "Well, you don't have to do this alone anymore." Pointing towards a door to their far right, Liv said, "If you wanna get some shut eye the cribs are through that door. I'll put a couple of towels in there for you and you can take a shower or just relax for a bit." She glanced down at her watch. "Its 05.27 am, just try to get at least an hour." She stood up and left before Amanda could say anything.

A few minutes later she arrived with two towels, an extra blanket, a pair of her own sweatpants from her locker and a cup of peppermint tea. She showed the blonde were the showers and the bathroom were before she turned to the younger woman.

"I got you two towels, one extra for your hair, being a woman requires it." They both chuckled a bit. "There's an extra blanket cause it gets really cold here in the winter, there's a pair of sweatpants to make you more comfortable and the most important of all," she handed Amanda the steaming cup. "It's peppermint tea. It works wonders on you stomach. I lived of it when I first started working at SVU. It really soothes and calms your tummy."

The exhausted blonde accepted the cup and took a sip. "Mmm, it's quite nice." she took another gulp before setting it down on a nearby table. Turning to look at Olivia she suddenly struggled to find the right words for what she wanted to say. She started to fidget until she finally gave up and sighed, looking straight into the detective's eyes.

"Thank you. I... I... I really appreciate everything that all you guys have done so far and..." she gestured towards olivia, "thank you, for being so kind to me, considering I'm just a stranger. It... It means a lot so... Thank you."

The older, taller woman smiled and she could sense the sincerity in the raspy tired voice. Olivia placed a warm hand on Amanda's arm. "Your welcome. I'll be back in a little while to see how you're doing, okay. Just make yourself... Comfortable. I'll be right back."

Amanda was left staring at the door the detective just shut behind her. It felt good in a way, that this was all out in the open and not a big secret anymore. After two years of hiding in a role as a Madame, fighting for her sister's return, she suddenly felt completely drained but relieved. She was also scared and weary how things were gonna turn out when she didn't have control over the case any longer. In some ways it felt like she had given her sister's life into the hands of strangers. Again she rubbed her cold hands over her face, trying to reason with herself that this was probably for the best. She had help now and people who knew how to handle big operations like this.

Grabbing the towels, she headed for the shower hoping the water would warm her bones.


	4. Chapter 4 so close

Chapter 4

So Close

The warm water did wonders to her body and Amanda finally felt clean. It felt like she was washing two years of filth away. Two years of interacting with pimps, prostitutes and greedy, sick and perverted customers. Turning the shower off, she squeezed the excess water out of her blonde hair, stepped out and wrapped the big towel around her dripping body. Grabbing the spare towel she started the process of drying her soaking tresses.

Walking out of the tiny bathroom, heading for the bed where her clothes were laying she stopped dead in her tracks. Olivia just walked in and Amanda got such a fright she almost dropped her towel. The detective covered her eyes and turned around.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to just barge in. I did knock but clearly you didn't hear me. I'm so sorry."

Amanda could feel her face go red and she desperately clutched the towel closer to her body, wishing this wasn't happening. "Um, it's... eh, it's okay." She quickly strode over to the bed and sat down, feeling more comfortable that way. "You can turn around." Liv slowly turned, her own discomfort obvious. "I just wanted to let you know that we are still trying to reach Katia and that we are all working on finding Kim safe and sound. The pimps are still being questioned."

She gazed at the blonde, seeing her skinny body made Olivia feel a bit overly protective towards her. Being just over a decade older than Amanda she felt as if she had an obligation to make sure the younger woman was taking care of herself. Especially at a time like this. She saw goosebumps on the bony arms and decided to leave the blonde alone so she could get dressed in privacy.

"Get some sleep. I'll wake you up if there's anything new. Do you need anything? An extra blanket maybe?"

Amanda licked dry lips. "No, thank you. I eh...I've got all I need." She nervously started to fidget with the corner of her pillowcase before she collected enough strength to look Liv in the eye. "Thank you."

Olivia could tell she really ment it and she could also sense a relief coming from the woman sitting on the bed. She was glad that Amanda finally got some help, even though it was not under the best circumstances, and that it was not all on her shoulders anymore. The detective just smiled and left the room.

"Anything new, guys?" The one six precinct was buzzing with activity even at such an early hour. Munch was just pouring himself another cup of coffee as Olivia came in.

"We managed to identify two of the six girls. They were both taken approximately three years ago, one in Texas, the other one in Utah. Parents filed a missing person's report and we're working on getting in touch with them now. Still trying to get the other girls to talk. Elliot is still grilling the pimps one by one." He leaned up against his desk and struggled a yawn. "I think we're gonna have to come up with a different approach. Maybe torture."

Olivia knew he wasn't being serious and chuckled. "Yeah, that would work very well with the captain."

"What would work well with me?" Don appeared around a corner.

Munch quickly turned around, went back to his desk and burried his nose into a pile of papers. Olivia smiled and poured herself a cup before answering. "Munch was just talking about a new approach he'd like to try out with the pimps. I told him to talk to you about it." Looking over at John she grinned, sipped her hot beverage and headed towards the interrogation rooms, leaving Munch to fall into the hole he just dug for himself.

Elliot was struggling with the perp and Olivia could tell he was struggling with his temper too. After so many years of being partners she could always tell what he was thinking and what his next move was going to be before Elliot even knew it himself. Right now Liv knew he needed a minute to calm down. Knocking on the window twice she waited until he walked out, stern face and tightly clenched fists making his knuckles appear white.

"El, take a breather. He knows you're frustrated and he's enjoying it. Don't let him get to you."

The male detective bit his lower lip, trying to keep a string of obscenities from coming out. "He's giving me nothing, Liv."

The brunette squeezed his strong shoulder. "Take a break. Let him sit there and stew. Go back in after awhile and grill him again, if that's not working we'll think of something else. Maybe Munch's approach wasn't so bad after all." She watched Elliot frown in confusion. "Torture."

Snorting, he stretched his back by raising his arms above his head and twisted. Loud pops could be heard. "Yeah, I've got a couple of ideas I'd like to try out." Stifling a yawn he asked, "How's the blonde doing?"

Olivia sighed. "She's resting in the crib. She had a shower, I gave her some sweats and peppermint tea." Elliot scrunched up his face. "If I ever have to torture you, I'd make you drink it. Lots of it."

"Well, thank god it will never come to that."

Four hours later a tired and confused Amanda quickly made her way to Olivia's desk. "Why didn't you wake me? Why didn't anybody wake me up?" Tears were evident in her blue eyes and Olivia could see she was really anxious and stressed.

Liv stood up, took Amanda gently by the arm and brought her to a more private area. The blonde hair was now dry and the sweats she had been handed were too big, making her look even thinner than before. Olivia could feel the blonde shivering under her touch.

"We're still working on getting the pimps to talk. We're not having much luck but they are still being questioned as we speak. I didn't wake you because you need to get some rest. You can't keep do..."

"What are you, my fucking mother?" Amanda snapped. "I decide myself how much I sleep, when I sleep and where I sleep. Kim is still out there. I was so fucking close getting her back and now I'm back to square one. I should never had... I... I shouldn't have..."

"Have what, Amanda? Gotten us involved, giving us vital information, talking to us in the first place? What?"

Amanda realized Olivia still had her hand on her arm and she roughly pulled it free. "I was so close. So close. If you all hadn't burst through the door all high and mighty with your guns and badges Kim would be with me. She would be safe with me. I'll never see her again." Tears were steadily streaming down her face and Olivia took a step closer trying to calm the woman by again placing a hand on her arm.

Amanda saw her move and quickly pulled away. "Don't."

Liv held her hands up in a resigned manner. "Okay, I won't touch you but I need you to calm down and listen to me. Can you do that?" Taking a couple of deep breaths Amanda bobbed her head, clearly still upset and angry.

"Let's say we never burst through that door, lets say Kim arrived, what was the next step in your plan? Did you even think that far? What was your escape plan, did you have one? What would you have done?" She could tell from the look on Amanda's face that she hadn't thought that far ahead and that she was struggling with her emotions that were coming on in full force. Olivia pushed Amanda's wish, of not wanting to be touched aside and put a hand on her lower back. "Come on, let's go talk in the captain's office. I actually need your help on something." Liv gently lead the slight shaking woman into Don 's office and sat down next to Amanda on the leather couch. "I need to know if you were ever working in another house previous to your recent one. Or did you ever visit another house somewhere or talked to other Madames? Anything at all that might be useful in our investigation?"

Amanda was still boiling mad but she knew that Olivia was right. She didn't have a plan figured out once she got Kim back. She honestly hadn't thought that far ahead and she was slightly embarrassed about it. "I'm so stupid." She mumbled.

Olivia sighed. "Don't do that to yourself. You did what you thought was right. You did what you had to do to protect your family." There was a slight pause before she spoke again. "Is there someone you'd like me to call? Parents, a friend or any other family?"

The blonde shook her head. "No, there's nobody. Its just us. Just me and Kim and look what I did to her. How could I let this happen? She's my little sister, I'm suppose to look after her." Her blue eyes were brimming with tears again. Angrily, she brushed them away, leaving tear marks on her flushed cheeks.

Liv felt sorry for the woman and started to rub her lower back in soothing circles. "Stop that. You'll make yourself crazy with the 'what ifs'. You did nothing wrong, Amanda. Do you hear me? You did nothing wrong." Olivia's gentle voice just brought out more tears and the floodgates opened. A little unsure of what to do the older woman wrapped an arm around quivering shoulders and pulled her close.

"Its gonna be okay, Amanda. Its all gonna be okay." Unconsciously Liv started to rock them both from side to side while still speaking words of comfort and kindness. "We're doing everything we can and thanks to you we have a lot to go on. You did the hardest part and you did great. Now it's up to us to take over what you started. Everything you've done so far is beyond me. You've been so strong and brave through this whole time. I don't think I would've been as strong as you. You should allow yourself to feel a little proud."

Amanda's sobs turned into sniffles and eventually pulled herself free from the comforting embrace. She hadn't felt so soothed and comforted in a long time and a part of her wanted to stay in the secure arms of the detective. She felt her cheeks heating up from embarrassment of thinking that way and for, only a couple of minutes, allowed herself to be held by this kind stranger.

She took a few minutes to collect herself and to make sure her voice wasn't going to break. "There was another house."


	5. Chapter 5 New lead

Chapter 5

New Lead

"Captain, I think we might have a new lead." Olivia ran to catch up with Craigen before he entered the elevator. As the doors closed right in front of his nose he let out a groan, repeatedly pressing the button.

"Make it quick, detective. I'm on my way to a conference." He turned and Olivia had his full attention.

"Amanda told me that she remember another house that she was in. It was only for a brief moment but she think she knows roughly where the house might be located. Its definitely worth checking it out."

The cap nodded. "Okay. Take Ms Rollins with you and Elliot. Get her to locate the house. If she is certain that it's the right one you have to drive her home or back here. She can't be present during your investigation." The elevator came back up but before Craigen stepped through the opened doors he said, "Get solid proof and be careful. Do not do anything drastic on your own."

Liv nodded. "Of course captain." The doors closed.

Amanda was certain that the house they were looking for was located very near the one she was arrested in. She had a vague memory of the outside of the house and hopefully something would come up to jog her memory. After about twenty minutes of circulating the same couple of blocks something caught Amanda's eye. "Stop!"

Elliot slammed the breaks and the car came to a stop. Amanda pointed towards a run down red brick house that was slightly hidden behind a bigger building that looked deserted. "That's the one, I'm sure of it." Without thinking twice the blonde opened the door, got out and started walking towards the house.

Olivia and Elliot quickly got out of the car. Elliot ran straight up to her and grabbed her arm trying to stop her. "Not so fast."

Olivia gestured for Elliot to let go of her and replaced his hand with her own. "Amanda, are you absolutely sure that this is the house?"

"I'm positive. I know I was only in the house once for a short period of time but I am sure that that," again she pointed towards the building, "is the house."

The detectives started to lead the blonde back to the car. "Okay." Olivia said. "You did great, Amanda but you can't be a part of what's comin next. We're taking you home to your place so you can get some proper rest. Me and Elliot will have the house under surveillance during the night and we won't let it out of our sight. If this is the house we'll find something."

Amanda wanted to protest but knew that Olivia was right. She nodded and reluctantly got into the back seat. After dropping the blonde off Olivia made her promise to eat something and get some more sleep. Amanda was too anxious and restless to sleep. Knowing that Kim could, for some reason, be in that house and she was also afraid of what Olivia and Elliot might find inside.

She shook her head, trying to shake the horrible images, she was building in her head, away. Opening all the cupboards, the fridge and the freezer she realized she was out of anything that would even come close to edible. Groaning she opened the top drawer and pulled out a Chinese menu and rang in her order. While waiting for the food she decided to change into more comfortable clothes. Not that the sweats that Olivia had given her weren't comfortable but she had to wash them before giving them back. Taking them off she got a whiff of the older detectives perfume and she found herself enjoying it as she brought the sweater up to her nose. Closing her eyes she inhaled the scent and was surprised when she felt her whole body starting to relax and a feeling of calm came over her.

Deciding that the washing could wait until later on she got into her own pair a slacks and a t-shirt. Chills went up her arms and she felt a bit cold. Looking at the NYPD hoodie laying on the bed she put it back on to keep warm. That's what she tried to tell herself, not wanting to admit that all she wanted was to be able to smell detective Benson's sweet scent.

The doorbell rang. Looking at the clock on the wall the blonde was surprised how quickly the food had arrived. She grabbed her wallet on the way to the front door and pulled out a twenty. As soon as she pulled the security chain off and unlocked the door the heavy weight from it smashed into her face. Searing pain shot through her whole face and she immediately felt blood trickling down her throat and neck.

She brought her hand up to assess the damage but was stopped when a dark figure stepped in front of her. A quick glance at the intruder's face, an earth shattering loud bang and then everything went black.

"We'll have better luck getting something in the dark El." Olivia hadn't let the house out of her sight since they got back after dropping Amanda off. Elliot was getting frustrated with the cold and looked at his watch.

"Its been almost two hours. I'm freezing my balls off."

Olivia chuckled. "Didn't realize you had any to 'freeze off'." Their amusing banter was a daily thing they both enjoyed and never took personally. Working on hard and stressful cases almost made it a necessity to joke around and make fun of each other.

"Well, you know what they say, 'less is more'."

Liv was just about to say something smart back but was interrupted by her phone ringing. Her screen said 'Cap'. "Captain, anything new on the case?" She was secretly hoping they had a new lead or new evidence so they didn't have to sit in the black Sudan and freeze.

Elliot watched Olivia's face drop and turn pale. "Okay, I'm on my way, Cap." She hung up and turned towards her partner who as waiting for an explanation of what had just happened.

"Amanda has been shot. She's in the ICU at mercy. Cap wants me to head over there and he wants you to take Munch with you and come back here. Go."

Elliot quickly got his speed up and looked at Liv. "They must have seen her from the house earlier on, probably though she was a cop undercover or that she snitched." The brunette just nodded, still in shock, hoping the blonde was still alive and would make a full recovery. "She's in trouble, Liv. She's not safe."

The rest of the ride to the hospital was quiet with same thoughts running through their heads. What would happen now? What if Amanda is dead? What if they can't protect her? What if they figured out that Kim was Amanda's sister and will punish Kim for her sister's mistakes? The thoughts were endless. Finally El pulled up by the accident emergency bay shouting to an already running Liv to give him a call as soon as she knew what was happening.

The detective flashed her badge at the receptionist. "I'm detective Benson from SVU. There was a patient brought in a couple of hours ago with GSW. Her name is Amanda Rollins. How is she?"

The red headed woman eyed her from behind the desk. "Are you family? I can only talk to family members."

"She's got no family." Already frustrated with this woman Olivia slammed her palm down right in front of the stranger to get her full attention. "Look, she's the only key witness in one of our sex trafficking cases. If you don't work with me I'm gonna have to arrest you for obstruction."

That seemed to have given the woman a freight. "Wait here, I'll see if I can find her doctor or surgeon."

Pacing up and down the corridor running her hands through her hair she could feel her heart beat strongly against her chest. "Please, let her be okay. After everything she's been through, just let her be okay." Olivia mumbled. Spotting an empty chair a bit further down the corridor she took a seat, placing her head in her hands and let out a sigh. After a couple of minutes she found herself trying to shake away the image of Amanda's face but to no good. Liv couldn't stop thinking about the beautiful pale complection belonging to the blonde, her blue eyes and the blonde hair that looked so soft. A strange feeling shot through her. A feeling she couldn't identify because she'd never felt it before, it was an all new emotional feeling that she couldn't put a word to. It scared her a bit to feel so out of control of her emotions. She was usually one of those people who was very in touch with herself, her feelings, her emotions and her thoughts. Not being able to name a feeling or emotion was not like the stoic detective.

"Detective Benson?" Her head snapped up and a male surgeon was standing before her, fully dressed in blue scrubs. He reached his hand out and Olivia firmly grasped it. "I'm Dr Wyatt. Before I say anything else and for you not to worry, Amanda is stable and pulled through the surgery just fine. She was shot once in the chest and once in her left shoulder." He made a pause so the detective could keep up and absorb what he had just told her.

"The shoulder wound was a through and through, no major arteries, muscles or tissues were damaged. We managed to extract the bullet from her chest cavity and stop the bleeding." Sighing, he continued. "However, the bullet left some bone fragments and we were not able to take them out because of her blood loss. She lost a lot of blood and a longer surgery would have decreased her chances of survival significantly. She is stable for now and we are hoping to perform a second surgery in a couple of days when she is stronger."

Liv closed her eyes, took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Is she awake? Can I see her?"

"She's in room 411 down the hall. She's still under anaesthetic but should come out of it soon. She will be in pain when she wakes up. Just press the button and a nurse will administer some pain relief."

The brunette once again shook his hand and thanked him. Before heading into the room she decided to give Elliot an update on Amanda's condition. John and El were on their way back to the house and promised to inform Olivia if anything new came to light. After hanging up she braced herself by inhaling deeply, preparing for what's to come, and opened the door.

The first thing she noticed was that Amanda's face almost matched the white bed sheets she was surrounded in. She was so pale she very much resembled a delicate china doll. Her thin frame was hooked up to various machines, wires and tubes and from the heart monitor a steady repeated beeping filled the otherwise so quiet room. A chair was placed next to the big hospital bed and Olivia slowly sat down not taking her eyes of the sleeping woman.


	6. Chapter 6 Just Lucky

Chapter 6

Just Lucky.

"Amanda?... Amanda, can you hear me? Open your eyes." A slight flickering, a small tremor of closed eyelids indicated an awareness of somebody talking very close to her right. She thought she recognized the deep soothing voice, that was calling her name, but pushed the thought aside thinking it must have been a dream.

Even though she hadn't moved yet she could feel the stiffness taking a hold of her body and the pounding in her head could only be described and compared to as a construction site. Groaning, she turned her head towards where the voice had come from. "Amanda?" There it was again, clearer this time and louder. Realizing that it wasn't a dream but in fact very much real blue eyes fluttered open.

Her vision was blurry. What the hell had happened? Tired eyelids closed and opened several times to try and clear the fuzziness in front of her. A dark figure was hovering over her right side. She felt a warm hand on her shoulder, brown hair lightly brushing against her face and a sweet scent filled her nostrils.

"Dete... Detective, Benson?" Her throat ached from the dryness that had formed while she was sleeping. Her tongue felt like sandpaper in the Sahara desert. Swallowing whatever bit of saliva there was she tried to shift into a more comfortable position. A sharp pain in her left shoulder and her chest shot through her body like a bolt of lightning. Throwing her head back into the pillow she gritted her teeth and tried not to cry out.

Something gently brushed her forehead and cheek. It only lasted a couple of seconds but it was enough comfort for Amanda to take away even a slightest bit of pain. Tears were seeping through closed eyes, trickling down pale skin and was shortly absorbed by the pillow, creating wet stains that were slowly increasing in size.

"Amanda, you're okay. You're in the hospital. You were shot twice but you're okay. You're gonna be okay." Olivia was softly reassuring the distraught blonde, trying to make her feel safe and calm. "I know you're in pain, honey but do you think you can tell me what happened? Did you see who did this to you?"

Amanda continued to swallow and was grateful when a straw was placed against her dry lips and cool liquid ran down her throat. "Easy, small sips." Olivia put the plastic cup back on the nightstand and pulled the chair closer to the bed. "Amanda, can you tell me who did this to you?"

Hands gripped the bed sheets, turning her knuckles white. The pain in her chest was almost unbearable and inhaling deeply was out of the question. The brunette's concerned eyes watched the pale features carefully. "Come on, honey, give me something. Do you know who did this to you?"

It was too difficult to speak but with plenty of determination Amanda was sure she could let out a few words. "I... I saw his... face. I've seen him... before." Again, she licked dry lips. "Don't know his name." Ever so slightly she turned her head towards Olivia so she could look at the detective's face. She saw concern, empathy and strength in her brown eyes. "Why?" She uttered.

The detective took in the sight of the injured woman and saw how helpless she looked in that very moment. She gracefully grabbed a hold of Amanda's icy hand and covered it with both of her larger ones, hoping she didn't cross any boundaries by doing so. "We think that someone must have seen and recognized you earlier today outside the house you took us to. Someone must have thought you were a cop undercover or that you ratted them out and put out a hit on you."

She watched blue eyes close and a single leftover tear escaped from its corner. "What about Kim?" Amanda managed to ask. "Did you... did you and Elliot find anything new about Kim?"

Olivia wanted to reach out and capture the lone salty drop with her thumb but restricted herself. Instead she unconsciously squeezed Amanda's hand a bit tighter. "Elliot and detective Munch are still watching the house, they will let me know as soon as something comes up." She made a brief pause. "Amanda, Its not just bout Kim anymore. They know who you are, they know where you live and they probably know that you are still alive and in this hospital. You are not safe." Olivia watched as the injured woman tried to understand everything that had happened in the last few hours, but there was no signs on Amanda's face that indicated concern for her own safety.

"Kim is still out there. You shouldn't be here detective. You should be looking for my sister, that's your job." Her voice was stern and full of physical pain but it was gonna take more than an angry looking Amanda to scare Olivia off. "Everyone at the precinct are working on finding Kim, including myself, but you are too involved, Amanda. Your safety is just as important as finding Kim."

Blue eyes glared at her. "What are you saying, detective?"

Olivia sighed and ran her free hand through her shoulder length hair. "I'm just saying that we need to be very careful about how we proceed in this case. You almost got killed, Amanda. I know that our priorities are your sister right now, and so it should but honey, you have to take care of yourself too. You'll be no good to Kim if you don't start looking after your own health and safety."

Olivia suddenly reached out and tucked some of Amanda's hair behind her ear delicately, immediately regretting her action but it was already too late. The pale blonde met her eyes. No words were spoken for about a minute before Amanda tore her gaze away from the stunning detective. "I'm tired."

Liv gave her a slight smile. "Okay, you get some rest. I'm gonna get you a protective detail just outside your door." She could see That Amanda was about to argue against it but was stopped when Liv put her hand up. "I don't want you to argue with me on this. I'm gonna make a phone call and an officer should be here within the hour. Get some rest. I'm not leaving until someone gets here. Its final."

Amanda watched as the detective disappeared out of view but she knew she would stay close by until someone came to relieve her. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream and shout out in anger and frustration but in her physical condition it was impossible to even let out a sob. She watched between half closed eyes as a nurse came in, gave her some pain relief, scribbled something down on her chart and left the room. Sleep claimed her but before she drifted off her last thought was that she felt so alone and helpless.

Back at the precinct, Craigen informed Olivia that they were able to identify all the girls that were brought in. Benson was happy with the good news but it still didn't get them any closer to Kim.

"Olivia, can I see you in my office?" Craigen placed a hand on her lower back and guided her in to be seated.

"What's going on, Cap?" She asked with concern. "Is there news on Kim?" The serious look on her captain's face made her uneasy and she was preparing for the worst. Don sat himself down, put his hands together and sighed.

"As you know this is not just about finding Kim anymore. We now have ms Rollins safety to think about and her wellbeing. Elliot and Munch are still monitoring the house but I doubt they will get anything before dark. Daylight is not exactly suitable for the kind of business they are running." He took a breath and continued. "What I want and need for you to do is to make sure Rollins is safe around the clock, 24/7." Olivia opened her mouth to protest but Craigen was quicker.

"I know it's probably not you favourite thing to do but it's important that she's safe and stays that way. Also, she would probably feel more comfortable with a woman around anyway."

"You want me to be her babysitter?" Olivia was trying to understand what her captain really wanted from her.

"Not babysit. More like... a personal bodyguard slash chaperone."

The brunette raised her eyebrows and inhaled deeply. "Captain, with all due respect, I work on sex crimes not professional security. I don't think I'm... adequate for this position, I'm..."

"Its only temporary. You'll still be working on the case just from a distance. I wouldn't ask you to do this if I didn't think it was important. We both know that whoever shot Amanda wasn't just planning on injuring her or to give her a scare. They were shots ment to kill. She just got lucky. I don't want a repeat of today and I don't think you do either."

Liv just nodded, trying to take it all in. "Yes, captain." She got up to leave but stopped herself. "What about when she's released from the hospital? Where is she gonna stay? They obviously know where she lives."

Don held his hand up. "One step at a time, Liv. Let me worry about that when the time comes. For now, go back to the hospital. You and the officer outside her door can work out which shift to take between you."

The detective bobbed her head once more and stood up. "Sure, Cap."

Liv approached the officer. "Is she still sleeping?"

The female cop nodded. "Yeah, she's been out since you left. She's talking a lot in her sleep, though. Can't really make anything out of what she's saying. Just a lot of nonsense. Sounded like she was in pain but I checked on her and she was still sound asleep."

Oivia glanced at the sleeping blonde and was a bit sad to see the pained and worried expression playing on the pale features. She placed a hand on the officer's shoulder. "Thanks. Why don't you take a break, come back in a few hours. I'll do the day shifts if that suits you?"

"Sure." She reached out her hand. "I'm Donna Walkers by the way."

Olivia shook it. "Olivia Benson SVU."


	7. Chapter 7 Breaking Point

Chapter 7

Breaking Point

Blue eyes snapped open. The immediate pain she felt reminded her of what had happened earlier. She scrunched up her face trying to breathe through the waves of agonizing torture. It was real. Everything that had happened had indeed happened. This was not a dream, or a nightmare more like. This was as real as it gets. The pain told her so. Physically and emotionally.

Panic set in. How long had she slept? What day was it? Any news on Kim? Kim!? She struggled with the wires and tubes, almost ripping them off. She needed to get out. She had to find her sister. She had to be there in case they find her.

"Whoa, easy. You'll hurt yourself even further if you keep that up, honey." The southern drawl could not be mistaken for any other state but Texas. Being born and raised in Atlanta Georgia herself, she could tell the difference in accents. Looking over to where the voice had come from, she spotted the uniform just outside her door.

"What time is it? How long was I out?" Amanda glanced over at the window, seeing it was dark outside. Night-time. The officer took a few steps closer to the hospital bed.

"Well, to answer your first question, it's just after three in the morning and as for how long you were asleep..." she checked her watch. "about ten hours."

Ten hours! Amanda panicked. As her heartbeat got faster by the second she tried to sit up. She had to get out but the pain in her chest and shoulder was begging her to lay back down. She tried to push the pain away, thinking it would stop throbbing if she only got to a sitting position. Before she got that far, Donna had already approached her bedside and firmly but gently tried to hold her in place.

"Listen hon, you ain't gonna get better if you move around so god damn much. You ain't going anywhere. You've been shot twice for crying out loud. Stop being difficult and stay put. You're not tearing any stitches on my watch."

Amanda struggled to push the officer out of the way but the pain got too much. An agonizing scream filled the room and blood started to soak the white hospital gown. The stitches in her shoulder had ripped and she watched as the red patch got bigger and bigger. "Oh, you silly girl." Donna quickly pressed the call button and a nurse appeared after only a few seconds, rushing to her side after seeing the blood.

"I tried to stop her but she was having none of it." The officer was still trying to hold Amanda down as the nurse injected a sedative into her IV line. About a minute later the blonde had calmed down considerably and Donna felt comfortable enough to let go.

The nurse called for a doctor to have her restitched. She then injected a local anaesthetic into the wounded shoulder. Amanda was furious. All she wanted was to get out of this hell whole and to be out there doing something proactive to find her sister. Insted she was bedridden in an uncomfortable hospital bed with two gunshot wounds, no privacy and totally dependent on others to do things for her. This was torture for the blonde. She could deal with the pain but being forced to rely on strangers was worse.

While the doctor took care of the stitches, Donna took the chance to call Olivia. She was reluctant to at first, not wanting to wake the detective up at this early hour but she figured that Olivia would want to know what had happened and what was going on. Besides, Amanda seemed more likely to listen to the dark haired detective than her.

After receiving the phone call from a, somewhat worried Donna, Olivia got dressed into a pair of dark jeans and a warm sweater. She always had a set of clothes laying next to the bed for situations and emergencies like these. She was use to getting calls at any hour of the night and after doing it for so many years she found it easier after some time to get her tired body out of bed and to wake up quickly.

As she drove to the hospital she had an unsettling feeling in her gut. She tried to shake it by shifting in her seat, turning the radio on and opening a window to get some cold air into her lungs. It wasn't until she pulled into the parking lot that she realized that it was worry and concern she felt towards the injured blonde. She scolded herself for feeling that way. She got out of the car and walked towards the entrance. She had to hold herself back as she found herself almost running to get to Amanda faster.

Donna was sitting outside the room. Deticated not to leave her post. As she spotted Olivia down the hall she stood up. "Detective, I'm sorry for the ungodly hour. She woke up, panicked and tried to get out of bed. I tried to hold her down but she pulled all the stitches in her shoulder. She had a sedative awhile ago and some pain relief but she's still awake but groggy. Its like she's fighting not to go to sleep. She won't listen to me I..."

"Its okay, officer. You did good. I'm glad you called me." Olivia took a step to the side so she could get a glimpse of the sleepy woman laying in bed. It almost broke her heart seeing her so vulnerable and defenseless. She turned her attention back to Donna, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Listen, why don't you head off home. I've got it from here. I'll see you at eight tonight." Olivia could see that the officer was about to protest. "Its okay, really. I don't mind. Go home and get some sleep."

Donna nodded and headed down the corridor. Olivia took a deep breath before entering the blonde's room. "Hey, I heard what happened. Are you okay?" The brunette pulled the chair up closer to Amanda's side and sat down. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Seeing Olivia's brown concerned stare and gentle voice caused Amanda's blue ones to tear up. She brushed at them, cursing herself for being such a baby about it. The more she tried to keep the tears at bay, the more tears came rolling down her cheeks leaving damp marks on pale skin. She didn't like feeling this way. It was totally out of character for her to be so vulnerable and weak. Maybe it was the pain relief, the sedative or just pure exhaustion making her feel the way she did or maybe all three of them combined. She didn't know and it scared her more than she thought was possible.

Olivia saw her struggle, scooted a bit closer and gently took one of her shaking hands in her warm ones. "Its okay to cry, Amanda." Her voice was so soothing and it was all it took for Amanda to break down in heart wrenching sobs. The years of feeling so lonely, not taking care of herself, physically and emotionally, constantly being on her watch and thinking about what Kim might be going through finally caught up with her.

Olivia was glad that Donna had followed her advice and gone home since she knew Amanda would only be more uncomfortable breaking down in front of more people. Olivia wanted nothing more than to hold the blonde in her arms and tell her everything would be okay and that she would make things better from now on, but this woman was still a stranger and she didn't want to make Amanda feeling awkward.

Watching the blonde trying to hide and restrict her cries made them even louder. It was almost primal, agonizing whailes coming from the crying woman. The brunette could see how much pain Amanda was in on so many levels. Tears sprung to her own eyes and she could no longer just watch her struggle. Stranger or not, this woman needed some kind of physical contact to try and bring her back from the hell she was now experiencing.

Pushing the chair even closer to the bed, so it was touching the metal rails, Olivia gently turned Amanda towards her so she was laying on her right side. Careful, to not cause the woman any more damage and pain she slipped her left arm underneath Amanda's neck and shoulders and brought the shaking form into her arms. Her left hand was resting on the back of the blonde's head for support and her right hand was rubbing soothing circles on the quivering back, moving comfortably from Amanda's arm to her hip before returning to her back once more.

"Shhhh, sweetheart. Its going to be okay." Olivia found it hard to speak. Emotions getting stuck in her throat and made words almost impossible to escape. She was surprised when she felt Amanda move closer to her, clawing at Olivia's coat, burrowing her face in the crook of her neck, desperate for some kind of human and physical contact. It broke the detective's heart to see this woman in so much pain. She didn't know what to do other than try to comfort her the best way she could but she knew that it wouldn't be enough. Nothing would be enough until Kim was back safe and sound by Amanda's side. All she could do was hold her, telling her that things were going to get better.

The desperate grip the blonde had on her was almost freightning but she didn't pull away, sensing that Amanda needed this and Olivia was glad to help in any way she could. "Its okay, honey. Its gonna be okay. Just let it all out, its okay sweetie. I'm right here and I'm not leaving. Shhhh."

After what seemed like forever the loud cries turned into sobs and the sobs turned into sniffles. It was not until Amanda loosened her hold on Olivia's jacket that the detective knew she had fallen asleep. She gently started to pull away not wanting to wake her up but was stopped when the loose embrace once again tightened around her back and a stiffled cry echoed through the dim lit room. "Okay, sweetie." She whispered into a nearby ear. "I'm not gonna let go of you. I'll be right here through the night and I'll be right here in the morning." The brunette once again started rubbing the sleeping woman's back hoping to bring her some comfort. "I'm right here." Without thinking about what she was about to do Olivia placed a loving kiss on Amanda's forehead and one on her cheek. "I'm right here."

Olivia inhaled the scent that she had already become so fond of. It was scary how fast this petite blonde had crawled into her head and how strong of a connection she felt towards her. She was use to comforting victims or even families and friends of victims. This was no different, right? Its all just apart of the job to make sure that things are being taken care of and to provide survivors with some kind of closure and peace. Why was this case, or this woman, any different?

The brunette once again tried to gently pull away. Amanda was finally sleeping but her face still held a pained complexion. Olivia lowered the blonde's upper body and head to the soft pillows, carefully not to break contact. Once Amanda was resting, Olivia grasped one of her cold hands and with the other she began brushing her fingers through the blonde locks. On rare occasions, when the detective's mother Serena wasn't passed out from alcohol, she use to comfort her in a similar fashion when Olivia was growing up and she had always found some kind of peace in the repetitive movement. She hoped Amanda felt the same even in her sleeping state.


	8. Chapter 8 close call

Chapter 8

Close Call

Amanda slowly came to. Her senses taking in the surrounding stimulants. The beeping from the heart monitor, the smell of disinfectants and the smell that Just belonged to a hospital, the taste of iron in her dry mouth and the one sense she wished she didn't have at the moment was the sense of feeling.

The pain in her whole upper body was so intense. Her head was pounding and she could feel every heartbeat in her ears and her chest felt so heavy it was difficult to breath. She tried to move but stopped when she felt a slight pressure on her right hand. Slowly, she turned her head to the side, wanting to see what was restricting her movement, groaning as she did so, the pain in her chest increasing.

The groan was loud enough to cause Olivia to stir from her sleep. She felt Amanda's slight movement of her hand and she opened her eyes. Her tall frame protesting from the uncomfortable position on the hard plastic chair. She stretched her back quickly before turning her attention back to the haltheeeping woman.

As her eyes scanned Amanda's body they finally came to rest on her face and she instantly knew something was wrong. Fair eyebrows were pulled into a deep frown and laboured breathing told her that Amanda was really struggling to get some air into her lungs. Letting go of the woman's hand she brought hers up to stroke blonde hair away from a painfilled face. She was alarmed when she felt the heat radiating from flushed skin and immediately stood up.

"Amanda? Honey, can you hear me? Can you open your eyes?" The detective was greeted with a second groan and wasted no time before she ran out of the room calling for help.

Amanda's doctor and two nurses followed Olivia straight into the room. Dr Wyatt placed his stethoscope on Amanda's heaving chest. "Increased heart rate, high fever and breathing difficulties." The skilled surgeon was talking out loud and quickly came to a conclusion, turning towards a worried Olivia.

"The bone fragments must have travelled closer to her heart causing an infection which leads to elevated temperature and can compromise respiratory function. We have to perform emergency surgery right away to remove them." Less than a minute later Olivia found herself alone, still standing in the same position looking at the doorway where they had just rushed Amanda through, trying to catch up with what had just happened.

Elliot and John didn't have any luck during the night. Nothing unusual was going on in or around the building, at least not from what they could see.

"They must know they're being watched after the whole 'Amanda shooting incident'. They're cautious, not stupid about their next move. They're staying low." Munch had been talking almost through the whole night and Elliot felt like giving him a punch in the face.

"Do you ever shut up?" Elliot asked. His tired eyes still scanning the area and the house.

John turned to face him. "No, not really. I like the sound of my own voice. Besides, someone has got to do the talking."

Elliot squinted his eyes in attempt to see better through the car window. "Well, unlike you, I can manage quite alright without hearing mine... and yours." He picked up a pair of binoculars from the glove compartment and scanned the area, looking closely through every window of the house. "Its been over an hour we last saw any movement. I say we check it out." He looked over at detective Munch. "You wanna play Jehovah's witnesses?"

"Well, since I'm the one with words perhaps it's better if I get the honour." He opened the door and got out. "Come on, my friend. Lets experience the joy of being closer to God for a while."

They made it to the front door and gave it three knocks. Elliot was silently hoping that John had a rehearsed speech about Jeovah and his followers because he was not in the mood to start preaching. The older detective knocked again. Nothing. Looking at each other they grabbed their guns from their holsters and got ready to kick the door in. On the second kick the door gave away and slammed open. Elliot was first to enter.

"NYPD, we know you're here. Stay down and no one will get hurt." There was nobody in the house. They cleared each and every room one by one only to find the building empty. "Damn. There must be another way out that we didn't know about."

They split up and went to search for any clues of where they could have escaped through. Elliot was quick to spot their escape way. A latch in the wooden floor in the halway. It was covered by a rug but when Elliot stepped on it he could hear that, whatever he was standing on, it sounded hollow and empty underneath. He kicked the rug to the side. "John, over here."

The senior detective approached as Elliot got ready to open the latch door. Grabbing their guns once more they prepared themselves for whatever was going to happen. The latch was ripped open and the two detectives were faced with an empty small room. From where John was standing he could make out a narrow corridor leading from the little room.

"Do you see what I see, Stabler?" Elliot turned his head to where Munch was looking at. Without thinking Elliot descended the six foot drop with only his gun as a barrier between him and the unknown. Swiftly he enters the corridor. It was dimly lit by a couple of light bulbs along the right side wall.

"If I'm no back in five minutes call for backup." Before Munch could protest Elliot was already gone.

John rolled his eyes. "Terrific."

It was wide enough for a person to easily run through it. Built as an emergency escape exit, Elliot thought. Only two minutes had passed before he reached a dead end. There was no other way out except except the way he had just come from. Sighing, he was about to turn and head back when something caught his eye. Just above his head he could make out a rusty metal rail attached to the wall looking like a handle of some sort. As Elliot got closer he spotted another one and then another. It became clear that it was a ladder.

Looking up, Elliot counted the steps. There were seven of them altogether placed rather far apart but close enough for a small woman to climb up without difficulty. At the very top Elliot could see the outline of a circular shape. He knew instantly what it was. Grabbing onto the first rail he pulled himself up and climbed the ladder in jut a couple of seconds. Placing his right hand against the round lid of a street gutter, he gave it a hard push.

He stuck his head up through the hole and saw that he had ended up in a dark alley. He quickly climbed out fully and made a three-sixty, taking in the new surroundings. The alleyway was wide. A big car or even a van could easily fit through and still leave plenty of space on each side for the dumpsters that was lined up against the concrete wall. It was filthy and the smell of urine was overwhelming. Not wanting to take the same way back to the house and Munch, he was glad when he spotted the building behind a few other small houses and trees. He figured he had about a minute left before John would have the whole damn squad looking for him. He sped down the alley and headed for the house. Munch had his radio in his hand when Elliot came through the front door slightly out of breath.

"Oh, there you are. I was just about to call the captain so he could have your ass kicked. What were you thinking? Doing something stupid like that? You had no idea of what could have happened."

Elliot shrugged. "Well, nothing happened so the captain doesn't even have to know, deal?" Munch was not a happy camper about Elliot's reckless behavior but agreed anyway.

Stabler filled John in on what he knew. They both decided to split up and go from door to door asking if anyone had seen or heard anything unusual coming from the building or neighborhood. Losing their only lead it was all they could do.

Amanda had recently returned from surgery but was still sleeping. The doctor had informed Olivia that the surgery had gone as planned but that the blonde was very weak and was still fighting the infection. The detective was once again seated next to the sleeping form and affectionately ran her hand over a feverish cheek. "It's gonna be okay, Amanda. Everything is gonna be okay." She wasn't sure if the blonde could hear her or not but she felt the need to say those words. Her skin was clammy to the touch. Olivia had found a facecloth and she wet it and started to gently wipe at the sweat and tears on Amanda's face.

A few minutes passed and the blonde stirred, groaning while trying to shift in the big bed. Liv placed a cool hand on a burning forehead. "Shhhh, it's okay, don't try to move too much."

Amanda opened glossy eyes and met Olivia's gentle ones. "Wha..." Her throat ached but she was determined to have her say. "What happened?" It was barely a whisper but it was loud enough for Olivia to hear.

"You caught a fever from an infection in your chest. They had to rush you in for emergency surgery. They are pumping fluids and antibiotics right now but you're gonna be fine. You still have a fever but it's going down." Olivia quickly walked over to the bathroom and wet the cloth with cold water again. She gently placed it on Amanda's forehead. "How are you feeling?"

The blonde swallowed and licked dry lips. "Like I've been shot... twice." Her voice was raspy but clear.

Liv smiled a bit and continued rubbing her face with the cool cloth, slowly moving down to her neck. "Are you feeling sick to your stomach? Coming out of anaesthesia can do that."

Amanda had her eyes closed but shook her head, tilting it to the side so Olivia could reach better, groaning at the sensation. "Feels good, doesn't it?" Liv said.

Amanda just nodded, too tired to verbally answer. Normally, she hard when people fussed over her. If she had any strength in her body at all she would've brushed Liv's hands away and probably tell her to piss off, but in the state she was now in she didn't even find the strength to keep her eyes open. She had always taken care of herself and Kim. Even growing up Amanda had been the mother figure for Kim and she still was.

Kim couldn't remember their father because she was only a baby when he took off. At least that's what Amanda told her he did. The truth is that Amanda had aimed a rifle at him threatening to pull the trigger and blow his knee caps off if he didn't leave her, Kim and their mother alone. He was a horrible man, violent and angry. Her mother never forgave her for doing that. He was the one who brought in the little money that they had doing odd jobs here and there. The money was mainly spent on drugs and alcohol and that's why her mother had gotten so angry for kicking him out of the house. Now she wouldn't be able to get her fix and she physically and mentaly took it out on Amanda and Kim.

Since their was such a big age gap between the two blndes, Amanda was mature enough to raise a kid. She had no choice really. Social services was not an option. They would just split the two up and probably never see each other again. When Amanda was old enough she moved out with Kim leaving their mother to fend for herself. She had no clue, to this day, if their mother was even alive.

Groaning again Amanda turned her head towards Olivia. "Water?" the brunette barely heard the simple word but understood what she had said when she saw Amanda repeatedly tried to swallow and lick her dry cracked lips. The detective reached for a plastic cup with a straw in it. With Olivia's help Amanda took a few sips and collapsed against the pillows again, caughing slightly and whingeing from the pain.

"Shhh, easy." Olivia soothed. "Better?"

Amanda nodded and tried to focus her eyes on Olivia's face but everything seemed to be a bit blurry. The detective sighed and sat back a bit. "Amanda, I know I've asked you this already but considering the circumstances I feel the need to ask you again." She paused, giving the blonde some time to comprehend what she was about to say. "Is there anyone, at all, that I should call? What about your parents? They must be worried? What about a relative or a close friend? Anyone?"

Looking at Amanda's fever flushed face, she waited for some kind of reaction or response but the blonde only turned her head in the other direction and kept quiet.

"Amanda, please. There has to be somebody that would miss and worry about you? Come on, help me out here!"

Despite being really groggy after her surgery Amanda found some kind of strength inside of her. Turning her head back towards Olivia's caring and pleading face, she looked her straight in the eyes, her stare full of anger and hurt and her voice just the same. "I told you, detective. There is no one. Now, leave it alone." She hissed between her teeth making Olivia shudder slightly but not enough for anyone to notice. The detective just bobbed her head and decided not to push it... for now.


	9. Chapter 9 closer to nowhere

Chapter 9

Closer To Nowhere

Captain Craigen sat in his office, still trying to reach the girl through the phone number Amanda had given him earlier. Every day, since he received the number, he had repeatedly tried to reach the owner but there was no such luck. It went straight to voicemail. Not wanting to put the owner at risk he never left a message in case a pimp got a hold of it. Sighing, he decided to try once more before he would call it a day.

Four signals went through. Don rested his head against his right hand and was just about to hand up when someone on the other end picks up. Shocked, he was now on full alert and held the phone tighter against his ear. "Hello?" Nothing. He tried again. "Hello, can you hear me?" Still nothing but he could hear interference from the receiving end and became determined to find out who was listening. "Hello? Can you talk? Is it safe for you to talk?"

He could hear breathing now. It was slow and faint but definitely there. "Hello?" He tried again.

A hushed voice finally came through. "Hello." Don could tell straight away that the girl was foreign, possibly Russian.

"A woman gave me this number. A Madame. She wants to know if Kim is safe? Where is your current location? Is Kim with you?" There was a long silence and Craigen thought he had lost her but then she spoke again.

"She is not here anymore. She was taken two days ago. I don't know where. I have to go." The line went dead and Craigen could hear the urgency in her last spoken sentence, like she was close to getting caught.

"Damn!" He muttered and slammed the phone down on his desk. He stood up and rushed out from his office spotting Fin nearby. "Fin, get someone to trace my last call. I might have got something."

"Right on it, Cap."

Olivia felt someone tap her on the shoulder and instantly straightened up in the chair, in full detective mode. She placed a hand over her beating heart as she saw who it was. "Officer Walker! Sorry, you gave me a freight. Guess I fell asleep." The brunette brushed her fingers through tangled hair.

Donna chuckled. "Yeah, I can see that, detective. Why don't you go home and get some proper sleep in a proper bed. I'll take it from here."

Smiling, Olivia moved forward in the seat, ready to get up, when she caught a glimpse of the sleeping blonde's face. Amanda looked peaceful, almost childlike. Her breathing was slow and steady, her hair was adorably toussled and her right hand was hanging over the side, towards Olivia. The detective couldn't leave her like this. She looked so vulnerable and fragile, like she could break any second even from the softest caress. Olivia couldn't bare to leave. "Actually, I'm gonna stay. Its okay honestly. I got orders from my captain telling me not to leave her side until it's safe. I'm sorry I should have passed that on to you before you made your way all the way over here but as uncomfortable this chair is I couldn't help but to nod off. I'm really sorry, officer."

The brunette felt ashamed for lying but looking at Amanda's face there was no way she was leaving. A white lie never hurt anybody. She just had to make up a damn good reason to tell her captain why officer Walker was no longer Amanda's protective detail. That wasn't gonna be easy.

"Oh, okay. That's quite alright, dear. I understand. At least let me get you some coffee before I head out. I'll be back in just a sec." before Olivia could protest officer Walker was already out the door.

Glancing back at the blonde beautiful woman Olivia gently tucked her hand back underneath the covers and stroked her arm a couple of times. The detective didn't know this woman but she could sense a lot of pain and hurt from her past. The way she didn't like to talk about family and how protective and motherly she was about her sister. She got the feeling that Amanda was the one who had raised Kim and that she didn't trust easily or liked asking for help. After so many years working in SVU she could read people really well, specially victims. It made her sad to think about how Amanda, must have missed out on her childhood by growing up too fast.

"Here you go." Her thoughts were interrupted as Donna came back carrying a big paper cup with roasting coffee and a breakfast bagel. "I thought you might be hungry. You've gotta keep your strength up, dear."

Olivia accepted the cup and bagel. "Thank you so much. There was no need really but thank you. It looks delicious."

Donna waved her hand. "Don't mention it, hun. I'll be on my way then. Let me know if you need me again."

Liv took a big bite of the bagel as soon as Walker had left. Crispy bacon, cream cheese and spring onion was one of her favourites. The coffee wasn't bad either. It didn't take long before the bagel was consumed and only a sip or two left of the warm beverage.

"Don't you have someone waiting at home?" Amanda was now watching Liv finishing her coffee. Her voice was full of sleep and her yes looked raw but seeing that Olivia had spent the night and was still by her side felt kind of good, but never in a million years would the small woman admit it.

Liv swallowed and smiled. "Is that your way of asking me if I'm single?" She giggled a her own smart comment, watching Amanda roll her eyes. "If you must know there is no one waiting at home and I'm not dating anyone."

Amanda snorted. "I didn't ask you if you dated anyone. Its none of my business if you are. I just don't want to keep you away from... whoever."

Liv was about to say something back when her phone rang. Fishing it up from her pocket she saw that it was her captain. Not wanting to alarm Amanda she decided to just answer with a simple; "Benson."

"Liv, I got through to a girl with the phone number Amanda gave me. She said that Kim is not with her anymore. She was taken away two days ago but she didn't know where. She wouldn't tell me her location but I got Fin to trace the call. It came from an address in Queens. Fin and Elliot are checking it out as we speak. I'll keep you posted of what's going on."

Olivia nodded. "Thanks for letting me know. Just keep me in the loop." Amanda was throwing her suspicious glances, needing to know what was happening. Liv took a deep breath trying to figure out how to break the news to her. It was good and bad news. At least they had a location for now and that Kim was probably still alive. "That was my captain." She watched as Amanda snapped her head up, eyes wide with fear.

Olivia held her hands up to stop the blonde from panicking. "He got through to a girl with the phone number you gave us. She wouldn't tell us her name but we presume it's the girl you mentioned."

Amanda had stopped breathing and she was trying to listen to what Olivia was saying but it was difficult. Liv moved the chair closer to the bed, trying to reassure Amanda by physical proximity. "She said that Kim is not with her anymore and that she was taken someplace else two days ago but she doesn't know where. The captain traced the call and it came from Queens and they are looking into it right now." Before Amanda could say anything or freak out even more, Olivia grasped a nearby hand. "I want you to focus on getting better and for us to do our jobs. This is good news, Amanda. At least we have an address and that Kim is alive."

The need for oxygen got too much and a strained gasp of air ripped through Amanda's battered body. The air filled her lungs, making them expand and putting pressure on her chest. The next gasp she struggled to take was from intense pain. Her head started spinning and a wave of nausea washed over her. Placing her hand over her mouth Olivia knew straight away that Amanda was going to be sick. As fast as her legs could carry her, Olivia ran into the bathroom, grabbed the small trash can provided and got back to the distraught woman just in time for her to empty the contents of her stomach.

Not much was coming out since Amanda had hardly eaten anything. Clear liquid hit the bottom of the bin with a gushing sound and two seconds later a second wave came. Olivia could see and sense the pain Amanda was in. She knew from personal experience how painful it could be to throw up after a critical injury and she also knew that there was nothing she could do to make the pain go away. The only thing she could do was to place an arm behind quivering shoulders and try to hold her up while she was struggling to regain control of her body.

After about five minutes, after the dry heaving had stopped Liv felt that it was safe enough to remove the trash can. A nurse just passing by took the bin and handed Olivia some disposable cardboard trays instead in case they needed them for later.

Gently lying the shaking blonde back down on the bed Olivia wet a clean facecloth and wiped it softly across her sweaty complection. Her muscles were trembling from the effort and the pain came and went in waves and she couldn't help but to let out a pitiful moan. "Shhh." Olivia soothed and Amanda once again drifted off to sleep, knowing that Olivia would more likely still be there when she awoke. For the first time in her life, or the first time she could remember, she got an insight of what trust ment and felt like but she also decided not to get attached or too emotional. People always come and go. Trust was never a practiced task in her childhood, nor so far in her adult life. Trust led do disappointment, hurt then anger. It was never an option in the blonde's eyes. Never.

Olivia didn't stop stroking Amanda's face with the cool cloth until she was certain that she had gone back to sleep. She found it more difficult to tare her eyes away from the blonde beauty and wondered why she felt this way about a person she barely knew. She fought the urge to kiss the feverish forehead but the pull Amanda seemed to have on her was too strong. Leaning down Olivia brushed her lips gently over Amanda's temple before pulling away. The brunette was then shocked when she felt her hand being taken in a somewhat desperate grip and she thought she heard the word "stay" softly being spoken from pink lips. Even though Amanda was asleep, the firm hold on Olivia's hand spoke of the need of reassurance and comfort. Tenderly Olivia brushed her knuckles over Amanda's cheek and brow several times. "I'll stay. I'm right here, sweetie. I'm right here."

Again, the SVU squad was getting ready for anther bust. Only one block away was the located address and Captain Craigen was there himself since they were now one man short. They moved in quickly. Guns raised, vests on and full backup, everything was being done by the book.

The front door hit the wall with a loud bang and two officers, covering each other from different angles, stepped in. "FREEZE, NYPD! Stay right where you are and don't move."

Screams could be heard from all around the small house. It was fortunately only one level house and Craigen silently said a prayer. A smaller area made it easier to secure the scene and take control of the situation. When all the rooms had been cleared there were eleven girls, five pimps and three probable customers lined up against the wall in the run down hallway.

Craigen made sure the pimps and the sex byers were handcuffed and brought out before he turned his attention to the girls. They were all wearing skimpy outfits, caked in makeup and stilettos too high for anybody to walk in. He fished up a picture of Kim from his pocket, that he had printed of the missing person's report Amanda had made years ago, and held it up for every girl to see.

"I am looking for this girl. Her name is Kim. Does anybody know where she is? Is there anything you can tell me about her?" He walked along the line of girls. No one meeting his eyes and no one saying anything. Craigen knew he wasn't gonna get anything out of them, especially in this environment. It would be best to bring them all to the precinct and question them one by one. It was going to be a long day.


	10. Chapter 10 questioning

Chapter 10

Questioning

The three men buying sex were arrested. The pimps were questioned and so were the girls and Craigen was still none the wiser. Nobody wanted to talk, too afraid of what might happen to them if they did. Not seeing another option he took a picture of each girl and sent it to Olivia. Maybe Amanda could identify the girl who gave her the number in the first place.

Meanwhile Elliot and Munch were interrogating one of the pimps, trying to get anything out of him that they could use to build a case. Elliot, as usual had a hard time controlling his temper. "Tell us your name, uh? A scumbag like you must have a name that suits!" He was circulating the pimp to make him feel intimidated and small. The man was sitting down, hair cut crew cut style, baggy jeans and expensive jewelry. He even had a gold tooth showing its shimmering speks as he grinned.

"Okay, no name. Lets just call you scumbag. Is that okay with you Munch?"

John was casually leaning against the wall, already bored with the questhinking, of perps like him. "Works fine with me." He pushed himself from the wall, walked over to Mr Scumbag and leaned over the table, close to his face. "You know what? We're gonna find out your name sooner or later. We're detectives, it's what we do for a living. There's no way out of here, sunshine!"

The man looked Munch deep in the eyes, smirking slightly. "You've got nothin on me, old man."

Elliot came closer, arms crossed over his chest and an amusing grin on his face. "Is that what you think?" Resting his hands on the table top Elliot also leaned in an joined Munch in their stare off, locking eyes with the perp. "You see, the guy in the room next door already gave you up. He told us everything and you, my friend, will spend the next few years at Rikers. How's that?"

The detectives could see his nostrils flare and his expression change into fear, confusion and doubt. "You're lying. You're just saying that to get me to talk but news flash, dickhead, I'm not talking."

Elliot looked over at Munch and nodded. "Okay, well... uhm, you see there might be a little problem or some kind of misunderstanding here." The detective pointed towards the wall, indicating that her was talking about the other perp in the room. "The guy in there, somehow, believes that you are to blame for all of this. That you all got caught and arrested and now... now, he's not very happy and neither are the others." Elliot sat down by the table, moving the chair closer to the perp and scratched his chin.

"It looks like they have some kind of vendetta against you. I don't know, it seems like they don't like you very much. I thought guys like you stuck together you know, kind of like family but..." He shrugged. "maybe I just got the wrong impression."

Munch knew where this was going. After so many years of working as a detective they both knew that scare tactics were very efficient and almost always successful. Scaring the perp into talking was Elliot's favourite part when it came to the interrogation process and it looked like he was, yet again, right.

The perp darted his eyes from Elliot to Munch several times, obviously trying to read their facial expressions if they were telling the truth or not. He couldn't say. Their faces were not giving away anything. He started to sweat and was continuously swallowing even though his mouth had gone dry since he got to the precinct. Elliot quickly got up and walked towards the door. "You're free to go. We can't keep you."

A frown of confusion appeared on the perp's face, not understanding why he was suddenly free to leave and walk away from his arrest. Not moving from his chair Munch stepped in and roughly placed a hand on his shoulder. "You see, the others had some functional part of their brain intact and took a deal. They talk they walk so they're probably waiting for you on the outside." John looked over at Elliot. "But I don't think they're gonna be happy seeing you since they think you set them up."

The perp hastily stood up, anger written on his face. "I'm no snitch."

Putting his hands up in defence John took a step back. "Well, that's not the way they see it. Either way, I'm looking at a dead man. Do you know what people do to the likes of you in prison?"

Again, the perp got agitated but this time out of fear. "Prison? I ain't going to prison. You said it yourself, you've got nothing on me and I'm free to go."

Elliot lost his temper, approached the man, pushed him back down in the chair and slammed his hands down on the table right in front of him. "So talk! We can make you a deal."

Elliot could tell he was having an affect on the perp when he saw a glimmer of hope flicker in his eyes when a deal was being mentioned and he slowly reclaimed his seat. "I'm listening."

Elliot snorted slightly and Munch pulled up another chair, sat down and pulled out a picture of Kim holding it up for the perp to see. "We're looking for this girl. Her name is Kimberly, Kim for short. Ring any bells?"

The man looked at the photo and then between the two detectives, unsure of what to say and afraid of saying too much. Sighing, he slumped back into his seat. "I've seen her once or twice before." His left leg started shaking from nerves. "Pretty girl, nice merchandise and good for business, you know what I'm saying?" He snickered.

Munch raised his eyebrows in a non amusing manner. "Yeah, we get the picture, bro. Now tell us, when was the last time you saw her?"

The perp scratched his ear, thinking. "About... maybe six weeks ago at a... party."

"Who was her pimp then?" Elliot asked.

Again, the perp scratched at his ear, an obvious nervous habit. "Look, man... do you know what's gonna happen to me if I snitch?" Fear was evident in his angry voice.

Munch smiled slightly. "Do you know what's gonna happen if you go to prison? I've heard they easily break in newbies like you. If you're lucky you might have fully functional merchandise, yourself, by the end of it. You'll consider yourself blessed if you'll still be able to piss straight." John stood up. "Come on, Stabler. We're wasting our time with this one."

As they were approaching the door the perp gave in. "Wait!" He closed his eyes, thinking carefully about what to say next. "That girl, the pretty blonde, she was with Cash when I saw her. He bought her for good money and got it all back within weeks after buying her. She was making him a fortune. I don't know where she is now, I swear." Sweat was beginning to form on his forehead, dripping down his temples.

Elliot smiled, grabbed the man by his shoulders, pulled him up and shoved him towards the door. "Thanks. Now you're free to go."

The perp turned around and looked at Elliot with a terrified expression. "Wait! What about my deal? I need protection."

Munch placed a hand on his shoulder as he passed him out. "You got your deal. You talk you walk. A big guy like you must be more than capable of protecting yourself. Thanks for all your help."

The perp was left standing with his mouth open, sweating profusely and his heart beating out of his chest. He was literally a dead man. A dead man walking, but for how long?

John and Elliot decided to pay Cash a visit in one of the holding cells.

Olivia just got of the phone with her captain. He was constantly keeping her updated which she appreciated but it was taking its toll on Amanda every time her phone rang, desperate to hear how everything was going. Olivia tried to sound calm and collected for the blonde's sake, not to make her too worried but it was difficult when Amanda was too anxious to rest or go back to sleep.

"Amanda, please, you have to lay still or you'll tare your stitches again. Please, honey." Olivia tried her best to make the blonde stay still but it as nearly impossible. She mentally cursed herself as the pet name slipped out. They had been 'slipping out' more frequently lately and there was little Olivia could do to stop it from happening. She had always been good with victims, no matter how traumatic their experience had been, she could always make them feel better and safe by using her soothing alto voice, her deep brown understanding eyes and her reassuring touches.

Amanda was different. She could tell straight off that the blonde didn't get too close or attached to anybody, she didn't trust, maybe she never learnt how to in the first place, and she was way too independent. By knowing this Olivia knew that Amanda must have had a difficult and unsafe childhood. Or at least at some point in her younger years. There was nothing wrong with being independent but when it comes to a point when you're too proud to ask for help or accept it, then Olivia knew that something was causing that behavior and it could usually be traced back to their childhood.

Amanda still struggled to sit up. "I need to see Cash. I have to talk to him. He might know where Kim is and if he does, I swear to god, I'll beat it out of him." She was being held down by strong but gentle arms. "Let me go. I need to get out of here."

Olivia could tell, after so many years of experience, that the sedative that had been administered earlier on was wearing off. Amanda was now a lot stronger, lucid and coherent which could cause her more damage if she didn't stop tossing and turning. "I can't stay here, I need to go. If you won't let me speak to Cash then at least let me go home. Please." Liv could see the desperation in those blue eyes but there was no way Amanda could go back home.

"Amanda, you need to listen to me, honey." Once again the endearment slipped. " I know you want to get out of here. Nobody wants to be in a hospital but you need to stay still and calm down so you can give your body a chance to heal and recover." Her voice was soothing, almost velvety, and Olivia knew that her voice had a big impact on people in some kind of distress and would usually see an affect by now but with Amanda she had no luck. "Amanda, please. You need to lay back down, sweetie. I know you want to go home but your apartment is, at the moment, a crime scene. CSU are currently canvassing the place but that doesn't matter. You're not safe there. They know here you live and they won't hesitate to try something like this again."

The words finally hit home. "Then where am I suppose to go? What if Kim escapes and finds her way home an I'm not there. She'll think I gave up on her. I have to get out of here and find her." Aggressively, Amanda ripped the IV from her arm like it was nothing. She didn't even flinch from the pain it must have caused her. She swung her legs over the side and stood up. Barely aware of the pain her body was experiencing, cause of the adrenaline rush, she took one step.

"AMANDA! " Olivia was instantly grabbing onto the blonde's upper arms trying to stop her from causing further injury.

Amanda struggled in the detectives strong hold. She needed to get out. It was almost like she couldn't breathe and the walls were creeping in on her, getting closer and closer with each second. Tears of frustration, anger and desperation rolled down her face and her breaths were coming in short gasps. Shaky legs finally gave up and she collapsed in Olivia's arms, sobbing. "You don't... you don't understand. I can't stay. I can't stay here. I need... I NEED to get out."

A nurse must have heard the commotion, ran in with a sedative and quickly injected it into Amanda's drip. "We have to get her to lay down or she'll hurt herself."

Olivia could already feel the affect of the calming drug cause the blonde was now struggling less. She glanced at the nurse and held a hand up. "I've got it from here, thanks."

Alone once again Olivia gently pushed Amanda against the bed and sat her down. Bending down herself so she could make eye contact she cupped Amanda's face in her warm elegant hands. The frail body was shaking but her breathing was now somewhat under control. Olivia spoke in a firm voice. "Amanda sweetheart. You are safe here. Do you hear me? You are safe. Nothing bad is gonna happen to you. You have to... no, you need to calm down so you can get better. You'll be no good to Kim this way, sweetie."

Blue eyes started to droop and Olivia placed an arm around her shoulders, the other arm behind shaky knees and swiftly laid her down. Pulling away she was stopped by a fierce grip on her upper arm. She looked down at Amanda's terrified face and saw the desperation and angst hidden behind.

Without thinking, again, she leaned own, placed a motherly kiss on a still quite feverish forehead and stroked a flushed cheek. Her firm voice changed to a soothing one. "Its okay, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here when you wake up, I promise."


	11. Chapter 11 Being Sprung

Chapter 11

Being Sprung

Olivia was so tired. Her body ached, her eyes were stinging and her neck was a mess. Turning her head to the left She could hear her bones pop and she repeated it on the other side. A good full nights sleep in her own warm soft bed would do her wonders but she had promised Amanda she would be here and not keeping her promises was not like Olivia.

Amanda's mental state was not good and Olivia had seen plenty of mental health issues to know what she was talking about. Amanda wanted to go home, which was impossible. Even though CSU was probably finished going through her apartment it was still not safe for the blonde to go back there. Being stuck in a hospital was not helping Amanda's psychological state at all. She had seemed so desperate of getting out of the building earlier it almost scared Olivia. The blonde obviously didn't feel safe in the hospital and also feared for Kim's life.

The older woman placed a hand on Amanda's forehead. The fever had completely broken during the night, much to Olivia's relief. After making sure the sleeping woman was comfortable, the brunette made her way over to the nurses station just outside Amanda's room. She asked a nurse to keep an eye on the blonde while she made a phone call and a trip to the bathroom. After taking care of her screaming bladder first, she fished her iPhone out of her jeans pocket.

"Hi, Cap. Anything new?"

"Stabler and Munch are still grilling Cash since he was her last pimp. He says he doesn't know where she is and that he doesn't have her anymore. We can all tell he is lying and that he knows something, we just have to get it out of him. How's Ms Rollins?"

Olivia took a deep breath. "Well, that's why I'm calling. Physically she'll be fine. Her fever broke during the night but..." She sighed. "I don't think she should stay at the hospital any longer. Her mental state is... Well, all over the place. I know she doesn't feel safe here and that she wants to get out of here. I told her that her apartment is not an option, all I know is that I need to get her out of here."

Olivia could hear Craigen sigh. "What about moving her to another hospital under a different name?"

"I don't think that's an option, Cap. I mean, she freaked out last night. If she doesn't get out of here she will find a way of leaving herself."

"Where do you suggest she should go, Liv? I can make a few calls for an emergency safe house but you know how hard it is to..."

Olivia interrupted. "Well, I was thinking that maybe she could stay at my place. She can sign herself out, AMA, and I'll keep an eye on her. It has to be better than this."

"I don't know, Liv. I don't think it would be safe to..."

"Please, Cap. This is literally killing her. She'll be safe with me, You know that. I'll even let you put a protective detail outside my apartment building."

Craigen gave in. "Fine. But if anything happens it's on you, Liv."

"Thanks, Cap."

Happy with the outcome the detective entered Amanda's room just as the blonde began to stir. "Kim?"

Olivia wasn't sure if the half conscious woman thought that she was Kim or if it was a question on how the case was going? Liv sat down in the seat she just left a few minutes ago and groaned slightly as she did so, her sore bottom protesting. "Kim?" Amanda repeated.

"Amanda, Its Olivia. How are you feeling?"

Blue eyes popped open, scanning the room, before her eyes rested on the stunning brunette. "Oh, hi... um, sorry I thought you were... never mind." She shook her head, trying to sweep the images away that was stuck on her retina from the dream she just had. Kim had been found but not in time and she was dying in Amanda's arms and there was nothing anybody could do to save her. The blonde was relieved to wake up and realize that it had only been a dream, or a nightmare.

Liv cocked her head to the side and smile slightly. "Its okay." She cleared her throat and decided to tell Amanda the good news. "Listen, I was speaking to my captain and I convinced him to have you checked out of here, Against Medical Advice. He wasn't happy about it, nor am I, but I can see what this place is doing to you and I don't think staying here will do you any good or help with your healing process. Do you understand?"

Amanda was stunned. She had a choice of signing herself out? This was a surprise coming from the stoic detective, who always seemed to go by the book. Narrowing her eyes she looked at Olivia in doubt, as if this was a test or just a mean joke but the tanned face held nothing but honesty.

The young woman shifted slightly in the big bed. "Why are you doing this? I mean, shouldn't you be the one telling me that staying here is for my own good and, if you have to, use force to keep me in this bed?" Amanda tried to push herself up so she could rest on her right elbow but decided against it when a wave of pain shot through her chest and shoulder.

Olivia quickly adjusted the bed so the blonde could sit up easier. "Yes, I normally would but I can see that staying here is not going to help you one bit so I'm taking you to my apartment."

The injured woman stopped breathing for a moment, not really knowing what to say or how to react. "W... What?" Looking into Olivia's brown eyes she saw compassion and concern. Amanda got a strange feeling in her chest, almost a painful pang, as she realized that nobody had ever shown her concern or compassion before and she didn't know what to do with it. It was a strange uncomfortable feeling.

The detective smiled. "You heard me." Standing up she said, "I'm gonna see if I can find your doctor, have you signed out and then we can have you sprung, okay?" Amanda could only give a silent nod before the detective left the room.

"Well, here it is, casa Benson." Olivia helped the slightly wobbly woman inside and helped her sit down on the comfy couch. It was obvious that the blonde was uncomfortable and awkward in her new environment, not knowing what to do or say. She had never been really good at striking up conversations or socialize with strangers, she had always been somewhat of a loner.

Amanda swept her eyes ocross the living area and kitchen. It was quite big bur not too spacious. It was nicely decorated and she could tell by one glance that Olivia had good taste in furniture, colours and other equipment. It was cozy and warm, almost a cottage like feel to it. "Its nice. Homey." Amanda said, trying to keep her voice steady.

Liv shrugged. "Its comfortable. I dont get to spend too much time at home as I would like. I work all hours around the clock. You never know when you're gonna get a call."

"Must be hard." Amanda kept her answeres and comments short.

Again the detective shrugged. "Its okay, Im used to it. You know what they say, 'married to the job.'" The blonde only respoded with a nod. Olivia tilted her head to the side and took a good look at the woman infront of her. There were dark circles present under her eyes, blonde hair looked disheveled and dull and blue eyes now looked lifeless and empty. "Why dont I get the bed prepared in the spare room and you can lay down for a while. You look tired."

The smaller woman was indeed exhausted and her pain meds were also wearing off making the pull and pressure on her chest present. Amanda gaced at Liv. "So do you. Your ass must be one sorry ass for sitting in that god forsaken hospital chair." She watched as Liv smiled at her sense of humour. "Its oky, i can sleep on the couch. Dont make any fuss over me, I'll be fine here."

Liv chuckled. "Yeah right. As comfortable as that couch looks, trust me its not that comfy. You'll be much better of in a proper bed." The brunette fished out Amanda's pain meds and antibiotics from her purse and handed herva glass of water. "Here, take these. I can tell you're in pain and there is no need to put yourself through any more of that if it can be prevented."

Amanda watched as Liv left the room, her eyes unconsciously rested on a firm butt and rolling hips. In one swift move she gulped her tablets down. As much as she wanted to take a shower she couldnt find the energy to do so. She felt dirty and needed to wash away any traces of hospital that infested her body but she knew it would be an almost impossible task. It would have to wait.

Olivia entered the room, now wearing a white tank top, that showed off her tanned smooth skin and a pair of fleece bottoms. Amanda thought she looked like a completely different woman, relaxed and content. "You were right, I am tired. Didnt realize how tired I was until you said it." She approached the young blonde. "Come on, I'll help you."

They made it to the spare room and Amanda spotted a pair of pyjamas on the bed along with some towels, underwear and socks. The petite blonde was wearing scrubs she had been given at the hospital since her clothes were all bloodied and torn from the paramedics so they could assess her injuries. Amanda also spotted an en suite and was greatful she had her own space and privacy.

"Everything you need is in the bathroom, toothbrush, toothpaste, face cloths, shampoo, you name it." Olivia felt a bit out of sort and didnt know what to do next. "Um, well... ah, I think we both need a nap and later on we can have dinner and freshen up." She turned to leave but stopped suddenly as she realized that Amanda would probably need a hand getting changed. "Um, do you need help changing? I mean I dont want you to rip your stitches or anything."

Amanda blushed at the thought of the brunette undressing her and touching her body and she hated that Olivia was right. Lowering her head in embarrassment the blonde began to fidget with the hem of the scrub top. She hated to feel so out of control and helpless. The detective stood in front of her and crunched down a bit to make some kind of contact with the beautiful woman before her. "Amanda, hey its okay. If you dont want me to I understand but I think you'll be more comfortable in other clothes." She watched the small woman silently contemplating what to do before Olivia had an idea.

"Why dont I help you to change the top part and you can probably do the rest yourself, uh?" Finally Amanda agreed. Olivia placed herself behind the blonde and thanked whoever gave her a large size of scrubs. The top was like a tent on the petite frame and it wouldn't be a problem getting it off. Gently, as not to hurt the woman, Olivia managed to get it passed Amanda's shoulders and pulled it off her head. She knew Amanda was not wearing a bra so she merely placed the top on the bed and grabbed the fleece instead.

"The fleece has buttons in the front so I'm just gonna help you get your arms in and you can do the rest, okay?" Again, Amanda nodded. While unbuttoning the pyjama top Olivia's eyes travelled over the woman standing in front of her. She could make out faint bruises on her back and sides, probably from the shooting, her ribs were jutting out fom under her smooth pale skin and Olivia thought she looked more like a fragile, vulnerable and defenceless child than a fully grown woman. The protective instinct kicked in and Olivia swore she would do anything in her power to protect, defend and help Amanda through this and find her younger sister.

Gently she slipped the right arm into the sleeve and repeated the process on the other. Amanda hissed in pain as her left arm went through the sleeve. Olivia immediately put a hand on her lower back, rubbing small circles with her thumb. "Shh, I'm sorry. The pain meds should kick in any minute now."

Trying to keep some of her dignity intact Amanda grasped at the shirt in the front, covering herself up and hoping that Olivia hadn't seen anything Amanda didnt want her to see. Her skin was burning where the detective was resting her hand. It was almost too much for the blonde and she had to step away from the touch before she became weak and fell into it insted.

"Um, its okay. It didn't really hurt that much." The words coming out were more of a mumble than anything else but Amanda just needed to be left alone. "Um, thank you for um... everything."

Olivia sensed the blonde's uneasiness and decided it was time to leave. "My bedroom is just down the hall to the right. If there is anything you need don't hesitate to wake me up. I'm a light sleeper, okay?"

Amanda tried to avoid eye contact and slightly nodded, knowing it would be difficulty to tear her eyes away if they were to lock with Olivia's. The detective wasn't sure if the younger woman had heard her or fully understood. Catching blue eyes with her own, forcing Amanda to look at her, Olivia placed a fair lock of hair behind her ear and tenterly stroked her pale cheek while she pulled away. "Amanda, I mean it. Anything you need just come to me, okay... please?"

Amanda felt her eyes starting to tear up but she quickly blinked the drops away, swallowing desperately wanting the lump in her throat to ease up or, better yet, completely go away. "Okay." Was all she could muster, not trusting her voice to actually speak a whole full sentence.

The detective was happy enough with that answer and pulled away from the physical proximity and left the room.


	12. Chapter 12 Breaking

Chapter 12

Breaking

The two hour nap did Olivia good since her body had been screaming for some proper sleep and a soft bed. She swung her legs over the edge of the bed and looked at the time. It was 5.36 PM. With sleep still in her system she stumbled to the bathroom to take a quick shower, washing away the past two hours of rest. She could have stayed there for hours just letting the hot steaming water hit her back and neck, softening up the tense muscles. Before turning into a prune she decided it was time to get out.

The fridge was empty and so was her growling stomach. Take out menues filled her top kitchen drawer and she pulled out her favourite italian one and placed an order of their homemade ravioli filled with parmesan cheese and basil pesto, a creamy tomato sauce to go with it, garlic bread and cannoli filled with sweetened ricotta cheese for dessert. While waiting for the food she got the plates, cutlery and glasses ready fot the two of them. She was just on her way to check on Amanda when she heard mumbling coming from the blonde's room.

Olivia knocked on the door lightly, not wanting to give her a freight. The mumbling continued maybe even a bit louder Olivia thought. She knocked again. "Amanda, are you okay in there?" Liv waited for an answer but was only getting more concerned as the time went. "Amanda? Im coming in."

The room was dark but the light from the hallway seeped through and Liv could see the contours of Amanda laying on her back tossing her head fron side to side, mumbling words that didnt make sense. It was obvious that she was trapped in a nightmare. Olivia entered the room and approached the bed. "Amanda, wake up. Its just a bad dream."

The detective couldnt make out a single word of what Amanda was saying, it was all a slurred speech with a few moans and whimpers slipping through. "Amanda, you need to wake up, honey. Its okay, its just a dream." Olivia placed a hand on her right shoulder but she instantly regretted it when Amanda's right arm swung through the air missing the detective's face by an inch. "Wow, Amanda?!"

She finally sat down on the bed, gently took a hold of Amanda's both arms and held her down, leaning over her body. "Amanda, its only a bad dream. You're safe here, honey. Its just me, Liv. Im not going to hurt you but I need you to wake up." She gave her a gentle shake and suddenly blue eyes snapped open and Amanda's sweaty body went rigid.

All she saw as a dark shadow hovering above her making her feel trapped and threatened. She let out a whimper that almost sounded animalistic, curled into a foetal position and covered her face with her hands. Olivia was at a loss. She didnt know what to do next and she didnt know what had happened to Amanda to make her react the way she did. Quickly she let go of her shoulders and held her hands up to show that she didnt mean her any harm. "Its okay. Its just me, Liv. You're safe."

Bringing her hands down, away from her flushed face, Amanda saw the concerned look the brunette was giving her. "Liv?" It was almost a question, not sure if it was actually Olivia sitting next to her on the bed or an imposter. It was indeed the dark haired detective.

"Yeah, its just me. You were dreaming, honey. You okay?" Olivia unconsciously rubbed the blonde's arm in a soothing motion. Amanda got uncomfortable, not being one for pity and affection she pulled away and quickly dried her tears.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a dream... its nothing." With a painful expression she sat up, wishing she had a glass of water and her painkillers nearby. "Sorry if I woke you up."

Olivia tilted her head to the side, concern still showing on her face as she watched Amanda's eyes flickering around the room. "You didnt. I was already awake. You sure you're okay? It must have been quite a bad dream to make you react the way you did. You were mumbling, tossing around and at one point you even lashed out." She paused. "You wanna talk about it? It might help."

Amanda shook her head and tried to push the images away from her dream. "No, its fine, I'm fine." She answered a bit too quickly. "Um, would it be okay if I take a shower? I just feel dirty from the hospital."

"Of course you can but I think a bath would be easier for you so you dont put to much strain on your shoulder and chest. I'll get the water started." Olivia stood up but stopped as she heard Amanda's voice.

"Thats okay, I'll do it." The blonde shifted in the bed and managed to get her legs over the edge but not without a fair share of pain. Her face scrunched up and she gripped at her chest with her good arm, willing the pain away. A hand was placed on her shoulder.

"Amanda, its okay to accept help from someone now and then. It doesnt make you weak or any less human. I can see that you're in pain and I want to help. Just let me do this, please?"

Amanda tried to take a deep breath but her chest felt restricted. She looked away, not having enough courage to look into the detective's face to see the pity that must have been written all over it. Olivia however was not showing her pity. She was expressing her compassion and empathy for the injured woman but she knew that Amanda didnt see it that way. "Amanda?" Liv tried again.

"Fine!" She snapped. "If it makes you feel better, then fine." Blonde hair fell into her eyes, greatful for the long tresses hiding her face. A pang of guilt suddeny hit her. Olivia was here to help and she didnt deserve the attitude Amanda was giving her and she immediately felt bad for snapping. Wiping away a new round of tears, she chocked out a 'sorry' and cringed at how pitiful it sounded.

The older woman sighed and sat down next to her, making sure to keep some physical distance between them. "Don't be sorry." Olivia spoke softly. "Yes, it would make me feel better but its not about me, its about you. How you feel, what you want and what you need. You dont have to do everything on your own, Amanda. Its okay to lean on someone else and accept the help they are giving. I can see that you dont trust or rely on anybody easily and I respect that. Im not gonna judge you and ask questions about it, I'm sure you have your reasons to why its so hard for you to trust or depend on somebody. Its okay to feel that way. All I'm asking is for you to have a little faith in me and to let me help you. Please!"

Olivia hoped that Amanda heard and actually took in some of the information she had just given her. She watched blue eyes close for a moment before opening. "Its not..." Amanda rubbed her face with her good hand in frustration. "Its not that easy for me to just start trusting you. I dont know you that well and..." She chuckled. "Hell, to me you're just a stranger and I cant afford to being let down again, I just cant. I want to trust you but I cant. Do you understand?" Blue eyes filled up with tears as she looked at the concern that was still present on Olivia's face. "I cant."

Amanda was close to breaking down at this point and, even though it sounded horrible, this is where Liv wanted the conversation to lead. She needed Amanda to have some sort of breakthrough, to knock down some of the walls she had obviously spent years building up to protect herself. But from what or whom?

Placing a gentle hand on Amanda's knee Olivia was trying to fight off her own tears. Whatever had happened to this woman previously was affecting her to a point where she had lost herself during the way and could no longer see good in people or trust in anybody. "Amanda, honey..." Liv was now using her soothing 'victim voice', as people had started referring to it that way, and she was determined to get through to this woman.

"There are good people out there. People who wants to help you and to see you thrive and succeed. People who are kind and giving and dont expect anything in return. I'd like to think of myself as one of those people but god knows I'm not perfect. We all make mistakes and we all do and say things that we probably shouldnt but that doesnt mean that all people are bad or out to get you."

Olivia positioned herself a bit closer to the blonde and felt Amanda tense up. That didnt stop the detective from reaching out to grab her hands in a firm hold. "I am here, Amanda, and whatever it is you're dealing with, I think its too much for you to carry alone. You dont have to talk to me about it. Maybe you'll be more comfortable talking to someone else, someone who is more experienced and has more knowledge. I just want to help you, sweety."

Amanda pulled her hands away, angrily. "You mean a shrink? You think I'm crazy? You think I'm some sort of freak who is too fucked up to take care of herself, not to mention someone else? Well, news flash detective, I've been taking care of myself since I was twelve and I'm doing just fine." Amanda was angry. So angry she was almost visibly shaking. She wanted to get out, to run away from it all but she knew she was more or less bedridden. There was no use.

Liv pulled her hands away and placed them calmly in her own lap, still looking at the furious blonde. "Maybe thats the reason?" Olivia said softly. "I dont know any twelve year old who can look after themselves. They're not suppose to. Their parents are responsible for taking care of their children, no matter what. I dont think that was fair on you. To put you in that position at such an early age. You were only a child."

Amanda snapped again, tears rolled down her cheeks. "SHUT UP! You have no idea what you're talking about. My mom did everything she could to put food on our table, to put clothes on our backs and made sure we went to school every damn day. She did EVERYTHING! You have no right to sit there and judge, so just shut the fuck up!"

Olivia didnt let the sudden outburst intimidate her. In fact, she was getting quite a bit of information out of the blonde and she was starting to understand her situation a bit better. "And where was your dad?"

Amanda looked her dead in the eye and spat, "FUCK YOU!" She started to get up. She had to get out of here before it became worse. She could not break down completely in front of this woman, she refused. The anger and frustration was building up in her chest, adding to the pain that was already there.

Olivia scooted closer to keep her from getting up. "Where are you going? You're in no condition to go anywhere."

Amanda lashed out, trying to get a punch in but Olivia was quicker and instantly blocked it. "Nice try, but not quick enough."

Again the blonde aimed and once again she was blocked. "FUCK YOU, OLIVIA!" Amanda was furious. Using her both arms she went for the detective trying to get in a punch but Olivia was stronger and not to mention uninjured and trained for situations like these.

Liv got a hold of Amanda's hands in one of her own, placed her other arm around the distraught blonde's shoulders and held her close to her chest, pinning Amanda's hands between their bodies. Olivia was afraid that all the moving and twisting about would cause more damage and she had to make a decision. Now, wrapped up in her arms, Amanda was still struggling to free herself from the close contact.

"LET ME GO! SCREW YOU, BITCH!" Olivia just held on tighter, closed her eyes and sighed.

"Amanda, stop it please. You're gonna hurt yourself. Please, just calm down." Her words didnt help. If not they were making the blonde even more agitated and determined to break free.

"STOP IT! LET ME GO! PLEASE, LET ME GO! DONT HURT ME, PLEASE!" She was hysterical, screaming and crying. It seemed like Amanda was having som kind of flashback or a memory and was now reliving it but for Amanda it was real. It was happening. She felt his hands on her body, his eager panting in her ears and even the smell of alcohol and cigarettes was present. Rough touches, painful punches and degrading words were being repeated in her mind. "STOP IT, PLEASE! I'LL BE GOOD!"

Finally she stopped struggling, took a deep shaky breath and when she let it out she screamed. It was a scream full of pain, anguish and sorrow. Sobbing uncontrollably Amanda leaned against Olivia's frame, needing support. The blonde kept mumbling the same thing over and over between heartbreaking sniffles and excruciating pain, "Please, I'll be good. I'll be good, I'll be good. I'll be good, daddy. Please, I'll be good."

Then, Olivia understood and no questions, comments or statements were needed. She understood. Not caring how inappropriate it might be or seem, Olivia lowered them both down onto the bed, holding on tightly but careful as to not hurt her or cause discomfort to her injuries. The blonde hid her face in the crook of the detective's neck and sobbed.

Liv stroked her hair and back, occasionally wiping away tears as they fell, feeling them creating a wet patch on her shoulder. "Shhhh, baby. Its okay." Olivia soothed. "You're safe, sweety, you're safe. Everything is gonna be okay. Shhh."

The brunette placed a tender kiss on a nearby temple. "Its okay."


	13. Chapter 13 Feelings

Chapter 13

Olivia stayed in that very same position, holding onto the still lightly sobbing woman. Amanda, without realizing it, had revealed something bad from her childhood. Something so dark and painful to make her completely break down and had for a moment relived the memories she had. It broke her heart to see the blonde so distraught and in agony, both physical and emotional.

Learning that Amanda's father must have hurt her in ways Olivia didnt even want to think about, the detective now understood why the blonde was so protective of Kim and her own pride and independence. It was all she knew, all she was familiar with and all she could believe in. Being put in such a difficult position as a child was unthinkable to the brunette and she couldnt stop wondering how long Amanda would be able to keep up her facade and strenght. At some point things would come crashing down. Olivia had seen it before in victims and she knew that not dealing with these things the right way it could turn ugly.

The older woman was brought out from her thoughts by Amanda's weak voice. "Olivia?"

"Yeah?" Liv murmured.

"I hate to ask but do you think you could get me a glass of water and my pain medication? I would get it myself but I..."

"Of course." Liv interrupted and swiftly removed herself from the comfortable position. She found herself enjoying the physical closeness and contact with Amanda and she knew that it was inappropriate, especially in a situation like this. Another time or place, where circumstances were different, then maybe things between them would be differnt too.

Liv entered the kitchen to get what Amanda needed when there was a knock on the door. Knowing it was probably the food delivery guy she still grabbed her gun and approached the door. Looking through the peep hole she spotted a young man with a red baseball cap and two big boxes in his hands. Quickly Olivia put the gun away, opened the door and paid for her order, leaving the guy a generous tip.

Amanda was still laying on her side, curled into a tight ball when Olivia entered. "You think you can sit up for me?" Amanda nodded slowly, feeling the pain crashing over her in waves. Liv watched as the tablets were swallowed and gently took the glass from a shaky hand before its content were spilled all over the bed.

"Im gonna run you that bath while the meds are kicking in and then we'll have something to eat, okay? I ordered Italian, hope you like it otherwise I can order something else."

Amanda had her eyes closed but managed a faint smile. "Italian is great, thank you." The pain made it difficult to talk and she just prayed that the meds would kick in sooner rather than later.

Olivia took her time drawing the bath and getting things ready so the pain killers would take some effect before Amanda had to get up and move around. About ten minutes passed before Olivia stroked the half sleeping blonde's arm in attempt to rouse her. "Sweety, the bath is ready. Can I help you into the bathroom so you wont fall?" She cursed herself as the sweet endearments kept slipping out.

Amanda was now feeling the meds taking effect. The pain was faiding ever so slightly and her head started to feel like a heavy cotton bud. Without answering the detective the blonde just reached out her hand and allowed Olivia to help her to her feet and into the bathroom. "Thanks." Amanda's voice was shaky and uneaven. "I'll be okay now."

Liv raised her eyebrows. "Im not leaving until I know you're safe and sound inside the tub. You could fall and hurt yourself even further."

The blonde sighed and closed her eyes. She knew it was gonna come to this. Olivia was just too damn stubborn but so was Amanda and she was not, by any means, getting naked in front of the brunette. She had always been self conscious about her body and she still was. She had scars and marks on numerous areas and the thought of Olivia seeing them made her feel sick to her stomach. She could barely stand to look at them herself.

"Liv, please. Im too tired to argue with you, please respect my privacy and dont fight me on this. I will not go into that tub as long as you're standing there watching me. I'll be fine, I promise."

Olivia didnt look too convinced but she could see on the blonde's face that there was no point in fighting her on this. Sighing she said, "Fine, but I'm standing just outside the door until I know you're safely sitting in the tub, understood?"

Squinting her eyes Amanda still wasnt sure. "Promise you wont look?"

Olivia couldnt help but to chuckle at Amanda's modesty. "I promise I wont look... unless you fall, because then I dont have a choice but to look. By the way, you've got nothing I havent seen before." The last bit was not ment to be said out loud and Olivia kicked herself internally.

Amanda didnt reply to that. She just looked at the strong detective from the corner of her eye and wondered what she had ment by that. Was Olivia gay? Or had she just seen a lot of naked women in her life? "Let me know when you're safely inside the tub and then call me when you're done, okay?"

"Sure." Amanda replied hesitant.

With a lot of willpower and determination, Amanda was finally seated in the tub and gave Olivia the all clear. Liv had even put bubbles in the water and she kind of felt like a kid surrounded with white fluff. Smiling slightly she started to make shapes and patterns with the foam, something she use to do when she was younger. She use to play with Kim when she was giving her a bath, dividing the tub in half they use to pretend they had their own kingdoms with horses, princesses and princes. She wished she could have all that back. A tear slid down her cheek and she angrily brushed it away. Crying was not gonna get Kim back nor was feeling sorry for herself.

Grabbing a washcloth she began to rub the hospital smell and dirt of her body. It was painful but all she wanted was to feel clean again. She took care not to disturb or wet the stitches on her chest and shoulder, her hair also needed a wash desperately but reashing up to clean it with one hand would be difficult, too difficult for the blonde. Sighing in defeat she couldnt stand the smell and the grease, she needed it to be washed but dreaded calling Olivia in to help her. After a few minutes of debating ith herself she could no longer fight the urge to feel clean and called Olivia.

Amanda made sure the bubbles were covering her private parts before she told Olivia tht it was okay to come in. "Are you finished? Do you need anything?"

The blonde didnt know where to look and let her eyes flicker across the nicely decorated bathroom. "Um... would you... um, could you give me a hand washing my hair? I cant reach with the stitches and um... I would feel better if it got a clean?"

"Of course," Liv answered. "Just let me get something." A minute later she showed up with a plastic jug in her hand. "Now, why dont you lean back as far as you can without hurting yourself and I'll see what I can do."

Amanda complied and let out a sigh of relief when she felt the warm water soaking her tresses before dripping down her back. It felt so good and before she knew it Olivia had already begun to rub the shampoo into her scalp. Her whole body tensed up and a gasp escaped her lips. Hoping that Liv hadnt picked up on it she willed herself to stay calm and collected. It felt so nice to be touched. A touch out of care and kindness and not from punishment or lecturing. She couldnt help but to lean into the touch of Olivia's warm and gentle hands and she hated herself for it.

Liv gently worked the shampoo into blonde hair and took her time massaging Amanda's scalp. When she felt the smaller woman lean towards her, her heart filled with empathy and warmth. It made her happy to thinkbthat she could offer some sort of calm or comfort to help Amanda relax and not so tense, even if it only lasted for a minute or two. The brunette continued the massage further down Amanda's neck, feeling knots and tension there. Her eyes travelled over lean but quite muscular shoulder blades and continuing down her spine until she reached the foam on the water's surface where the rest of her body was hiding underneath.

Her eyes caught something as she brushed blonde hair to one side. A mark? A mole? A scar? Liv leaned closer to see better and could now easily make out the characteristics of a scar. It was quite big and slighty elevated but well hidden under blonde hair. Gently she graced her fingertips over marred skin. "What happened here, honey?"

Amamda quickly pulled away and her body went stiff and cold. "Nothing," She snapped. "I was a clumsy child I guess. Are you done? Im getting cold."

Liv decided not to push the subject. She couldnt visualize Amanda being a clumsy kid and knew she wasnt telling the truth. "Sure, just let me rinse the shampoo out."

Their dinner was reheating in the microwave while Olivia waited for Amanda to finish up and join her. She rubbed her hand over her face in frustration, thinking about how to get through to Amanda, how to make her open up and trust her. It was not going to be easy but she was determined to succeed.

"You look like you need a drink." Liv snapped out of her thoughts as she heard Amanda's voice. Her hair was toweled dried but still wet, her fringe reaching her blue eyes, cheeks rosy red and lips so pink and kissable.

Shaking her head to clear her mind she chuckled. "Im not much of a drinker but I do like wine. I would offer you some but I dont think its a good idea to mix alcohol with strong pain relief." Steaming hot food was placed on two plates and she gestured for the blonde to sit by the kitchen table.

Amanda slowly eased herself down into the chair, trying not to show any pain in her facial features. "Maybe it would help dull the pain even more. I feel like I've been run over by a pack of fighting bulls." She dug into her food, feeling it melt on her tongue as she savored the taste.

Sitting down across from the blonde Olivia looked at her with concern. "How bad is your pain? Do you need to go back to the hospital?"

"No, no." Amanda answered quickly. "Its... fine, I'm fine." She took another bite and changed the subject. "This is delicious. Best I've had in a long time."

Liv watched as Amanda ate and smiled at her healthy appetite. At least she's eating, Liv thought. "Glad you like it. There's dessert too." She wiggled her eyebrows.

Blushing slightly Amanda took a big gulp of water. "Whats for dessert then?"

"Its a surprise. Trust me, you'll like it." Liv dug into her food and they ate in a comfortable silence. Olivia hoped her captain would get in touch soon with good news. She didnt know how long Amanda would last without any possitive feedback. She looked at the blonde from the corner of her eye and felt a sense of pride washing over her. The things Amanda must have gone through to get here. The things she must have done and seen, awful things to get here where she is now and she was still no closer to finding her sister. Her heart ached to wrap her in a warm embrace and tell her that everything would be okay and that Kim would return safely. Olivia knew now that she was starting to have feelings for the blonde. Romantic feelings and there was no way she could deny it.


	14. Chapter 14 Blow

Chapter 14

Blow

Amanda was full. So full it was uncomfortable to move. The dessert had been the best part and Olivia was even kind enough to offer her the last cannoli. The bath had made a world of good, plust a delicious warm hearthy meal to top things off. She felt better in herself and more at ease. Thinking back to when she had literally broken down in front of the detective made her cringe and almost hate herself. It was embarrassing and she promised herself that it couldnt happen again. Over her dead body.

Her hair was now dry and she pulled it up in a loose bun with an elastic she found in her pocket. The pain in her chest and shoulder was still present but bearable. She watched as Liv kept herself busy in the kitchen by cleaning away the plates and empty take away containers. She felt so useless not being able to help but knew that Olivia wouldnt let her anyway.

The brunette was wiping down the kitchen counter and Amanda couldnt help but to let her eyes wander down along the detectives curvy but fit body. Amanda knew she liked women more than men in a sexual way. Women were more beautiful, more soft and warm and definutely better in bed because they always knew what she wanted. There was no denying that Olivia Benson was truly stunning. She was tall, dark, olived skin and curves in all the right places. She was also kind and caring by nature, Amanda thought. Being in the line of work that she is probably made her that way but not all of it. Amanda could tell that the detective was indeed a naturally compassionate woman who took interest in other people's well being.

Amanda snapped out of her buzz when she heard Olivia calling her name. "Sorry, what?"

Chuckling slightly at Amanda's perplexed expression, she spoke again. "I was just wondering if you wanted to watch a movie with me? If you're not too tired." Olivia tilted her head in a questioning manner.

"Um, sure... yeah. What did you have in mind?" Amanda asked, secretly hoping that the detective was not a fan of romantic comedies since they were her least favourite.

"Im not fussy. Do you have a favourite genre?" Liv asked.

The blonde was relieved that she got to pick. "Anything but rom-coms. I hate them with a passion. They are all the same. Guy meets girl, they fall in love and guy marries girl, and they live happily ever after."

Liv chuckled at the blonde's personal thoughts about romantic movies. She was glad to see Amanda open up a bit and seeing her in a more relaxed state made the blonde look even more beautiful and, somehow, a bit mysterious too. "I promise you that there will be no romcoms in this house. Why dont you go and sit down on the sofa and I'll be there in a minute."

Dispite being so bloated and full Amanda made it to the couch and slowly sat down in the corner of the two seater. Liv showed up a few minutes later with two cups of steaming hot peppermint tea. "If your somach is as full as mine then you're gonna need a cup of this."

"Thank you, and yes, I'm about to explode." She took a small sip of the hot liquid. "Sorry if I pigged out. I always eat too much."

Laughing, Liv sat down, leaving only a couple of feet between the two, turned the tv on and flickered through all the movie channels. "Dont worry about it. Its good that you're eating, it will make you heal faster, and besides, I always liked a woman with a healthy appetite. Its endearing."

Amanda turned and looked at the brunette, blushing. "Good to know, detective."

They settled on a thriller/horror and about thirty minutes in, Amanda started to nod off, but not wanting Olivia to see how tired she was, she fought to keep her head upright and her eyes open.

Another ten minutes passed and Liv was slightly startled when she felt the weight of Amanda's body gently pressing into her side. Turning slightly she saw the blonde's head slowly dropping and Olivia swiftly lifted her right arm so Amanda's head would softly land on her upper chest. Gently the detective placed her arm around the younger woman, grabbed a blanked that hung close by on the armrest and covered her up. She was surprised that, while fiddling wih the blanket, the blonde hadnt woken up but was on the other hand very much asleep.

Liv couldnt help but to inhale the sweet scent of her own shampoo but also the smell that was typically Amanda's. She couldnt describe the smell, only that she liked it and found it somewhat calming and soothing.

It didnt take long before Liv's phone rang. Greatful that she had it just next to her she saw that it was her captain. She quickly turned it on silent mode, as to not wake Amanda, and slowly slid out from her comfortable position. Hearing an unsettling moan escaping the blonde's lips, Olivia gently ran her fingers down her cheek. "Shhhh, I'll be right back." She soothed.

While closing the door to her bedoom she answered the call. "Cap, whats up? I hope you have some good news for me." She spoke softly, almost whispering.

"We got a location where Kim might be at. I dont want to get yours or Amanda's hopes up but we're heading over there right now. Its in Chelsea and we've got the whole crew on this, top priority. As I said, dont get your hopes up. I'll call you as soon as I find something."

Liv closed her eyes and let out a breath she didnt realize she was holding. "Okay, thanks Cap. Be careful and watch your six. I'll have my phone close by." Liv sighed as she hung up. This was good news that could turn out to be a false alarm and a disappointment. She thought about the whole situation and finally decided not to tell Amanda until after the bust. She didnt want to give the blonde any false hope in case it didnt turn out well.

When she opened the door she saw that Amanda was awake with a worried expression on her face. Olivia gave her a small smile, trying to act as normal as she could and not let any emotion show as she sat back down on the sofa. Before she could speak up Amanda beat her to it. "What did your Captain say? Do they have anything new?"

Olivia looked into blue concerned desperate eyes and knew she couldnt lie. She must have hear their conversation through the paper thin wall. She took a breath and turned her body towards Amanda's. "Yes, that was my Captain. They um... they got a location where Kim might be at. Its in Chelsea and they're heading over there right now."

Amanda started to get up but Liv quickly grabbed her hands and gently pulled her back down. "There is nothing we can do but to wait until my Captain calls me again. Im sorry, sweetie, you were not ment to hear any of that conversation and thats my fault. I should've been more careful."

The blonde ripped her hands out of Olivia's firm hold and stood up. "Not ment to hear it! Its my sister we are talking about. I have every right to know whats going on." She started to leave and clutched at her chest as the pain ripped through her. "Im leaving. I'll find her myself." The anger and determination in her voice almost scared Olivia. She headed towards the front door, intending to leave, currently not aware that she was dressed in pyjamas and slippers.

Olivia rushed after her, placed a hand on the door handle, stopping the enraged blonde from doing anything erratic. "Amanda, honey, you..."

"DONT CALL ME THAT!" She suddenly shouted and tried to push Olivia away. "GET OUT OF MY WAY."

Liv didnt let her emotions show. Her stoic face simply held one expression, determination. "You are not going anywhere, Amanda. Its dark, its late and you're wearing PJs. If I let you go, I wouldnt be doing my job very well. Its not safe and you're hurt."

"So thats all I am to you? Your job? Just another victim for you to coddle over so you can feel better about yourself cause you're doing your job? Is that it? Well, fuck you, detective Benson. You cant keep me here against my will. Get the fuck out of my way!" Amanda gave her another shove but Olivia was stronger and refused to give in. "I said move, or I'll move you myself." It was a threat. A mean threat but Amanda didnt know what else to do. When the detective still remained in the same position, the blonde saw red. With all the strength she could muster she swung her arm and felt her fist connect with Olivia's jaw.

Liv was stunned. It had happened so quickly that she didnt have time to react or try to defend herself from the blow. Searing pain shot through the side of her face and she stumbled backwards slightly. Bringing her hand up to her jaw to assess her injury, she was relieved to find the bone intact but knew that she would have one hell of a bruise covering her chin and jaw.

She took one glance at Amanda, who looked just as stunned as herself. The blonde simply stood there, arms resting along her sides, chest heaving and tears forming. Liv knew that Amanda had acted out of desperation and couldnt fault her for it.

Ignoring her own pain she brought her hand out to touch Amanda's arm but was rejected when the blonde pulled away holding her hands up in shock not knowing what to do or what to say. She had just given a Manhattan SVU detective a decent punch to her face. What the hell was she thinking?

Amanda took a step back but was stopped by the wall behind her. What had she done? Why did she have to go and make things worse? Why was all this happening to her? Feeling her legs lose their power, she slowly slid down the wall in defeat. It was all so quiet, like the time stood still for a moment. The tears were flowing and, despite her hatred for crying, she didnt do anything to try and stop them from coming. It would be useless and pointless. She brought her knees up to her acheing chest to hide her tear stained face.

Sobs tore through the silence and ripped through Olivia's heart. Ignoring the fact that Amanda had refused her attempt of physical contact, just a few seconds ago, she now kneeled down in front of the distraught woman and pulled her into a warm embrace. "Its okay." She whispered. "Shhhh, its all gonna be okay, sweetie."

Amanda brought her head up and looked at Olivia with tears still falling from her eyes. "Im... Im so so sorry. Im sorry, Im sorry, Im..."

"Shhhh, sweetheart. Its okay, I know you didnt mean to and Im okay, really. I'll have one big bruise to show off but other than that Im perfectly fine, sweetie, I promise." Again Amanda let out an anguished cry and clung to Olivia for dear life as the sobs kept on coming, slicing through the air like a sharp knife.

"Its okay, honey. You're gonna be okay. Im right here and Im not leaving. You're not alone anymore, sweetie. You're not alone anymore."


	15. Chapter 15 Waiting Game

Chapter 15

Waiting Game

The ticking of the clock in the kitchen made Amanda more anxious. Tick tock, tick tock, like an evil reminder of the inevitable. The detective watched as the blonde paced around the living room, running her hands through her fair locks, trying to control her breathing but proven unsuccessful.

"Amanda, please! You're not making the situation any better. Just try and stay calm for your own sake." Olivia pleaded. Only twenty minutes ago her Captain informed her about the upcoming bust. A lot had happened since then. A heated conversation from Amanda's part, a shoving match, a punch in the face and an emotional breakdown.

Amanda glared at the brunette. "Do you have family, detective?"

Liv knew where this was going and she sighed but answered honestly. "The squad is my family."

The blonde snorted and shook her head. "Its not the same thing. Blood is thicker than water and there is nothing I wouldnt do for Kim. She is my family! The only family I've got left and if I dont gpobablyack there is no reason for me to be here."

Olivia's heart started to pound. She knew what Amanda ment by that. Slowly she stood up and made her way towards the pacing woman. "Please," Liv begged, "dont say that." She stopped before she got too close.

"Why not?" Amanda spun around to face Olivia that was now standing a few feet away. "If I dont have Kim I have nothing left to live for, whats the point? Why would I want to live the rest of my life all alone?" The compassion glowing in Olivia's eyes was obvious but to Amanda it was an unnecessary and annoying emotion.

Liv took a step closer but stood her ground, willing herself not to come any closer unless she knew her proximity would be accepted. "You're not alone, Amanda. Whatever happends, you've still got me. I dont know if that mean anything to you but I just want you to know that Im here and you're not alone."

Blue eyes connected with Olivia's brown ones and an awkward chuckle escaped the blonde's throat. "Yeah, right. Is that what you say to all of your _victims, _detective or am I suppose to feel special?"

Licking her lips, Liv sighed in frustration but also a strange feeling of proving to Amanda that what she had just said was true. A headache was forming from the blow that happened earlier and she couldnt hide the fact that she was in pain. Rubbing her temples with her fingers, she scrunched up her face in a grimace.

Watching the older woman struggle with her headache made Amanda feel guilty. She was the one who had caused her that pain and now she felt like she had to make it better. Storming off she felt Olivia's eyes follow her every move and didnt stop until she handed the detective a glass of water and a painkiller. "Im sorry again for... you know, giving you a whack." She spoke quietly. "Its unforgivable and immature and I am really truly sorry for causing you pain."

The sadness and regret in her voice was present and Olivia didnt doubt for one second that Amanda wasnt telling the truth. She accepted the water and downed the pill before finishing the whole glass, feeling the cool liquid pass through her throat, quenching her thirst. "I know you didnt mean to hit me, Amanda. It got out of control and what you did was not really you, I understand. There are no hard feelings... just painfull ones." She joked and offered the blonde a smile. "And besides, Ive had worse." All she wanted to do was to make Amanda feel better about herself and about her fist slamming into Olivia's face, almost breaking her jaw. Her smile got wider as the blonde rolled her eyes and tried not to smile.

"Well, thanks for letting me know. Next time I'll punch harder." She said unaware that she was now rubbing her knuckles to dull the slight ache that was now making itself known.

Nothing was said for a few minutes. The silence echoing through the room and a strange tension in the air appeared, the atmosphere was thick with unanswered questions, unspoken feelings and hidden desires. Amanda seemed to see everything so black and white but other times there were so many more colours between the two that it confused Olivia quite a bit. She couldnt put her finger on it but there was something mysterious and compelling about the woman standing in front of her.

They were both startled when Olivia's phone rang once again. Eyes met and the desperation and worry that was etched on Amanda's face was almost unbearable to witness. Dreading the phone call and the unknown news, she slid her finger across the screen of her iphone. "Captain?" Her voice was shaky.

"We got her, Liv. We've got Kim. She's on her way to Mercy hospital. She was unconscious when we found her but she's alive. I'll meet you by the entrence in thirty minutes and I'll take you to her."

Liv just stood there. She was relieved and afraid at the same time. Afraid of how serious Kim's condition might be and also afraid of Amanda's emotional state and reaction when she had to inform the blonde about the news. "Liv? You still there?"

Craigen's voice brought her back to the present. "Yeah, got it. Thirty minutes." She was stunned and chocked herself. To find a trafficked girl alive after such a long time was highly unusual and extremely rare. She just hoped that Kim would be awake and alert by the time they reached the hospital. She hung up and turned slightly to look at Amanda.

"They got her, Amanda. She's alive but unconscious and we're meeting my Captain at the hospital in thirty minutes." Liv watched the blonde standing rooted in place, her body ridgid and tense. Her facial expressions were hard to read until Olivia realized that she probably wasn't feeling anything at that exact moment. Shock was evident and so was relief but apart from that, Amanda's face was blank.

It felt like they stood there for ever, just looking at each other and Liv still clutching tightly to her phone, but in fact it was only for a few seconds before Amanda finally crumbled. Her knees buckled and she sank to the cold wooden floor, hands clutching at her chest and sobbing uncontrollably.

Liv watched as the petite frame collapsed a few feet away from her, heard the anguished sobs and slender fingrs grabbing at the material on her pyjama top. In two long strides she was by her side, kneeling down in front of her and engulfed the shaking woman into her strong arms, hoping she could ease some of her tension and pain. They didn't speak, just the loud sobs could be heard echoing through the house as the cries only got louder.

Olivia felt the distraught woman clinging onto her and she was relieved that the physical touch was welcomed and not pushed away. A few minutes past by before Olivia finally untangled herself from a still crying Amanda. She brushed blonde bangs away from bloodshot blue eyes and wiped at the tears. "Come on, I'll find you something to wear and then we'll go, okay? I think I might be able to find something that would fit you." She helped Amanda to her feet and walked her into her bedroom.

"Have a seat on the bed and I'll find you something." Amanda hadn't said a word since the phone call. Her head was buzzing with thoughts, feelings and emotions that was too overwhelming at the moment. She wished she could just shut it off and not think or feel anything but that was humanly impossible.

True to his words, Craigen was waiting anxiously by the entrence but trying to keep a proffesional and calm face. When he saw Amanda being supported by one of his best detective's, his heart stung. As they got closer he could see the physical state of the blonde and it didn't look good. Olivia had been right when she had suggested to discharge her from the hospital. Amanda did look a mess, physically and emotionally, and he hoped that she was ready to see her long lost sister lying unconscious in a hospital bed with tubes and wires attached to her malnourished body. He was glad that she had Olivia to lean on for the moment.

"Where is she?" Amanda asked, her voice thick and hoarse from all the crying, tears still prickling her eyes and Olivia was firmly holding onto her arm.

Craigen nodded his salute to his detective. "Follow me." He said.

Amanda couldn't get there fast enough. She tried to take bigger steps but the pain in her chest made it extremely difficult. Liv wanted to slow her down but decided against it, thinking it would be useless to even try. She knew that Amanda wouldn't rest until she was safely situated by Kim's side.

The Captain stopped outside a closed door, turned towards the two women and was just about to inform Amanda about all the machies, tubes and wires that her sister was hooked up to, but never got a chance before the blonde burst into the room, her heart beating furiously.

The girl on the bed was a dublicate of Amanda, only a younger version. She was skinny, pale and bruised. Her head was wrapped in a white bandage and light blonde hair spread freely over her shoulders, making her look almost angelic. This was not the Kim Amanda remembered. This was only a shell of what she use to know. This was not her sister. Although, she was.


	16. Chapter 16 Heavenly

Chapter 16

Heavenly

Standing by the side of the big hospital bed, Amanda was looking at her sister laying there, unconscious but alive. It all seemed so surreal and strange seeing her again for the first time in almost three years. She had grown taller and her body had followed natures course and she was now a young woman and not a little girl anymore.

Amanda was almost in a trance state, just looking intensely at Kim's face hoping to see blue eyes open but nothing happened, they remained closed. She noticed that Olivia was by her side and had placed one hand on her shoulder without the blonde even acknowledging it. The doctor was standing by the end of the bed with a chart in his hands.

"When will she wake up?" Amanda asked without taking her eyes of her sister.

The doctor sighed and shrugged his broad shoulders. "It's impossible to tell. She has a bit of swelling on her brain which could take a couple of days to go down. Her body is healing and it's her body's way of telling her to rest and sleep is the best treatment to recovery. We don't expect her to wake up within at least two to three days maybe longer."

Amanda finally looked up, her face still wet with tears, fresh and old. "But she will wake up right? I mean, she'll make a full recovery?"

"It's looking good so far. Most patients in these cases wake up within a few days and fully recover but..." he sighed again but knew he had to deliver possible bad news as well. "sometimes, on rare occasions, patients don't wake up or if they do they might have difficulty speaking, moving, walking or even memory loss. She was hit in the back of her head with something heavy and we frankly don't know how her brain and body will react to the blow and trauma. Sleep and rest is the best thing for her right now."

The doctor took a closer look at Amanda, her slight battered appearance, tears streaming down her face, dark circles under her eyes and underweight, made him wonder what had happened to her but didn't ask. "I'm almost a hundred percent certain that she wont wake up within at least fortyeight hours. You should go home and get some rest, don't forget to take care of yourself, she'll need you to be strong for her when she wakes up."

The doctor left the room leaving the two women alone. Amanda sank down onto the chair next to the bed, gently took one of Kim's hands in hers and dropped her head down onto the bed sheets, welcoming the cool sensation aainst her flushed face. It even felt surreal to touch her. After three years of not seeing her sister and suddenly she's sitting next to her, touching her, looking at her, it was overwhelming.

Once again her houlders started to shake from sobs. The relief was too great and with Kim now safely back in her custody it all became too much. While holding her sister's hand, crying her heart out, she felt Olivia standing by her right side, touching her shoulder gently. Amanda suddenly turned her body towards the brunette, wrapped her arms around the detective's waist, hid her face in Olivia's stomach and cried. She hated feeling so weak and vulnerable and she hated the fact that she was now clinging to Olivia like she was her only lifeline but she needed it and needing comfort and physical contact made her hate herself even more.

The brunette was startled when she felt the small body against her own, feeling her shirt dampen from Amanda's tears. She didn't care, all she cared about was to offer the blonde what she needed and ifshe needed to be held, Olivia was happy to oblige. She stroked the blonde tresses and quivering shoulders, hoping it would help ease her pain. Holding on tightly, Olivia whispered shushing noises and words of comfort.

She knew it was hard for Amanda to show emotions and breaking down like this, asking to be consoled, was obviously extremely difficult for her. She felt her own tears started to pool as she squeezed the crying woman tighter. "It's gonna be okay, honey. She's gonna pull through." Before she could stop herself she kissed the top of Amanda's head. "Shhh, it's gonna be alright."

An hour passed and Amanda was an emotional wreck. She kept touching Kim's face an hands, making sure she was properly covered and laying comfortably, all while drying her own tears as they silently continued to fall. Olivia thought the blonde was going to collapse from stress or have a nervous breakdown but Amanda was strong, maybe too strong, to let that happen but Olivia knew that everyone had a breaking point and it was just a matter of time before the walls would crumble. Taking care of herself was something Amanda wasn't use to doing. It had always been about Kim, her safety, her needs and wants. Never about Amanda and Liv decided there and then to make sure the blonde was looked after.

"You don't have to be here you know. I'll be fine. We'll be fine." Amanda finally spoke after almost a whole hour of silence.

Olivia sighed and walked closer to the blonde sitting on the chair. "I'm not going anywhere, Amanda. I'm making sure the two of you are safe and settled. Im not just gonna get up and leave."

Amanda looked up at Liv, slightly surprised. "I really appreciate all your help but we'll be fine. Kim is back and that's all I needed, you don't have to worry, we always managed to look after ourselves but thank you. I really mean that."

Liv placed a hand on her shoulder and looked her in the eye. "I know you do but I'm still not leaving until I know it's safe and if that is what you want. Until then I'm staying put." She tilted her head to get a better view of Amanda's face. "Besides, you can't have too many friends, right?"

Blue teary eyes blinked and a lone salty drop travelled down a smooth cheek. Before she could wipe it away, Olivia had already done it. Blushing, Amanda bent her head and nodded. "Thank you." She said quietly, her voice full of emotion.

Another hour went by and Liv could see the blonde struggle to keep her eyes open. She didn't know what to do, since she knew Amanda was so stubborn, it would be difficult to try and talk her into going back to Liv's place and get some rest. Amanda's apartment had been fully processed since the shooting which gave Olivia an idea. Maybe the younger woman would be more comfortable in her own clothes so she decided to try a different approach.

"I was thinking about picking up some of your things from your apartment now when CSU got everything they need. Why don't we drive out, get some of your things and go back to my place and get some food and rest. What do you say?"

"I'm not leaving Kim on her own." Amanda said with determination, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

This is going to be tough, Olivia thought but she wasn't giving up that easily. "She's not on her own, sweetie. There's doctors and nurses all over the place, constantly checking on her. I can also get a uniform to stand outside the door if that would make you feel better?"

Amanda was quiet. It would make her feel better but it would make Kim feel better if Amanda was the first person she saw when she woke up. Her silence gave Liv a chance to try and persuade her to do the right thing.

"I know you want to stay, honey but you heard the doctor. She's not gonna wake up within the next fortyeight hours and you need your sleep so you can be there for her when she does wake up. You have to look after yourself too." She looked intensely at Amanda, knowing that she was definitely thinking about it. "You'll feel more comfortable in your own clothes and you can bring some of Kim's stuff with you to take back to the hospital. Im sure she would appreciate the comfort of her own things as well. It might help her heal faster."

Amanda felt Olivia's close presence. It was soothing, somehow, to know that she had someone there for her even if the woman was still somewhat of a stranger. Finally, Amanda looked up and nodded slowly. "Okay. But I'm coming back here first thing in the morning, no matter what you say."

Now it was Liv's turn to nod. "That's fair enough, sweetie. Im gonna let the doctor know that we're leaving and to call me if there's any changes. I'll be right back."

While Liv was gone, Amanda leaned in and kissed her sister's cheek and forehead. "I'll be back real soon, sis. I love you and nothing will ever change that. I know you're in pain and I know that you can hear me, so please, wake up soon. I need you,Kim. I need you in my life."

Sitting in her own comfortable clothes by Olivia's kitchen table, they were picking at the Italian leftovers from the previous night. Amanda had packed a bag for herself and one for her sister. Being back in her apartment, even just for a few minutes, brought back some surprising feelings and memories. She didn't think she was going to react the way she did and was slightly baffeled when she saw the state of the place.

Everything was intact except the front door and the hallway. The doorhandle was broken, her coat hanger was on the floor with jackets and jumpers scattered around but the blood, the old, dark red, now crusty blood, was making her nauseous. It was her own blood and there was a lot of it. A big pool where she must have been laying in when the paramedics found her and smaller drops and splashes around it.

Olivia had come up behind her and placed a hand on her lower back, in a comforting manner. She could see the pale face of the blonde and tears starting to leak down her cheeks. Tugging slightly she tried to lead her away from the horrific scene and a few minutes later they were out of there.

Watching Amanda play with the food on her plate made Liv wonder if she had done the right thing by dragging her away from her sister's side. "You need to eat something, Amanda. The food isn't gonna eat itself." Blue eyes glared at her from underneath her blonde fringe. "Please, for Kim?" Liv tried again.

"Leave Kim out of this. You can't use her like that." She snapped.

Liv sighed and held her hands up. "Im sorry, that was wrong of me, but you do need to eat, sweetheart."

"Don't call me that." Amanda said quickly. "Im not... I just... I... Just... don't call me that."

Olivia placed her knife and fork down on the now empty plate. "Why not? Why don't you like that word?" Liv tried to push her into opening up but knew she was probably in for a battle.

"I just don't, okay. Can't you just leave it at that?" Amanda got up from the chair, her fists clenched tightly and her breathing turned heavy.

The brunette studied her body language and knew she had striked a nerve of perhaps gone too far but the damage was already done, nonetheless. "There has to be a reason to why you don't like it, just like there's a reason for your breatbing to become heavy and the tightening of your fists. There's always a reason behind every feeling, every reaction and everything that you do, Amanda. I've done this job for so many years and I can tell when something is not right. I know something bad happened to you as a child and I just want to help you."

Snorting, Amanda started to pace, her body became stiff, her eyes cold and distant and the heaving of her chest had become more erratic. "Help me? You can help me by not asking so many damn questions. Im not one of your victims that needs saving, detective. I'm dealing just fine, so leave it."

Standing up herself, Olivia walked closer to the blonde. "Are you? Are you dealing fine? I don't think you are, Amanda and that's okay. We all have our own coping skills and we just have to find the one that works for ourselves. Maybe it worked for you at the start but I can see now that it's eating you up. You have to let go at some stage and face it. It's the only way."

"What the fuck do you know?" Amanda shouted. "You probably had the perfect childhood, loving parents, loads of friends, toys, clothes and food. You never had to wish for anything, did you? You had it all, right? Well, detective Benson, I didn't, we didn't, so shut the hell up, princess, cause you know shit."

Olivia remained calm and collected. She was kind of laughing on the inside from what Amanda had just said. If she only knew about Liv's childhood, perfect was far from it and she decided to tell Amanda about it. Maybe that way the blonde wouldn't feel so exposed and lonely.

"My mother was raped." She simply said. Amanda stopped dead in her tracks and held her breath. "She was an English professor and she was walking home late one night when some random guy grabbed her, shoved her into an alley and raped her. Nine months later, I was born."

Olivia could see Amanda releasing the breath she had been holding and she turned around to face the detective. Liv continued. "My mom hated the sight of me cause I reminded her of what had happened. She started drinking and became physically abusive and one day she fell down a flight of stairs by a subway station and died. She was drunk of her head. That was about fifteen years ago. I still don't know, to this day, who my biological father is and I don't want to. He's a monster for what he did to my mother and I hope he will pay the price for it."

Amanda was stunned by what Olivia had just shared with her and she immediately started to regret her earlier words about the perfect childhood. She wished she could take it back now but things had already been said. She looked at the stunning detective, taking in her beauty and strength. Liv seemed at peace with it and she wanted to know how the brunette survived all that.

Amanda took a few steps closer and was now facing Olivia, just two feet away. "Im sorry about your mother and for what I said. I shouldn't have said it, it just... I don't know, slipped out I guess. I really am sorry."

Liv just smiled. "I know." Was all she said, still looking intensely into Amanda's eyes and saw the regret. "I know." She repeated.

Amanda, then, did something that stunned the detective and almost made her paralyzed from chock. Amanda crashed into Olivia's body, slamming her lips against the detective's and wrapped her arms around her neck for further contact. It was a rough kiss full of want and lust and Olivia found herself lost in it. Amanda deepened the kiss by opening her mouth and asked for entrance which was granted when she felt Olivia's tongue grace against her own.

Both women let out a loud moan at the soft contact, pulling themselves even tighter together, hands roaming freely across areas that had been neglected way too long for both of them. It was a heat-and passionfilled moment that could've continued forever but Amanda finally pulled away, breathlessly. She gazed at Olivia's bruised lips, then met her eyes and saw raw passion hiding inside.

"Im... Im sorry, I... I don't know what came over me, I..." the blonde was suddenly stopped by the same pair of lips she had felt only a second ago. This kiss was different. It was more soft, gentle and full of care that is almost made Amanda tear up. The blonde melted into the kiss and moaned when she felt Olivia wrap her arms around her slender form and held her close, rubbing gentle circles on her back to ease some of the tension she found there.

Amanda felt a soft arm tongue brush against her lips and once again she opened her mouth for the detective. Their tongues danced around each other in heat and the emotions Olivia put into the kiss could easily be read by Amanda. It was care, kindness, comfort and so many other feelings that the blonde simply didn't have words for. It was heavenly.


	17. Chapter 17 Friends

Chapter 17

Friends?

The kiss ended and both women were quite chocked about what had just happened. Olivia knew that what she had done was wrong but the emotions were too strong, she couldn't hold back, it would've been useless. Amanda shivered in her arms, clearly stunned and nervous about the kiss too, not really making eye contact and the tension was building even more now that earlier. What had just happened, Amanda thought? Why did I do that? Im so stupid. Fuck!

She stepped out of the detective's warm embrace. "I shouldn't have done that. Im so sorry, it was not very proffesional of me, it won't happen again." She attempted to turn and walk away but was stopped by Liv's firm hand on her arm.

"Amanda, please don't apologize. It wasn't just you, it was me too and, in case you didn't notice, I wanted it to happen. I enjoyed it and I've wanted to kiss you for quite some time but I didn't feel that it was right considering the circumstances." Liv lowered her head to look into blue eyes of the shorter woman. "Please, don't run away, Amanda. It's okay to feel confused and overwhelmed over this, I understand, but please don't run away."

Amanda didn't know what to say. A part of her was relieved when Olivia admitted that she wanted the kiss to happen and the other part was scared of what would happen next. What was Olivia expecting to come out of this? Was she just looking for casual sex, friends with benefits or something more?

"What do you want from me, Olivia? Ive got nothing to offer you but trouble. I can't... I just can't... I..."

"I don't expect you to give me anything that you don't want to give. I like you, Amanda and I care for you but I can't make you feel the same way if you don't have those feelings for me. If you want we can just be friends, I'll find a way to work around my feelings and thoughts but I..."

"No..." Amanda interrupted. "I mean, I don't want to be friends." She looked at the brunette and saw disappointment written on her face and it tugged at Amanda's heart. "Sorry, that didn't come out right." She sighed, ran her fingers through her hair in frustration and continued, "What I ment to say was that I don't want to be friends with you because I don't think I can. I..." God, this was hard to get out of her chest. "I like you a lot too and I don't know where to go from here. All I know is that I like you as a friend but also more than a friend should like a friend and Im not sure how to..."

Liv stepped in. "Amanda, you're rambling, sweetie. Take a deep breath and start over." The detective had her hands wrapped around Amanda's upper arms, trying to ground her and make her feel more at ease.

The blonde did as she was told and felt her heart calm down to a, somewhat normal, beat. "Im not worth the trouble that will come of this, Olivia. I really like you, I do, but I can't expect you to..."

"Amanda, please, listen to yourself. Are you saying that nobody will ever care about you cause you're not worth the hassle? Is that how you look at things?" She just watched the blonde chew her bottom lip and turn her head slightly to the side, avoiding any eye contact. "You can't walk through life thinking like that. You deserve to be happy and if people in the past thought that you were a bother and only caused trouble, then that's their loss. Im not one of those people, Amanda and I promise you that you could never be a burden to me. You have to stop putting yourself down and cut yourself some slack. Don't be so hard on yourelf."

Amanda didn't want Olivia to see her cry, for the tenth time that day it seemed, and she quickly withdrew herself from the detective's firm grasp. "I... I just need to be on my own for awhile. I... Im sorry." and with that, Liv watched as Amanda shut the door to the guestroom to sort out her feelings and thoughts in solitude.

The rest of the evening were spent in separate rooms. Liv had tried to convince her to come out for some coffee or tea but the blonde simply said that she was tired and was going to bed. Olivia turned the tv on for some noise in th background. She found it comforting, at times, to walk around the apartment doing necessary things like cleaning, washing up, laundry and organizing while the buzzing sound from the tv streamed through the rooms.

Right now though, she was too anxious to do any house work. She kept pacing, walking from room to room trying to find things to do but didn't find the energy or the self discipline, to do so. Finally she sat down on the couch and realized how drained she felt, both physically and emotionally. She could only imagine how Amanda must be feeling after so many years of searching for her sister, doing things she probably promised herself as a young woman to never do but ended up doing anyway because the lack of choice she had been given. The detective almost jumped out of her skin when she heard Amanda's voice from behind.

"This tv show is quite good."

Liv turned and saw Amanda standing a few feet away in her own pyjamas and robe. She almost looked like a little girl going to bed, just waiting for someone to come and read her a story about princesses, castles and horses. "Hi." Liv said. "I thought you had fallen asleep."

Amanda came closer, holding her pill bottle in one hand. "No, I couldn't doze off. I just came out to get a glass of water for my meds."

Liv quickly stood up and headed to the kitchen. "Why don't you sit down and I'll get it for you." Before the blonde could protest, Olivia had already filled a glass which was greatfully accepted and emptied within seconds.

"Thank you." Amanda walked around the sofa and sat down slowly, twitching in pain as she did so. Cursing herself, Amanda knew she should've taken them earlier but with everything that happened, she simply forgot.

"Are you in a lot of pain?" Liv asked worried as she sat down close to the blonde.

"It's not too bad. It's my own fault, I should've taken them earlier. I'll be fine in a while." She turned her attention to the tv while fidgeting with the rope around her gown. "Rizzoli and Isles?" She stated. Liv just looked at her like she had grown five heads. Amanda laughed, which sounded like music in Liv's ears. "The tv show, it's called Rizzoli and Isles." She got herself more comfortable on the couch which caused her to move slightly closer to the brunette. "The dark haired one is Jane Rizzoli. She's a homicide detective, a really good one, always solving the crime within an hour." Amanda smiled as she looked up at Liv causing the brunette to break out into a beaming grin.

"Really? Only an hour? Wow, she's making me look bad." She chuckled.

"Don't sell yourself short, detective. You'll get there." Amanda joked and continued. "That's Dr Maura Isles, she's the medical examiner and also Rizzoli's best friend and together they both solve crimes just under the hour."

Liv looked amused, happy that the blonde was talking to her and even cracked a joke. For a second everything felt normal. Amanda was no longer in danger, Kim was temporarily forgotten about and everything was seemingly perfect. It only lasted a couple of seconds before the two were brought back to reality when there was a knock on rhe door. Quickly, Olivia was in full cop mode. She unholstered her gun from where it was hanging underneath her coat on the coat hanger and positioned it perfectly between both hands.

Amanda could feel her heart race. Was it just someone that Olivia knew or could it be related to Kim's case? She watched as the brunette, with caution, made it to the door and had a look through the peep hole. Seeing Olivia's relieved face she instantly felt safe again.

"Elliot, what are you doing here?" The tall woman let him in and quickly closed the door and locked it. "You could've at least given me a heads up, partner."

Elliot held his hands up in a mocking way. "Don't shoot, Liv. Im unarmed." He took a step inside and noticed the blonde sitting on the sofa, he nodded his salute "Ms Rollins."

Amanda shakily stood up and gave the male detective a slight nod back. She was on edge again. Even though she knew that Elliot was on her side she couldn't help but to feel a bit uncomfortable around men. It had always been that way ever since she was a child and she didn't tink it would ever go away.

Olivia put the gun back in it's holster an offered her partner a cup of coffee, which he declined. "Im not staying, I justvwanted to check on you, see if you were okay or needed anything? I haven't seen you in a few days so I decided to pop in on my way home. How are things going? How is Kim?"

Liv sighed and leaned up against the kitchen counter. "She's still unconscious but alive. The doctor thinks that she will wake up hopefully tomorrow or the day after. All we can do is wait but we're hopeful, it's looking good." She glanced at Amanda, giving her a reassuring smile which was returned. Elliot noticed the eye exchange and frowned.

"Liv, can I talk to you for a second? In private, please."

Olivia raised her eyebrows in confusion. "Um, sure."

Amamda got the hint and stood up. "Im just gonna, um, use the bathroom. Excuse me."

Once they were alone Elliot came closer and spoke in a low voice. "What's going on between you two?" Liv tried to look oblivious and pretend she hadn't a clue what he was talking about. "Oh, come on Liv, I saw the way you two looked at each other. What's going on?"

Olivia kept her face, not wanting to give anything away. "Can't two women just give each other a smile?"

Elliot shrugged but wasn't fooled. "I guess, but it looked like more than a smile to me." He tried to hide his smile. "Anyway, Im glad that you're both okay and it's nice to see you... " he thought about what to say for a second, "happy." He finished, reading Olivia's face like an open book.

Chuckling, Liv punched him playfully in the shoulder. "Whatever, partner. Go home to your wife and kids and don't have any dirty thoughts or dreams about me and Rollins." El laughed and shook his head before exiting, leaving Olivia with a smile on her face.

She knocked on Amanda's door. "He's gone. Can I come in?"

The door opened and the blonde revealed herself. "It's you place, you can do whatever you like."

Liv nodded. "True, but as long as you're staying here I will respect your privacy and wishes. Im not just gonna barge in on you." There was a short silence. "You coming out to finish the cop show where they solve the crime in less than an hour?" Liv smiled and winked, trying to get the blonde to come out and not just isolate herself in her room.

"Sure." She said absentmindedly.

Half way through the show Liv turned towards Amanda who was engrossed in the story line. "Is there some kind of relationship going on between the two women or is it just something they put out there for people o believe that there is? They seem very close to each other, almost like a couple."

Amanda shrugged and smiled. "I think they did it on purpose so that the viewers will think that something is going on and to make the show gay friendly. I don't know, people believe whatever they want to believe, I guess."

Liv pursed her lips and thought for a while. "And what do you think?" She finally asked.

"I think that they're just close friends. There is nothing sexual between the two what so ever but I do like the kind of relationship they have. They trust each other with their life and they are honest and protective of one another. I wish I had that."

The brunette could detect he sadness in Amanda's voice as she spoke. She wanted to give Amanda all that, the sense of security, honesty and care. Gently Olivia took a hold of a nearby hand and gave it a squeeze. "You do."


	18. Chapter 18 Thank You

Chapter 18

Thank You

The morning came quickly, too quikly for Olivia's liking. It felt like she had just closed her eyes for a second and was awaken by a noise she could not identify. Sighing, she swung her legs over the side of the bed and stretched her back and neck, hearing her bone and joints crack. "God, I'm getting old." She mumbled.

She made her way to the shower, thinking since she was already up she might as well get ready, but stopped when she again heard a noise coming from the kitchen. Was Amanda up already? It was only six am. Opening her bedroom door she spotted Amanda making herself a cup of coffee, already dressed and ready to go.

Liv walked in, wrapping her arms around herself to keep out the morning chill. "Wow, you're an early bird." she stiffled a yawn.

The blonde looked slightly uncomfortable and fidgety, grasping tightly onto the warm cup in her hands. "Um, yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to wake you I just wanted to get an early start. I'll be gone in a few." she sipped the steaming liquid, letting the caffeine take control of her body.

Liv shot Amanda a perplexed glance, eyebrows raised. "Im going with you." She stated.

Sighing, Amanda put the cup down on the kitchen counter. "Look, I can take a cab, I don't wanna bother you. Plus it's early and you need your sleep. I'll be fine."

Taking in Amanda's appearance, Liv could tell that the blonde probably hadn't slept a wink during the night. The dark circles under her eyes were prominent, the pale features and the limp and toussled hair spoke of sleep deprivation. It looked like she was about to fall over at any second.

"Amanda, Im coming with you. It's still not safe for you to go outside on your own. Heck, it's not even safe to go outside at all at the moment, but I know you want to get to your sister and I will take you there." Brown eyes watched blue ones flickering across the room, not really focusing on anything in particular. "Just give me ten minutes to shower and get dressed and then we'll go, okay?" Liv waited patiently for an answer.

"Okay." Amanda finally said, still not making eye contact.

Liv showered and got dressed in a pair of black tight jeans, a purple blouse and a black blazer to go. Eight minutes had passed when she walked back in to the kitchen area and saw that Amanda was now wearing a jacket, waiting by the door. The detective put her own coat on, zipping it up all the way to keep any cold from coming in. She grabbed her gun, keys and phone before turning to face the impatience blonde.

"Hold on." Liv said quickly, grabbed a scarf hanging from a hook on the wall and thoughtfully wrapped it around Amanda's neck. "It's cold outside. I don't want you getting sick. Come on, let's go."

The drive to the hospital was quiet. Liv had already managed to stiffle several yawns that seemed to keep on coming. She didn't want Amanda to see that she was tired and make her feel bad about it. The blonde was resting her head against the window, looking out at the snow that had fallen over night and how the streetlamps made it look like gold in certain lights.

Olivia was driving slower than usual because of the ice on the road. She wanted to get them to their destination safely and in one piece. Finally she parked and they both got out, shivering slightly as the cold air swept through.

Amanda was already half way to the entrence before Liv could lock the car. Cursing mentally she ran after, trying to catch up. "Hey, hey Amanda. Wait up." Olivia placed a hand on the blonde's arm, as she approached her side, and pulled her to a stop. She is anxious, Liv thought. Anxious and scared and there's nothing I can do about it. Her thumb was unconsciously rubbing the material of Amanda's jacket, trying to help to calm her nerves.

"Amanda, I want you to take a deep breath before we go in there. Come on, do it with me. In and out, here we go." Liv inhaled deeply and let it out slowly, making her heated breath look like smoke in the dark crispy morning. Amanda didn't follow, instead she shrugged the detective's hand away from her arm and attempted to leave. Liv was quicker and took a hold of an icy hand, forcing her to stay.

"Amamda, please. It will help you relax and feel more calm and controlled. Humour me, hon. Come on, in and out." Again she took a deep breath and was happy to see Amanda doing the same. Together they let the air out from their lungs, watching their smoky breaths mingle and rise into the icy sky. "Better?" Liv asked, smiling gently.

Amanda shrugged. She was too nervous and on edge to stop and really think about how she felt. Her sister needed her and that was all she could think of. "I guess." she lied before she turned and started walking towards where her sister was staying.

Liv just sighed, rolled her eyes and once again ran after the blonde as Amanda just rounded a corner. "At least I tried." she muttered to herself.

Kim looked exactly the same as when they had left the previous day. Nothing had changed during the night, which was also a good thing. At least she was still stable and looked comfortable enough for the moment. Liv had gone in search for some breakfast and much needed coffee when Kim's doctor entered the room.

"Ah, Ms Rollins. You're here early. I hope you got some rest for yourself." He began checking Kim's vital signs, heartbeat, blood pressure and how her pupils were responding to light.

"How is she doing?" Amanda asked after seeing the doctor scribble something down in his chart.

He placed his pen in his breast pocket and took a step closer to the standing, tired looking woman. "Well, the good news is that there's no change. The bad news is that there's also no change." He gave her a comforting smile. "However, it's still early and I'm hopefull that she'll come around. Just sit with her, hold her hand, talk to her. Some people don't think they can hear us talking to them but I believe different. I've had patients telling me that they could hear and feel every word and touch from loved ones. I do believe it makes a difference and a quicker recovery."

Amanda just nodded and watched as the doctor approach the door. "Um, doctor?"

He stopped and turned towards Amanda. "Yes? Something on your mind?" He was still smiling, which somehow, unknowingly brought comfort to the blonde.

"Um, you see my sister was diagnosed with schizophrenia when she was only thirteen and I know for a fact that she hasn't been taking her medication for the past three years. I just wanted you to know so she can get back on track with her meds when she wakes up."

The doctor nodded. "I see. Well, one step at a time. When she wakes up I'll have her sent for a full assessment so we can get the best treatment possible for her. Don't worry, Ms Rollins. She's in good hands here." He smiled and patted her on the arm before he left.

Liv was startled. She had just come back from the cafeteria with two sandwiches and two steaming coffees when she heard the doctor and Amanda talking. She hadn't ment to eavesdrop but couldn't help hearing the whole conversation about Kim's condition. She leaned heavily against the wall and sighed. Dealing with schizophrenia at such an early age must have been very diffcult. Not just for Kim but also for Amanda. She was like a mother figure for Kim and she probably felt responsible for her. Making sure she took her meds, going to doctor appointments and making sure she was doing well in school because of it.

Why didn't Amanda tell her about this? Was she ashamed of her sister's mental illness or was it Kim herself that didn't want anyone else to know and Amanda was just trying to keep her wish secret? She didn't know, it was all a big 'why'.

Liv cleared her throat loudly before entering, making her presence known. Amanda was still sitting next to the bed with Kim's hand resting in her own. "Here you go. Scrambled eggs and bacon bagel and a coffee." She handed the two items to the blonde, who reluctantly accepted them.

"Thank you." was all she said ad placed the bagel on the table next to her but holding onto the coffee, taking a large sip.

"You're suppose to eat the bagel, hon. That's what its there for." Liv watched as Amanda gave her a look of annoyance and frustration but was glad when she took a bite without any further argument.

They ate their bagel and sipped their coffee. It was not the greatest cup of coffee, considering it came from the cheap coffeemaker downstairs in the cafeteria, but it did the trick. Liv felt the caffeine slowly doing it's job and a few minutes later she felt more awake and present. She couldn't stop thinking about the conversation she heard earlier. As long as Olivia was Amanda's' bodyguard' there was no way she would be able to keep this a secret from the detective so Liv decided to gently bring it up, hoping the blonde wouldn't get mad at her for listening to their private chat.

"Um, Amanda, I heard what you and the doctor was talking about earlier." Olivia spoke soothingly to prevent any outbursts or anger from the petite woman. "I just came back from the cafeteria and I couldn't help but to hear it. I just want to say that Im sorry, for hearing something I probably wasn't suppose to hear, and I'm also sorry about what Kim and yourself must have gone through before she was diagnosed. I know mental illnesses can be hard to diagnose and hard to deal with. You're very strong, Amanda, to get where you two are today."

The brunette was expecting a hostile and defensive reply but was surprised when nothing was said. "Im here to help you, Amanda. I hope you know that? And after the... kiss we shared, I hope you realize that I'm not going anywhere."

Amanda was glad in that moment that Liv was sitting close enough for her to take her hand in a firm grip. She looked into brown eyes and saw that Olivia was sincere and truthful i what she had said. She grabbed onto the detective's hand a little bit tighter and whispered, "Thank you."


	19. Chapter 19 Too Much

Chapter 19

Too Much

Liv shifted uncomfortably in the hard plastic chair. She had had enough of hospitals to last her a lifetime at this stage but she still refused to leave Amanda sitting there alone waiting for her sister to open her eyes. Glancing over at the blonde, next to the bed, she was relieved to find her sleeping with her head resting on her sister's arm. She needed her sleep and Olivia had no intension of waking her up anytime soon. The more she rested, the better.

The detective crossed the room and stood by the large window that was facing another building, with a big green area with benches and trees, dividing the two. There was no one sitting on the benches, there were no leaves on the trees and there were no flowers in the planted flowerbeds. Everyting looked naked and cold, bare and grey, stripped and lonely. It was probably a much prettier sight in the spring and summer time when the lowers were blooming, the trees sprouting and the grass was green.

Standing by the window made Liv feel slightly chilled. Turning around she saw a spare blanked at the foot of Kim's bed and picked it up. She was just about to drape it across her shoulders when she spotted the goosebumps on Amanda's arms. The blonde was obviously cold and Olivia didn't have the heart to take the blanket all for herself.

She sat down in the chair next to Amanda's, grabbed her gently by the shoulders and brought her close into her arms. She then used the blanket to cover the two of them, feeling the warmth building between their bodies already. The sleeping blonde mumled something incoherent and turned her head into the crook of Liv's neck. The sensation of Amanda's warm breath against her sensitive skin made her shudder. It felt so good to have someone to hold and to care for. It had been so long, too long, since she had even kissed another person, so long she had almost forgot what it was like but Amanda had brought those feelings back into her life and body and she was not about to let her go without a fight.

Again, the smaller woman groaned and stirred within her embrace, making the blanket fall slightly but Olivia was quick to pick it back up and place it where it had been. Once more Amanda stirred in her sleep, clearly getting restless or stressed about something. Possibly a dream, Liv thought, looking down at a sleepy face with fair eyebrows, raised in a frown from whatever images and memories that were playing in the back of her mind.

Liv held her closer, rubbing her upper arm lightly in a soothing motion, hoping to bring the woman some peace or comfort. It worked and Amanda eventually turned her whole body towards the detective's and snuggled closer into the warm and strong body she found there.

Liv knew that in a waking state Amanda probably wouldn't have willingly shown such affections or gestures, but being asleep and not aware of her actions, she seemed more than happy to be close to Liv. The older detective enjoyed the physical closeness and thought that this was probably a rare opportunity, to have the woman she cared about tightly wrapped in her arms, without any resistance or hindrance. Amanda would probably be embarrassed waking up in this position but right now Liv didn't care. She was too tried herself to care, too tired to think or keep her eyes open. Slowly she found her body slipping into a relaxed stage where sleep finally overtook her senses.

"Kim, oh my god, Kim? Olivia, she's coming around. Kim, sweetie, can you hear me? Can you open your eyes for me?"

Liv shot up from her slumber, willing her eyes to focus and her mind to work. Amanda was nearly hysterical and repeatedly calling her sisters name. "Olivia, please, get the doctor?"

Only a minute later the detective came back into the room with the doctor in tow. Kim was struggling to open her eyes against the bright light but finally managed. Just like Amanda's, her eyes were the colour of a clear summers sky and the detective could now see how much they really resembled each other. Same eyes, same hair, same facial structure and tone. If you didn't know better, you could easily mistaken Kim as Amanda's daughter.

The doctor checked Kim's vitals with difficulty, since Amanda was crying and holding on so tightly to the girl, it made it hard for him to do his job. Liv stepped in and gently took Amanda by the shoulders and pulled her back. "Honey, let the doctor do his job, okay." she said soothingly, "you can see her in a minute."

Amanda's face was flushed, tears and mucus was smeared around her eyes and nose. Liv spotted a box of tissues, grabbed a handful and started to dab Amanda's face. "Calm down, sweetie. She's okay, she's okay."

Amanda knew that Olivia was right but all she cared about in this moment was seeing her sister, talking to her, holding her and just making sure she was okay. The doctor took his time, making sure everything looked okay, her pupil reaction, dizziness, nausea and memory. When he was satisfied with the results he left the room letting the women know he would be outside in case they needed him.

Amanda reluctantly stepped forward, almost afraid of what was going to happen next. She grabbed Kim's cold and skinny hand in hers and searched her eyes. "Hi," she said between tears, "I missed you so much." Her eyes were filling up rapidly, spilling tears down her cheeks but did nothing to try and stop them from falling. It would have been useless.

The two sisters looked at each other intensely, absorbing each others presence. Kim had a blank expression on her face and Olivia had noticed it too when the doctor was examining her only minuts ago but Amanda hadn't seemed to notice through her sobbing and hysteria. It worried Liv slightly, she had seen it before in victims. She was however put at ease when she saw Kim's eyes change into recognition. Slowly she came around, looking at Amanda like it was just all a dream and she would wake up any minute, but she didn't. She never woke up because she was already awake. Awake and alive.

"Manda?" her voice was raspy and weak but it sounded so perfectly clear and strong to Amanda who had missed hearing her sister's voice and to her it sounded like music.

Amanda broke down after hearing Kim calling her by her nickname. Only Kim called her Manda. It had stuck with Kim since she was only a toddler and too little to pronounce Amanda's full name. Manda was just easier. "Hi, baby girl." she smiled through her tears and sat down on the bed, still holding her hand. "You're safe now. Im not gonna let anyone hurt you ever again." It was a promise she intended to keep and Kim knew it by looking into her sister's eyes. Even Olivia knew she ment it by the determination and strength in her voice.

Kim closed her eyes and let her own tears fall silently down her pale features. It was tears of relief, fear, sorrow, sadness, anger and confusion. So many emotions mixed together but the most prominent was relief. She was safe and her sister was sitting next to her, touching her, talking to her, telling her that she was safe and protected from any harm.

Amanda leaned forward and gently brought her sister up into a much needed embrace. As Kim felt those familiar arms encircling her she broke. Sobs tore through her skinny frame, shaking violently. Her tears fell heavily onto Amanda's shoulder, dampening her shirt, clutching onto the material at the back.

Amanda hung on to the trembling form, rubbing soothing circles on her back and murmuring words of comfort. She never wanted to let go, never wanted to leave her out of her sight again. "Its really you." Kim cried.

Pulling back Amanda smiled through her tears. "Of course it's me, Kimster." she ruffled her sister's blonde stresses and chuckled as Kim giggled slightly at her nickname Amanda had picked for her years ago. "Everything is gonna be fine now, sweetie. Im right here and I'm not leaving you again."

Kim looked confused. "You never left me in the first place, Manda. I was... taken." The word taken was difficult to come to terms with but it was the truth and it had to be said. Kim was fighting a headache and closed her eyes to make the bright light in the room go away.

Amanda still felt guilty about her sister's abduction but pushed the thoughts away. This is about Kim, not me, she thought. Clearing her throat she gestured for Olivia to come closer. "There's someone I want you to meet. This is detective Olivia Benson, she helped me find you."

Liv placed a hand on Amanda's shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. "We couldn't have done it without Amanda's help. She had most of the leads and details we needed."

Kim's face showed confusion as she looked from Olivia and back to Amanda. "What do you mean by Amanda's help? How did you know where I was?"

Amanda shook her head and closed her eyes. "I didn't... It's... um, it's a long story. I'll tell you about it later, hon. Right now you need to get some rest. I'll be right here when you wake up, sweetie. I promise." Kim reluctantly closed her eyes and sleep quickly overtook her senses, relaxing her body fully and feeling the pain in her head slowly starting to fade.

When Kim was sinking deeper into a peaceful slumber Amanda couldn't help but to shed silent tears of despair and agony. How could everything go back to the way it was? Was that even possible? Could they move on from this? They had to, right? The blonde jerked away when she felt a hand on her lower back. Liv raised her hands in a non defensive manner. "Easy, it's just me." watching Amanda calm her nerves she, once again placed her hand where it had been only seconds ago, but this time the small woman didn't flinch or pull away. This time the touch was welcomed and needed, almost requested.

Amanda burried her face in her hands and let out a stiffled sob. "What do I do now? I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do." she repeated over and over into her now wet palms.

It broke Liv's heart to see Amanda so hurt and lost. She just wanted to scoop her up in her arms and never let anything bad happen to her again. She wanted to shield her from all the evil and bad in the world but that would be an impossible task. All she could do, at this very moment, was to offer comfort and reassurance by gestures and words. Bringing the shaking form close she placed one hand at the back of Amanda's head and brought it against her chest while the other hand rubbed up and down her quivering back continuously.

"Shhh shh, you're not alone in this, honey. Im right here to help you in any way I can, and with you by Kim's side, she will be alright. She's strong just like you and she will make it through this. I will be here whenever you need me and I promise you that things will get better." Hearing the blonde sniffle made Olivia feel the need to place a gentle kiss on the top of her head as she kept moving her hand against well toned shoulder blades.

Amanda had never been much for physical comfort or concern. It was just an awkward feeling when someone touched you out of pity and told you soothing words that never meant anything in the first place. However, when this woman, this strong, gentle, compassionate, gorgeous and loving woman held her, she couldn't help but to feel comforted in every way possible. Why does Olivia have such power over me? Why do I feel like a child breaking down in her arms after loosing my favourite toy? Why, why, why? Amanda didn't like the feelings she was having.

It was frustrating and scary for Amanda to feel so out of control that she needed to be comforted. Never in her life had she sought out physical comfort from anybody and feeling the need to do it now was too much for her to deal with.

Ashamed of her breakdown Amanda pulled away and wiped angrily at her tears fighting them as they still seeped through. Olivia sensed Amanda's distress, let go of her but kept one of her hands in her larger one, keeping the physical contact.


	20. Chapter 20 she's not crazy

Chapter 20

She's Not Crazy

"Olivia, you can go home. We'll be fine, honestly. I can see that you're tired and uncomfortable. Go home and get some proper sleep." Amanda could see and sense Olivia's restlessness and read her body language that spoke of soreness and stiffness. Olivia had gotten them a sandwich for lunch and it was now several hours since then. Kim was still asleep and the doctor said that she would probably sleep through the night.

It was dark outside and snow was falling. White fluffy flakes of frozen water gracefully covered the ground below, making everything glowing white. It was beautiful. Amanda had always liked the snow, Kim as well. As soon as the first snow of the year would fall they would run outside and make snow angels and snowmen. Snowball fights were also a favourite. Even their mother would sometimes participate if she was lucid enough to manage. Those moments were rare but it was one of the few good memories Amanda had of her mother.

She snapped out of her thoughts when Olivia placbitchand on her lower back, bringing her back to reality. "Amanda, I'm not leaving you and Kim on your own. Its not safe. Its my job to make sure you're both safe and I'm not just saying that you're just a part of an investigation, I'm here because I want to be, not just because I've been told to. Do you understand?" she ducked so she could look Amanda in the eye but the blonde was looking elsewhere.

Liv sighed and placed her hands on Amanda's stiff shoulders and gave them a reassuring squeeze. "Honey, look at me, please." when blue eyes met hers, she brushed her knuckles across her cheek. "I care about you. I care about what happens to you and if I can keep you safe then I will, okay?"

Amanda didn't have time to answer before Olivia's phone rang and she quickly fished it out of her coat pocket. "Cap, whats up?"

"Liv, good news, we got enough on these guys to put them away for a long time, the bad news is that none of the girls wants to testify. They're too scared. Elliot and Fin are trying to talk them into it but it doesn't look promising. Also, I'd like Ms Rollins to come in to identify her shooter in a line up."

Liv sighed. Glad about the good news but also frustrated with the girls not wanting to testify. She knew they were afraid to tell everyone what had happened. They were afraid for their lifes and for their families lifes. Going against their pimps and handlers was something they had been trained to not do. Breaking a bitch is what it's called. Beating and brainwashing the girls until they think that they are worthless, all alone and have nothing else to live for. Olivia had seen it so many times before and this was no different. If they don't testify some of the pimps might get out on bail or spend just a couple of years in prison. If there were more evidence of trauma and abuse by the girls telling their story then they had a better chance of sending these guys away for twenty-five to life.

"What's going on?" Amanda asked as she heard Liv sigh, thinking the worst.

"The girls are too afraid to testify which means that the perps will get away with way too little time spent in prison for my liking. Elliot and Fin are trying to change their minds about it but it doesn't look good." she rubbed her hands over her face in frustration. "Also the captain wants us to call down to the station for a line up. They might have found your shooter."

Liv watched as Amanda tensed up and walked closer to her. "I'll be right next to you the whole time, don't worry."

"Im not." Amanda said quickly, a bit too quickly, which told Liv that she was indeed worried and probably scared too to face her attacker. She decided to leave it off and not dig deeper into it.

"Okay," Liv stated, "well, we better get down to the precinct so we can get this over with."

"I'm not leaving." the blonde firmly stated, her eyes not leaving Kim for a second.

Olivia walked up next to the bed and rubbed Amanda's shoulder soothingly. "The doctor said that she will probably sleep through the night. I promie you I'll have you back here straight after you identify the guy, okay?"

Blue eyes searched brown for a moment before she finally agreed. "Fine, but we're going straight there and straight back." Liv just nodded.

"It's number four." Amanda was sure, her voice held no indication of uncertainty or doubt. Number four was the guy who shoot her in attempt to kill her.

Craigen walked up to the window where Ms Rollins were standing. "Where do you recognize him from?"

Not tearing her eyes off the evil face she was looking at, she clenched her fist and jaws. "He's the man that shot me." Tears welled up in her eyes and turned away from the detective's prying eyes in attempt to hide them. Craigen knocked four times on the glass and turned towards Liv.

"Okay, one less thing to worry about. Liv and Elliot, get her back to the hospital and come straight back here. We need you to try and talk to the girls. Maybe they'll warm up to you since you have a nack with victims. They're in protective custody so Elliot will take you to them. Go now, we're loosing time as we speak."

Olivia placed a hand on Amanda's lower back and escorted her through the door and towards the car, Elliot in tow. The drive to the hospital was uncomfortably quiet but no one said a word. All Liv wanted was to stay by Amanda's side to make sure she was okay and had everything she needed, offering her support to the blonde, but she knew the captain was right and she did have a job to do.

The brunette made sure that Amanda got to Kim's room safely. "I'll be back later tonight, okay. Try to get something to eat and get some rest. I'll see you later on."

Amanda shook her head. "You've already done enough Olivia. They got the man who shot me, I'm alright."

Without warning Olivia leaned in and gave the small woman a passionate kiss, lingering longer than she had planned and stroking one cheek with her fingertips. "I'll be back, okay." Amanda didn't have time to respond before the older woman was gone. Touching her lips, still burning from the kiss, she couldn't help but to smile.

Liv got into the black Sedan and sat down in the passanger seat. Elliot was quiet and made no attempt to start the car which made Liv turn towards him. "What?" she said.

Grinning from ear to ear, Elliot shrugged. "Your lipstick is smeared."

Rolling her eyes, Liv looked in the rear mirror and wiped away the smudge. "Just drive."

It was harder than she thought it would be, to convince the girls to testify. They were scared out of their minds to take the stand and tell the whole courtroom, the whole world, what they had been through, what they had endured. Almost two hours later they seemed to start coming around and saw the bigger picture. If they testified it was more likely that the perps would get twenty-five to life and they would no longer have to be afraid or look over their shoulders for the rest of their lifes. Things were looking up and finally they all agreed to take the stand even though they didn't want to.

The two detectives got back into the car and Elliot headed towards the hospital. "How's Amanda doing? And Kim?"

Liv sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. "Its a bit too soon to tell how Kim is doing, she didn't really say much when she woke up. Amanda is... Ha, Amanda is another story." Liv gazed out the window, watching the streetlights glowing in the dark. "I can't seem to get through to her. One moment she's starting to relax and open up a bit and the next she's shutting herself off from any type of contact and even her own emotions. Its like she's almost two different people."

Elliot could sense her frustration. "Give her time, Liv. She's been through a lot just like Kim but on a different level. She didn't know if her sister was still alive, where she was or what they were doing to her. That must have been unbearable. Its gonna take time for Amanda to start trusting people again and that goes for Kim too. Don't give up on her."

"I won't." Liv said with determination.

It was close to six o'clock in the evening when Olivia approached Kim's room and heard loud voices from behind the door. She heard Amanda's distressed tone and quickly barged in. The blonde was close to tears and she was clearly upset by Kim's doctor. Kim was surprisingly awake but drowsy. "What's going on?" Liv asked in a firm voice walking up to stand next to Amanda, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"This awful no good doctor wants to send Kim to the psych ward but I won't let him." She glared at the middle aged man and continued, "if you think for one second you're taking her to psych, you are sadly mistaken."

Liv took a deep breath and held her hands up in a non confrontational manner. "Okay, calm down, what's happening? Why is she being moved?"

"Because he thinks that she's crazy, that's why." Amanda answered before the surgeon even got a chance to open his mouth.

Liv took one of her hands in her own, feeling the tension that was there. "Calm down, Amanda, no one is saying she's crazy, okay? Just let the doctor speak, hon?" The anger was boiling and radiating from the blonde and the room suddenly became very warm. The doctor seemed a bit startled by Amanda's outburst but made an attempt to keep his proffesional stoic face.

"Im not saying she's crazy, Ms Rollins. Its just that we can keep a better eye on her there, give her a full checkup and assessment, try out new medications and find the one that works for your sister and provide the right dosage, that's all. We can't do all that here. It's for the better."

"Its fine, Manda. It doesn't matter. Its not like I haven't been in the nut house before." Kim's speach was slurred but she seemed to know what was going on around her and speak for herself.

"Kim, I'm not letting you stay in that awful place." she shouted,"I will..."

"Amanda!" Liv interrupted before she would say anything she would regret. "Calm down, shouting is not helping."

"She's right, Manda. And besides, it's not that bad. The food is decent, there'll be activities and stuff to do and I might make some new crazy friends." Kim tried to lighten the mood and calm her sister down.

Amanda inhaled deeply, rubbing her fingertips over her temples, grimacing from the dull ache in her shoulder and chest. Liv felt sorry for the blonde for having to go through all this just after Kim has been found. It wasn't fair and it wasn't easy for any of them. Brown eyes met blue and time seemed to stand still for Amanda. Something in Olivia's eyes told her that things will be okay and they would work themselves out for the better. Finally, after a minute or two she agreed.

"Fine," she said and turned to the doctor, "but if she doesn't like it or not being treated right, I'm taking her out of there."


	21. Chapter 21 Conflict

Chapter 21

Conflict

After agreeing to place Kim in the psych ward, Amanda felt horrible. She felt like it was her fault that she was there and that she couldn't protect her if she wasn't by her side. Olivia assured the blonde that she would be looked after and had even made a phone call to a friend, Dr Hendrix, that was a psychiatrist working with children and teens, at the very same hospital, to keep an extra eye on Kim. Amanda was greatful for that.

The visiting hours were now changed to only Wednesday and Sundays for two hours and Amanda almost had a heart attack when she found out. Liv had to step in again, trying to make Amanda understand that she would get the best treatment and the best doctors to get her back on her feet. The limited visiting hours were obviously a part of that treatment.

Kim would be moved first thing in the morning and since tomorrow was saturday, she wouldn't be able to see her until then. "I'll be fine, Manda. Don't worry so much. I know I'll see you first thing Sunday morning. You'll probably bring bolt cutters with you in case you wouldn't be able to get in."

"Damn right." Amanda said dead serious, knowing that her sister was joking and was trying to lighten the mood.

Liv chuckled slightly at the mental image she had of Amanda threatening to cut her way in, mercilessly. "If she doesn't bring the bolt cutters, I will. I'll even bring my gun."

Kim giggled. "That sounds reasonable, right Manda?"

The blonde was silent as she let her gaze wander to the older woman, standing only a few feet away. She couldn't understand sometimes, why Olivia cared so much. Was she just a sucker for distraught women or was it a genuine thing for her, a nurturing act, a helping hand or a motherly instinct? Would she act like this to every rape victim she spoke to or was Amanda special? She couldn't figure it out and she was afraid to know the truth behind it. Finally she snapped out of her thoughts, still looking Liv in the eye. "Right." she mumbled.

Amanda insisted on staying the night and it took Kim almost twenty minutes to talk her out of it. After saying their goodbyes and promising to see each other on sunday, the two women left the hospital. The car journey was once again quiet but it didn't seem to bother any of them. They were both lost in their own thoughts and feelings. Amanda didn't even notice that they were heading towards Olivia's place until she pulled up on the driveway.

Amanda looked confused. "Why am I here? I mean, I'm safe right? The shooter is caught and you don't have to babysit me anymore."

Liv sighed, trying to compose herself. Why was this woman so hard to break through to? Why couldn't she at least try to trust somebody and just let go for a little while? Try to ease her worries and see that life is not all that bad after all. "First of all, I'm not babysitting you, second, your here because I want you to be here and third, you might be safe but I don't want to take any chances."

The blonde just silently groaned and rolled her eyes. The detective's trained eye caught the movement, placed a hand on Amanda's forearm to get her attention. "Amanda, please, can't you see that I care about you? I don't want anything bad happen to you, or Kim, do you understand? I just want to make sure that you're okay and that you're safe. Please let me do that. It means a lot to me if you would stay at my place for a while longer. If not for you then do it for me, please?"

Amanda didn't know what to say or do. She was at conflict with herself, not knowing if staying with Olivia would be a good thing or not. It was an uncomfortable situation for her, and when scenarios like these appears she would usually run or try her hardest to avoid them at any cost. Her heart was beating fast, her hands were balled up into tight fists, letting her nails almost cut through the skin, and her breathing became shallow.

The brunette took a clenched hand and tried to, gently, pry her fingers open. "Amanda, relax your hands and fingers for me, please. You're gonna hurt yourself, honey. Please, look at me, Amanda! Please, just turn your head and look at me."

Olivia waited patiently for blue eyes to connect with hers, and when they did, they were filled with uncertainty, fear, doubt and tears. Liv felt her chest ache and tighten from the sight and the need to wrap the distraight woman into her arms became almost desperate. Knowing that it would probably cause more harm than good, she had to restrain herself from doing so.

Swiftly, she got out of the car, walked around to the passenger side and opened the door. Amanda still hadn't moved or made any sound. Crouching down to the blonde's level she gently coaxed her to stand up. "Come on, sweets. Just give me your hand and I'll help you inside."

Slowly, Amanda reached an arm out and turned to face Olivia, her face blank from any emotions this time. Liv quickly grabbed a hold of it and pulled her up into a standing position. "That's good, hon. Come on, just lean on me if you have to, it's okay."

When they were finally insde the warm and cozy house, Liv started to make them some tea while Amanda sat on the couch staring into space. The taller woman didn't know what exactly had happen for Amanda to react this way but se sensed that it was fear and dread, but of what, she didn't know.

"Here, have some tea, it will warm up your bones and make you feel better. Do you need any pain killers? Are you in pain now?"

Liv waited for an answer and finally Amanda seemed to snap out of her haze. "Um, no. No pain. Well, not more than I can handle." She took a sip of the hot liquid and tasted the variety of infused herbs, feeling it trickle down her throat and settle in her stomach, warming up her inides.

Liv fowned. "Do you want me to get them for you? Where are they?" brown eyes searched around the room in hope to find the bottle of pills.

"I'm fine, really. They make me sleepy anyways and I don't feel like slee... um, going to bed yet." she was looking down at the steaming beverage, fixing her eyes on the bottom of the cup, wishing she was somehere else. Somewhere she could be alone.

"Okay, just let me know if the pain gets too bad." Amanda just gave her a weak smile as an answer, hoping Liv would let it go and leave it alone. Olivia turned the tv on and another episode of Rizzoli and Isles was playing. She left it on, knowing that Amanda seemed to like this show.

They watched it in silence except for an occasional chuckle from Liv due to Jane Rizzoli's sarcastic humor. She found herself enjoying the series as well and decided to pick the option of recording every episode. When the episode was finished, Amanda stood up and announced that she was putting her pjs on. Liv saw the pained expression on her face as she had left the couch but didn't get a chance to say something before the blonde was already gone.

Liv got changed too and found Amanda's tablets on the kitchen counter. She poured two into her hand, filled a glass of water, placed them on the sitting room table and sat down, waiting for the blonde to appear.

Two minutes later Amanda walked in with a pair of boys flannel pants and a light blue t-shirt that matched her eye colour. Liv smiled as she approached the sofa, gesturing her to once again sit down. The blue eyes immediately noticed the glass and the tablets and felt her body tense up, looking at the two items like they were the pawn of satan himself. "What's this?" Amanda asked, pointing at the table. "I told you I was fine."

Liv could easily detect anger and annoyance in her voice but she remained calm and collected. "Yes, 'was fine'. Not anymore. I can see you're in pain. Why won't you take the pills? They're there to help you get through it."

Amanda ran her fingers through her hair, and once again, her breathing became shallow and slightly laboured. "Why can't you just leave it alone and accept that I don't want to take them? Please, just... don't do this."

Liv stood up and walked closer to the blonde. "Do what? Why is it so difficult for you to accept help when it's being given? I just want to help you and I don't like, or want, to see you in pain."

Amanda snorted. "You can help me by leaving me alone. I don't need them." she turned around, walked into the guestroom and shut the door with a loud bang.

God, it's like dealing with a teenager, Liv thought. She decided to leave the glass and the tablets on the table, in case Amanda would need them later, and headed into her own room to relax with a book she had started reading a couple of months ago. Free time did not come very often due to work so this was a rare occurrence. She kicked her slippers off, stretched out in her large king size bed and immersed herself in the characters and storyline. About an hour later she found it almost impossible to keep her eyes open and drifted off into a deep sleep.

"NO!"

The piercing sound made the detective fly out of bed, gun in hand, prepared for the worst. She had been in such a deep slumber and she was slightly disoriented and unfamiliar with her surroundings. Then she realized that she was in her own home, in her own room and holding a gun. She waited for something to happen, anything at all. Then, another scream filled the house and she knew it came from Amanda.

Quickly, she ran towards the noise and flung the door open, gun still in her hand. Amanda was sitting up in bed clutching at her chest, trying to control her breathing with a sheen of sweat covering her face. She had obviously just woken up from a nightmare and was now dealing with the aftermath. Liv lowered her weapon and cautiously made her way to the side of the bed. "Amanda, honey, you okay? What happened, sweetie?" she spoke soothingly, not wanting to upset the woman further.

Amanda struggled to speak, "I'm... I'm fine," she stuttered, "just a b... bad dream. I'm okay, go ba... back to bed."

Liv was clearly not convinced. "Honey, you're in pain and you're hyperventilating. You're not okay." she sat down on the bed, making sure there was no physical contact. "Did you take your medication?" Liv saw Amanda shake her head. "I'll get it. I'll be right back." the blonde was too upset to argue and soon she was looking at Olivia's outstretched hand that contained two small ivory white tablets. She knew it would be worthless to argue against it so she had no choice but to swallow them.

Liv took the glass and placed it on the nightstand. "You wanna tell me what happened?" she soothingly brushed a few damp tresses away fom a clamy forehead and was relieved when Amanda did not pull away from the contact. "Was it the same dream as last time?" Amanda nodded. "Was it about your father?"

The word 'father' seemed to have a negative response from Amanda, as she instantly curled up tighter into herself, letting out a small whimper. Liv didn't know what Amanda had been through or what her father had done to her to make her react the way she did, but she knew it must have been something really bad and horrific. Something a child shouldn't have to experience or witness. Ever.

The usually confident detective was lost for words and actions. When Amanda unwillingly let out another tiny whimper, Olivia tenderly took her hands and gave them a tug. "Come with me." she simply said. Amanda's teary eyes looked confused but found herself being pulled to her feet by the strong detective. The blonde got agitated when she noticed that she was being escorted into Olivia's bedroom and she started to pull away.

"It's okay. Just relax, sweetie. Im gonna ask you to trust me on this." Olivia pulled the covers back and helped the younger woman to lay down. She then got in on Amanda's left side and covered them both with the warm fluffy duvet.


	22. Chapter 22 never let you go

Chapter 22

Never Let You Go

Olivia could hear the uneven breaths coming from her right. They had been in bed for about two minutes and Amanda hadn't moved, not even an inch. The distress was evident and made the room feel smaller and the air heavy. Liv could see that blue eyes were still open and staring up at the ceiling at nothing in particular. "You wanna tell me about the dream?" her voice was low and soft, not wanting to scare her by making any loud noises. Amanda shook her head fiercely and her breathing instantly became more laboured and raspy.

Olivia turned her head to look at the blonde and saw silent tears dripping down her cheeks and onto the pillow. The detective had to swallow her own tears as she scooted closer to Amanda. Her body shook with emotions that she wouldn't allow to let out or show to anybody, not even herself. "Tell me, Amanda. Tell me what your father did to you?"

Amanda whimpered loudly and shook her head. Again her fists were curled up, the nails making indentations in her palms, her jaw and mouth was clenched so tightly that Olivia thought she might break some of her teeth is she didn't stop. Gently, the brunette placed her own palm on Amanda's heaving chest, being careful to not touch her injury. "Shh, it's okay, Amanda. You're okay." she propped herself up on one elbow and used the other hand to wipe at the steady stream of tears. "Shh, just try to slow down your breathing, sweetie and you'll feel better, I promise. Just breath slowly and try to relax. Im right here with you."

Amanda was far away and could barely hear Olivia's voice as she spoke soothingly to her. She was trapped in a dark tunnel and there was no way out, just darkness that seemed to close in and devour her petite frame any second. Her chest was aching badly, her throat was closing up and her eyes were stinging with tears she tried so hard not to shed. She had been here before, many times, but this was different. Usually she would be able to snap herself out of it, distract herself from feeling this way or try to accept her feelings and emotions and just carry on from there.

None of that was working now. The tunnel had taken her too far in it's grasp and, no matter how hard she tried to pull free, the darkness seemed to clasp onto her tighter. There was no way out and when she heard Olivia's gentle faded voice, telling her that she was right there with her, she broke. The dam burst, the floodgates had opened up and she was on the road of no return. Her lungs were screaming for air, her head pounding from the lack of it and her heart was hammering wildly.

Opening her mouth, she managed to draw a deep breath with great difficulty. Afraid of what might happen if she let it out, she simply held it in. She was embarrassed and ashamed for having Olivia see her like this and she did everything she possibly could to not break down fully in front of this woman. Her pride was sadly crushed when she could no longer hold her breath and came crashing down completely undone.

Olivia was quick to act and turned Amanda over to her side facing away from her, so she could keep some of her dignity. She knew it would be easier for the blonde to breath that way. As Amanda let out a stiffled sob, Olivia scooted closer, pressing her body lightly up against Amanda's back, trying to ground her with some kind of physical contact. She couldn't just lay there and do nothing. It was not in Olivia's nature to stand back and watch other people struggle, especially not Amanda.

"You're okay, sweetie. Just let go, I'm right here." the detective was now fighting her own tears as she rubbed soothing circles over Amanda's quivering back. She could feel the heat radiating from the shaking form through the thick cover and gently pulled it down for some much needed air. The blonde sweat soaked bangs were clinging to Amanda's flushed forehead. The brunette carefully brushed them away, pursed her lips and blew out some cool air on her tear stained face to ease some of her distress. She repeated the gesture a few times, making sure that Amanda was not too hot.

"Don't be afraid to let go, sweetie. I'm right here, I've got you." Liv soothed while she continuously offered gentle touches and reassurance. Amanda just cried. She had no strengths left to fight and had no choice but to let go. Her pride, her dignity and confidence went straight out the window and what had been done, had been done, and there was no taking it back.

Minutes passed by, sobs turned to sniffles and erratic breathing became somewhat normal. Amanda felt so tired, so drained, so exhausted. Her body felt like led and her limbs were heavy and lifeless but her mind was clear and focused. She brought her legs up as far as she could and curled into herself, her skin beginning to feel cold.

The older woman replaced the covers over both of them and ran her fingers through damp blonde locks. "Hey, honey. How are you feeling?" she kept her voice low.

Amanda shrugged her shoulders, not knowing what to say. She didn't even know herself how she felt and for the moment she didn't care. "That's okay." Liv whispered. Another few minutes passed before the detective spoke up again, "Do you think you can tell me why you had such a reaction? Do you know what caused it?"

The blonde swallowed heavily. "I don't want to talk about my dad." she managed to say in a raspy thick voice. "I just don't want to talk about it. It's too... too hard. I just can't."

Liv hated to see Amanda so upset but still decided to push a bit further. "Why not? What did he do to you? Did he hurt you?" Amanda just curled up under the covers, whimpering slightly. "He hurt you, didn't he?" Liv prodded. Amanda finally nodded. Olivia hated herself for having to ask the next question but she had to know. "Did he sexually abuse you, Amanda?"

She regretted it as soon as she had said it. Amanda tensed up, covered her ears with her hands and started to rock her body from side to side. Liv wasn't giving up. She knew the answer already but needed to hear it from the blonde herself. "Did he molest you?"

The small frame continued the rocking motion, not wanting to answer the inevitable question. Admitting it, saying yes, would make the abuse become real and she didn't want that, she wouldn't know how to handle it or how to deal with it. Olivia was just as stubborn. They had gotten this far and all the brunette needed and wanted to hear was a 'yes'. "Amanda, did your father molest you?"

The word 'molest' burnt her ears, almost hurting them physically. It was a nasty word, filthy, disgusting and simply horrible. A word that should not exist, not escape anybody's lips or meddle around in anybody's brain, not even for a second. It should be forbidden.

As Olivia continued to push for an answer, Amanda broke for the second time. "YES!" she shouted, "Okay? Is that what you want to hear? Then yes, he did. He... he... touched me and... and did things that I didn't want him to do. You happy now?"

Liv sighed in relief. Finally, after hearing Amanda saying 'yes' the brunette wrapped her arms around the blonde and held her close. "It wasn't your faul, you know that, right?" There was no response. Liv tried again, "Its important that you know that. It wasn't your fault."

Amanda shifted in Liv's arms and turned to face the detective. "Then why didn't I stop him? Why didn't I tell someone about it? Why was I so stupid?" her anger was evident.

"You were only a child, Amanda. He was much bigger and stronger than you." Liv pleaded. "You were only a child, sweetie."

Blue eyes closed. "I still could've told somebody about what he was doing, but I didn't... I didn't." she shook her head in disbelief and confusion, mentally questioning herself why she hadn't come forward so many years ago. Why hadn't she told somebody? Why?

The brunette wiped away an errant tear that lingered on a well structured cheekbone. "Because you were scared, honey. You were only a child and you were afraid of what would happen or what he might have done if he found out. Do not blame yourself for his horrible actions. He's the bad guy here, not you. Never you."

Olivia was pleasantly surprised when Amanda moved closer to her and placed her forehead on the detective's warm and soft chest. "I wish I could see it that way." she mumbled.

Brushing back a few unruly tresses, Olivia placed several gentle kisses on Amanda's temple and gave her a reassuring squeeze. "You will. Believe me, one day you will. I'll make sure of it."

Amanda slowly drifted off to sleep, her head still burrowed in the brunette's steadily beating chest, her own arms clinging onto the strong detective, even in her sleep. A handfull of Olivia's top clenched tightly in her hand, holding on for dear life.

Olivia knew then that she would never let this woman go.


	23. Chapter 23 too late

Chapter 23

Too Late

It was still dark when Olivia woke. The sound of her phone had interrupted her sleep by the vibrating noise against the hard wooden surface of the nightstand. She answered it quickly, seeing that it was her partner, so the sleeping blonde next to her wouldn't be disturbed.

"Elliot, what's up?" she said in a low and husky voice, slightly louder than a whisper.

"Liv..." he paused. "Why are you whispering?"

Rolling her eyes she swung her legs over the side of the bed, looking over at Amanda who began to stir. "Never mind. What's up?"

"We got a case. Meet me at mercy in half an hour?"

Liv rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and stood up. "Um, yeah sure." she looked around the room for some clothes. "Is this related to out current case?" she found a pair of black trousers, a blouse and jacket to go over it.

"No, it's not. This is a five year old girl, found beaten and raped in an alley. Don't have a name yet."

Olivia's heart sank. These cases were always the hardest, not just for her personally but for the entire squad. She sighed and entered the bathroom. "Okay, I'll see you in thirty."

After finishing up in the bathroom she quickly got dressed and sat down next to Amanda. She took a minute to just let her eyes roam the pale features of the sleeping woman, that now looked peacefull and relaxed. She couldn't fight the urge to run her fingers down over a soft cheek. "Amanda?" she whispered gently, the blonde shifter slightly and let out a moan. "Shh, Amanda, it's just me. I've got a case and have to go to the hospital. Will you be okay here on your own?"

Blue eyes full of sleep popped open and met brown. The room was dark but she could make out that Liv was fully dressed and her tanned face hovering obove her, looking so beautiful even after only a few hours sleep. The sensation of Liv brushing her fingers over her cheek made her skin burn with desire and need. Ashamed of her thoughts, she quickly got her mind out of the gutter. "Um, yeah sure... I mean, of course, I'll be fine." she stated, feeling a bit apprehensive and wary, cursing herself for being so weak and pathetic.

Olivia didn't look convinced but had no other choice but to leave. Amanda was a grown woman after all and did not need supervision at all times. "Okay, you have all my numbers in case you need anything. I don't know what time I'll be back. Just make yourself at home, okay. Feel free to do and eat anything you want, I don't mind." The brunette made sure the covers were tightly wrapped around Amanda before she left.

Laying all alone in the king sized bed made her feel cold and somewhat lonely. Her mind went back to only a few hours ago and anger suddenly kicked in. She felt pathetic, vulnerable, disgusted and uncomfortable in herself. Her skin crawling and chest tightening at the thought of Olivia seeing her so weak and broken. But it was done now. She had seen it all and there was no way she could turn back the time and do things differently. She hated herself. She hated how she felt, how she had reacted earlier and hated what she had become.

Glancing over at the digital clock it showed 04.37. There was no way Amanda would be able to go back to sleep, she was way too worked up and anxious to relax. She got up, took care of her screaming bladder and put on the NYPD hoodie, that smelled like Olivia, and started her day by keeping herself busy with some very much needed deep cleaning.

Liv walked up to Elliot who was pacing back and forth in the waiting area. He looked tired, she thought, but then it was still very early in the morning. "Hi El, sorry I'm a few minutes late. What have we got? How is she?"

"She's in surgery." Elliot simply stated. "It doesn't look good, Liv." He's eyes were sad and dull. Having four children of his own cases like these were extremely hard on him, more so than any other one in the squad.

Taking a deep breath Liv shoved her hands into the pockets of her coat. "How long has she been in surgery?"

Her partner was just about to answer when the surgeon who had been working on the girl came through the doors. He walked straight up to the detectives, his face looking grim. "Detectives," he greeted them both woth a nod, "she's out of surgery. She had multiple lacerations to her body, bruising, burns and minor cuts. She also has extensive vaginal and anal tearing, some of her internal organs shut down during surgery but we managed to bring her back. Her condition is very serious. There's not much more we can do except wait. Her body is so small for such extensive blows and trauma, I don't know if she will make it. Im sorry."

Elliot clenched his jaw, trying to compose himself, when all he wanted to do was to find the bastard who did this and rip his balls off and shove them up his ass. Liv closed her eyes and sighed sadly. She knew all too well that this was not going to end good. "Have you got a name? Where's her parents? Did you contact them?"

The doctor shook his head. "We don't know. Could be a missing child. Nobody has rang and asked for her."

"Is she awake?" Elliot had now calmed down some but Olivia knew her partner and she also knew that, if he was left alone with the man who did this, he would give him such a beating that nobody would be able to identify him when he was finished.

"The anesthetic should wear off in about an hour or so. I'd suggest that only one of you go inside. She's been through a lot. I'll let you know if somebody asks for her and, if not, then it's in your hand to find out who she is."

Liv thanked him and turned to Elliot. "I know what you're thinking and what you're feeling. Why don't you go home and be with your kids. I'll stay." He shook his head and clenched his fists. "Go home. I'll tell the captain, he'll understand. Go." She literally had to push him towards the exit door and did not turn around until she knew he was gone. Sighing, she prepared herself mentally to go into the little girl's room, to sit by her side until she woke up. If she woke up.

Her tears were hard to control when she saw the girl connected to various wires, tubes and machines. Her little body was black and blue, dried blood in her light brown hair, making it stick together in clumps and large bruises, shaped like handprints, wrapped around her neck. Olivia didn't understand who could possibly do this to another human being, especially an innocent little girl who has her whole life ahead of her and barely old enough to have a bad thought.

Feeling a headache forming, she rubbed her temples as she sat down close to the big bed and just waited. She watched the tiny chest and stomach rise and fall with the help of the machine and how the beeping of the heart monitor kept up a steady pace. That's a good sign, she thought. A steady heart rate was good and there was a bigger chance of survival. Her eyes began to droop and within minutes she was asleep.

A noise woke her up. A strange raspy, kind of gurgling sound, that she could not identify. Opening her eyes it took her a few seconds before she became familiar with her surroundings. She then quickly turned her attention to where the girl was laying. To her surprise she found two large shining brown eyes looking back at her. Olivia gave her a warm smile, gently placed a warm hand on her small arm and rubbed her thumb across smooth skin.

"Hi sweetie. I know you're scared but you don't have to be, okay. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. My name is Olivia and I'm a police officer. Im here to help so I can put the person who did this to you in prison and he won't be able to hurt anybody else, honey." The raspy gurgling sound came back and she realized that the girl was trying to tell her something.

"It's okay, baby. You can't talk right now because of the tube in your mouth, it's only temporary, the doctors will take it out when you're feeling better, okay." The girl just looked at her with tired and lifeless eyes full of pain and sadness. All she wanted was to scoop the frail body into her arms and just hold her until she was fully healed. "It's gonna be okay, sweetie." she soothed, "You're gonna be okay."

A small shaky hand struggled to reach out and Olivia met her half way. Taking the cold tiny hand in hers, she scooted a bit closer to offer some kind of comfort. The brown eyes locked themselves with hers and so much was said in that moment, even though no words were spoken. Liv held onto the petite hand, tracing lacy patterns on bruised but soft skin as the little girl kept looking at her intensely. The brunette offered her a comforting smile and, as she did so, beeping noises echoes through the room and the little chest and the tiny stomach, that was moving up and down only seconds before, were now completely still.

Everything just stopped for a second. Even the detective's heart must have stopped because she could feel her blood going cold and her chest ache. What was happening? Before she knew it doctors and nurses ran up to the bed, pushing Olivia aside. The surgeon, that she had spoken to earlier appeared in front of her. "What happened?" he asked, expecting Liv to know the answer, when all the detective could do was to try and get her own breathing and heart rate back to normal. "I... I..." she stuttered, "I don't... I don't know. She... She came to and she looked at me and she... she just... she... I..."

A nurse gently escorted Olivia out of the room and closed the door and the blinds. Leaning up against the wall, with her hands on her knees, she tried to calm herself down. She didn't know how long she stood there for. It could have been an hour or it could've been just a few minuts, she didn't know. The door finally opened and the nurses and doctors, that previously had come running through the door, now slowly walked back out with empty faces and slumped postures.

Liv watched as every single one passed her until she was eventually faced with the surgeon once again. He didn't have to say anything. His blank eyes told her all she needed to hear. Placing a hand on the detective's upper arm, he gave it a squeeze before walking away.

She was left standing alone outside the little girl's room. The little girl who had been alive only minutes ago but was now dead. Dead, cold, lifeless, still, deceased, gone. So many words that had the same meaning, the same concept and the same reason behind it. This was not fair.

She knew she had to go to the station and start the papeworks. She also had to brief the captain and Elliot about the girl's death but somehow she couldn't find the energy to do so. Instead she found herself walking towards her car, deciding to go home, get a few hours of sleep if she could and then take the bull by it's horns. She just needed some time to collect herself, her thoughts and her emotions.

While she drove all she could see in front of her was two teary brown eyes looking back at her, pleading and asking her for help. Help that had arrived too late.


	24. Chapter 24 two in a bed

Chapter 24

Two In A Bed

Her legs felt heavy as she climbed the stairs up to her front door. The sun was now peeking through grey clouds and more snow had started to fall. She took a deep breath before she put the key in the lock and silently made her way inside. She had almost forgot that Amanda was staying at hers until she saw the blonde folding the kitchen towel and placed it neatly on the counter.

The radio was on so Amanda did not hear the detective unlock the door. She got a freight when she spotted the brunette hanging up her coat and dusted a few snowflakes out of her hair. "Jesus, you scared the living crap out of me." She placed a hand over her beating heart.

"Sorry." Liv simply said.

Amanda suddenly got uncomfortable. Maybe Olivia didn't like the fact that she had cleaned the entire house to keep her mind busy. "Um, I didn't want to feel useless or lacy so I cleaned. I hope you don't mind?" she mad a brief pause before quickly adding, "Not that is was dirty or anything. Im not saying that it was, I just... You know, I just wanted to um,... to..."

"It's fine, Amanda. I don't mind. I told you to make yourself at home." Liv smiled tiredly, trying to put Amanda's mind at ease as she made her way into the sittingroom and crashed down into the sofa.

The blonde sensed something was wrong and didn't know what to do. Situations like these always put her in an uncomfortable spot and she was never any good at handling awkward silences or knowing what to say when someone was acting wierd or being upset. This was one of those moments. Amanda followed the detective unsure if she should sit down next to her, or in the armchair or not sit down at all. Eventually she decided to sit down on the sofa but keeping a comfortable distance between them. After all, Olivia had done so much for her already and felt like she had to sit down and try to figure out what was wrong.

"You okay? You seem a bit... I don't know, sad?" she waited for the brunette to reply but when she didn't get one, she continued, "Is it the case? What happened at the hospital?"

Liv just sighed and hid her face in her hands, trying to hold it together. "A five year old girl was beaten and raped. No name, no parents... nothing." the tears were building up as she thought back on those brown pleading eyes that she couldn't seem to get rid of.

Amanda swallowed and wished she were somewhere else, in another time, another place. She knew Olivia was upset and that it must have been awful to see such a small child suffer from such horrific injuries. "Will she be okay?" she finally asked.

Amanda watched as the detective's strong broad shoulders started to shake as stiffled sobs could be heard through the room. Instead of pulling back and hide from the situation, Amanda found herself moving closer to the weeping woman to offer some kind of comfort.

Liv struggled to speak, "She... she di... she didn't m... make it." her body shook with grief and emotions that were too strong to try and suppress.

Amanda was at a loss and berating herself for being such a coward. Olivia always seemed so strong. She hadn't known the detective that long but she always came across as very independent, strong willed and quite stoic. Thinking of others before herself and would go that extra mile for people she didn't even know. Now she seemed like the complete opposite to that and it scared Amanda slightly.

Pushing her own feelings aside, the blonde draped an arm over Olivia's quivering shoulders and brought her close. Amanda shifted to get more comfortable, pulling her legs up, and pulled Olivia in tighter. No words were spoken, the silence spoke for itself and that was enough for the two women at the moment. Just the sobbing and the occasional sniffle came from the distraught brunette.

Olivia rested her head on Amanda's left shoulder, wiping at her tears with her hand and tried to contain her breathing. A few minutes passed Olivia spoke up but made no attempt to move from her position. "Im sorry." she simply said in a shaky voice.

Pulling Olivia a bit closer, and before she could stop herself, the blonde reached out and grabbed a strong but elegant hand in hers. "It's okay. Don't worry about it." she said softly, starting to enjoy the closeness and warmth from the older woman. "A woman once said to me that it's okay to cry."

Amanda tried to lighten the mood a bit and was satisfied when she heard a giggle. "She sounds like a very wise woman. I should listen to her." Liv joked through her tears, knowing that she was the one who told Amanda this only a couple of days ago.

The blonde was quick to catch a lone tear slowly making it's way down a tanned cheek. "I think you should. She also told me that talking about things is a good way of dealing and processing what you've been through." Amanda felt like it was her turn to be the strong one, to help Olivia when she needed her and to be there and listen to her like she had done to her.

Chuckling Liv brought her legs up on the couch to get more comfortable but kept her head where it was. "Wow, that is very wisely said. She should start charging people for giving them such great advice."

Now it was Amanda's turn to laugh and goosebumps suddenly covered her body as she felt Olivia burry her face in the crook of her neck. About a minute passed before the detective told Amanda the whole story. The battered tiny body in the big bed, the smallest little hand reaching out for her and the pleading dark brown eyes that stared at her so intensely. Olivia cried for a second time that morning and Amanda was lost for words. Hearing about the little girl and what she must have been through, the pain, the horror and the trauma, created tears in Amanda's eyes as well but she quickly blinked them away.

As she felt Olivia's body shake, she placed a kiss on the top of her head and began massaging her scalp with her fingernails, hoping it provided some sort of peace. "Shh, I got you. You're okay." Amanda soothed, surprised at her own words. "Come on, why don't you get some more sleep. I'll bring you some tea."

Without any argument, the brunette dragged herself into her bedroom, got changed and back into bed. It was almost seven in the morning and she was planning to be at the precinct at twelve. That would give her a few hours of sleep, a shower and an early lunch. She leaned back against the headbord and closed her eyes but snapped them back open again after seeing the little girls face once more.

Amanda came through the door with two cups of steaming hot chamomile tea and a hot water bottle under her arm. "Here you go." after handing Olivia her tea she sat down next to her and placed the hot bottle under the duvet by the brunette's feet. "Okay?" she asked.

Liv smiled and grabbed one of Amanda's hands in hers and held it tight. "Thank you." Tears started to once again escape her tired eyes. "Sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me." She apologized. "I don't know why this is affecting me so much." sipping her hot beverage, she felt the warmth spreading across her feet and travelled up her lower body.

The blonde looked down at their joint hands and shrugged. "It's okay. You don't have to apologize. It's... different... more horrific and hard to understand when things like this happens to children. I understand."

Olivia knew that she was thinking about Kim and what had happened to her. She lifted her arm and held it out as an invitation for Amanda to join her. "Come on, get in. You look tired too."

Hesitantly, she got in beside the detective and placed her cup on the nightstand. She kept a few inches between them, not wanting to make Olivia uncomfortable, even though she knew she wouldn't be. "Closer." Olivia pleaded. Amanda held her breath as she scooted closer but relaxed slightly when a strong arm found it's way around her shoulders and pulled her close.

The older woman sighed with content when she could smell Amanda's scent and feel the softness of her skin. She could also feel the tension that was slowly building in the petite frame and simply held her closer, sad that Amanda reacted this way from physical contact but also glad that she trusted Liv enough to hold her.

When she felt the blonde relax a bit more she placed a hand on her cheek, guided her face towards hers and made eye contact. Amanda didn't pull away but Olivia could see the fear and uncertainty in them and softly stroked her cheek with her thumb. Her eyes travelled down to a pair of pink plump lips. Slowly she leaned closer, giving Amanda a chance to pull back if she so wanted, and tenderly kissed her.

Amanda felt her whole body go ridgid but at the same time didn't want Olivia to stop. She wanted this so why couldn't she just relax and be normal about it? A normal person would lean into the kiss, deepen it or even initiate more. Why was it so difficult for her to do that? Why couldn't she be one of those normal people?

Liv sensed Amanda's distress and tenderly continued brushing her thumb across her cheek as they brought their lips together for more. Olivia felt like she was on fire. Kissing Amanda gave her butterflies in her stomach, goosebumps covered her skin and clouded her head to a point where everything else disappeared and nothing else mattered. As she continued the kiss the blonde she brought her own body closer and applied more pressure into it. She opened her mouth and let her tongue trace Amanda's lower lip before gently sucking it in, giving it a tug.

The young blonde gasped at the contact and instantly felt wetness starting to build up between her legs. The sensation was so intense, so strong and powerful that Amanda couldn't find the energy or will to pull away. No matter how much her mind was screaming at her, telling her that this was a bad idea, she still couldn't fight it. She opened her own mouth and immediately felt Olivia's tongue against hers.

That did it for Amanda. Still locked in a passionate kiss, she swiftly got on top of Olivia and instantly started to tug at her top. A second later it was on the floor and the blonde was faced with two perfectly shaped breasts covered by a black laze bra. She took in the sight before her and felt her breathing become heavy and laboured. She wasted no time and roughly kissed her way down from the detective's sensitive earlobe, down her neck, across her collarbone until she reached the valley between her breasts.

She kissed around the area while her hands hungrily fondled the mounds hearing Olivia gasp and arch her back for more pressure. Reaching around the detective's back, skilled fingers unhooked the material, letting the straps fall down her toned shoulders and without hesitation threw it across the room. Two perfectly hard nipples were staring at her and she immediately took one into her mouth and sucked hard while her other hand gave the other breast some much needed attention. She let the nipple go with a loud pop and swapped around to the other one, repeating the action there.

"Fuck." Olivia gasped as she felt Amanda graze her teeth over her sensitive flesh. Never had she been so turned on before. She was literally on fire and only Amanda knew how to extinguish it. The blonde moved up, again connecting their lips together in a rough wet kiss. They were both panting from arousal, breaths ragged and filled with need and want and the air was thick from their burning desire.

Again Amanda kissed her way down to her breasts and while sucking one, already hard sensitive nipple into her hot mouth, her right hand found it's way underneath the brunette's flannel bottoms and her panties. The wetness she found there was incredible. Soft, warm and soaked flesh greeted Amanda's fingers with need, her whole body screaming for release. She parted the slik folds and instantly started to rub the swollen clit roughly.

"Fuck, yes! That's it, right there." Olivia cried as Amanda continued to rub her pleasure bud in quick and hard circles. She knew it wouldn't take long before she would reach an orgasm and she almost had to force her body to calm down. She wanted this to last longer. Amanda was making her feel so good and she didn't want it to end so soon. However when she felt two long slender fingers push into her soaked opening, she knew she was fighting a lost battle.

"Oh fuck yeah! Oh Amanda, that's so good. Don't stop. Please don't stop." The blonde felt her own wetness soaking her underwear at the sight of Olivia laying under her, reacting violently from her touch, pleading for more. She pulled her fingers out, which caused a disappointed groan coming from the brunette. Amanda scooted down and almost ripped her pyjama pant off, panties as well.

When the detective was completely naked Amanda went back to where she had left off. She slid two fingers in again and soon added a third one causing Olivia to lift her hips of the bed, trying to get more friction. Amanda knew she needed more and her thumb once again found her clit. With each thrust the pressure from her thumb drove Olivia closer to the edge. "Fuck me! YES, that's it. Harder, fuck me harder, please!"

Amanda sat back to get a better angle. Her whole hand was coated with the brunette's desire and she could smell her arousal as she fucked her. She watched as Olivia's large breasts bounced back and forth violently as she continued her thrusts, pounding her fingers in and out from the wet opening. Suddenly, she felt the walls around her fingers clench and she knew that it would only take a few more final thrusts before Olivia would reach her destination. She picked up her speed and pressure even more and watched as the detective's hips left the bed.

"Oh my god, don't stop, sweetie. Don't stop." she struggled to speak. "Im... Im gonna... Oh fuck, I'm coming, Oh god, Im coming. FUCK YES!" Her body shook from the intense release, feeling her walls clenching down on Amanda's fingers as she continued to move in and out, helping Liv to ride out her orgasm. Then her body went completely still for a couple of seconds before she came crashing down onto the bed. A layer of sweat coated her muscular body and her heaving chest was raising and falling with each pant.

Gently Amanda pulled out, causing Liv to gasp slightly at the loss of contact. "That was... that was amazing." Liv said breathlessly. "I don't think I've ever had an orgasm that intense. Thank you for that, sweetie."

The detective engulfed her in a strong embrace, letting her know how much it ment to her and how much she appreciated it. Amanda felt herself tense up again. She had just fucked Olivia Benson. Literally fucked her, hard and rough. Making her scream and twitch under her touch.

What had she done?


	25. Chapter 25 open

Chapter 25

Open

Olivia continued to hold the young blonde in a tight embrace, her body still calming itself down from the exquisite orgasm. Amanda stayed tense and ridgid in her arms and the detective started to become a bit worried. Maybe she regretted what they had just done? Did she think of it as a mistake or just 'in the heat of the moment' thing? She started to kiss the pale smooth neck, trying to ease the blonde's nerves. She was happy when she heard a suppressed moan slipping through Amanda's throat and Olivia hoped that she could return the favour.

She nibbled down her neck and and and tugged at her top, lifting it up and easily slid it off the toned torso. The scar on her chest was prodruding slightly and she gently grazed her lips over it. Amanda let out a moan and felt her body tingling from the sensation. She shuddered as Liv lowered her bra straps and gave the scar on her shoulder the same attention. Taking the garment off Olivia was faced with two small mounds and two perfectly errect pink nipples.

Without hesitation she pulled one into her mouth, licking, sucking and flickering it with her tongue causing the blonde to push herself further into the warm cave of Olivia's mouth. Groaning at the contact she threw her head back in pure pleasure. It had been so long since someone had touched her, showed her such affection and attention. It felt so good and she lost herself in the moment and surrendered to the delightful torture.

Olivia smelled so good and her skin was soft as silk and her body was curved at all the right places. Her hands were warm and strong, fingers so skilled, touching and caressing all areas that needed to be touched. The fire in the pit of her stomach grew and spread down to between her legs. She could feel the wetness in her panties soaking through the material. She coyld almost smell her own arousal even though she was fully clothed on the lower part of her body.

Olivia couldn't get enough of the beauty Amanda possessed. She kissed every bit of exposed skin she could find, nibbling and sucking on the most sensitive areas that she knew would bring Amanda even more pleasure. She brushed blonde hair away from her neck and kissed the scar she knew was there since her childhood, remember seeing it when she helped Amanda wash her hair. She grazed her tongue over it, wanting to take away the pain it must have caused her when it happened. She wanted to take away all of Amanda's pain but knew it was not that easy. It would take time and effort but even if the detective could make her forget and not to feel pain for only just a short time, she would do anything possible to do so.

When the blonde felt Olivia's hand slip beneath her pyjama bottoms she froze. No, her mind screamed. She couldn't go there. No one can touch her there. Images and memories flashed before her eyes and she started to panic. She curled into a ball, rocking back and forth trying to hide her exposed flesh with her hands and arms.

Olivia pulled away quickly trying to figure out what was wrong. Amanda's panic struck face told her everything she needed to know and grabbed the duvet and tried to cover the rocking woman up as much as she could with it. "Hey, sweets. What's wrong? Can you tell me what's happening?" she asked tenderly as she tucked blonde hair away from her face. The blue eyes were shut tightly, hands fiercely clutching the covers at her chest, making her knuckles turn white.

"No, no, no, no, no..." she chanted over and over trying her hardest to push the images of her father, hurting her, away.

Liv covered herself up by quickly getting dressed in just her panties and top, not bothering with the bottoms. She scooted up the bed and sat down next to the blonde, facing her. "Amanda, look at me. Look at me, honey." she turned Amanda's face close to hers by guiding it gently with her hand, stroking her cheek softly. The blonde was breathing heavily and her face was scrunched up in fear and terror.

"Amanda, baby, look at me. Open your eyes and look at me, sweetie. You're okay, you're here with me. Don't go back to that horrible place. Stay with me, honey. Stay here with me." she cupped her face and held it steadily waiting for blue eyes to reveal themselves. "Come on, sweetie."

Amanda snapped her eyes open when she realized where she was and what had happened. She started to pull back but was stopped by Olivia's gentle but firm hands. "Its okay, it's okay." she soothed.

The blonde just shooke her head frantically. "Im sorry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened. I thought you were... someone else and I couldn't stop it... I couldn't stop it, I couldn't stop it..." she was almost hysterical.

"Amanda, stop it. You're gonna make yourself sick, sweetie. It's okay, just calm down. Take a few deep breaths for me. I know you're scared and upset, honey but you've got to slow down your breathing." she took one of Amanda's hands and placed it on her own chest so the blonde could copy her rhythm. "In and out, sweetie, in and out. That's it, you're doing great."

After a minute or two the blonde was no longer hyperventilating and her body had stopped it's rocking motion. She looked at Olivia with teary eyes and broke down. "I'm sorry." she cried, "I'm so so sorry."

Liv couldn't hold her own tears back as she brought Amanda as close as possible, bringing her blonde head to rest upon her chest, stroking her hair and whispering soothing words of reassurance. "Shhh, baby. You've got nothing to be sorry for. It's okay if you're not ready. I don't want to do anything to upset you or make you uncomfortable. We'll take things nice and slow, okay? You can set the pace. There's no rush."

There was a moment of silence before Amanda spoke, her voice so low it was barely a whisper. "What if I'm never ready?"

The detective pulled her into her lap, cradling the crying woman like a child and rocked them both gently from side to side. "Oh my sweetest girl, don't you worry about that. Im honoured that you let me go as far as I did and I have to tell you that you're the most amazing woman I've ever layed my eyes on. Your body is so beautiful, scars or no scars. It's who you are and it makes you, You. Don't you ever believe otherwise."

Amanda continued to cry silently, thinking what she had done to deserve Olivia's friendship and compassion? She couldn't understand how one person could make her feel so... so... strange but still cared for. "What if I don't like who I am? What if I don't like the person I've become?"

Liv wiped at her tears tenderly. "Shh, don't say that. I know awful things has happened to you in the past and that you carry around the whole world on your shoulders, but sweetie please, do not blame yourself for that. I'm right here with you and I want to help you get through this. Whatever it is you're carrying around it has to stop, you're destroying yourself."

The brunette pulled away and reached over to her nightstand and grabbed a handfull of tissues from the box. She dabbed at Amanda's tear stained face and runny nose. Eventually she guided them both down onto the mattress, laying face to face. "Do you think you can tell what happened to you when you were younger?"

Amanda tensed up at Olivia's request and started to shut down again. Liv was quick to reassure. "Don't be scared, sweetie. He can't hurt you now. Im right here with you and you're safe. You're safe here with me. Im not gonna let anything happen to you, I promise." she felt Amanda relax slightly at those words. They were laying close, the blonde resting her head close to the brunette's, their breaths mingling.

"I use to look up to my dad." she started. "He was my role model, my safety net and my best friend. We use to do everything together. He use to take me hunting with him, camping, soccer games and baseball games. I was a daddy's girl, we were inseparable." blue eyes turned distant and dark, as if she was going back there again.

Liv leaned in and pressed her lips to Amanda's gently, bringing her back. "Hey, don't go back there. Stay with me, honey." she pleaded.

Amamda closed her eyes briefly and continued. "I think my mum started to get jealous of our relationship and she got mean. She use to tell me he liked me more than her and that all his time was spent with me. I didn't unerstand it at the time but eventually I became distant towards my dad. I wanted him to like my mum just as much as he liked me so I kept to myself a lot."

She made a pause in attempt to compose herself but felt er heart rate increase. She took a deep shaky breath and slowly let it out. Liv took a hold of her hands and broght them to her chest, squeezing them firmly.

"It all changed when Kim was born. I was fourteen, almost fifteen, and after my mum gave birth she got depressed. I learnt later on that it was called post natal depression and she wasn't able to look after Kim properly. She stayed in her room, rarely came outside, and when she did, she was like a zombie. She didn't want anyone near her, touching her or even looking at her." she snorted and gave Olivia a sad smile. "I guess my dad got sick of waiting for her to come around. He began to take a lot of interest in me. He got me new clothes, make up and even laze underwear. At first I thought nothing of it but when he started to give me occasional touches and kisses I got uncomfortable. I couldn't leave cause I had to take care of Kim, I couldn't just leave her behind so I went along with it."

Again she got a distant look in her eyes that seemed to swallow her whole soul. Liv just pulled her closer but didn't say anything. "He said... he said he had needs and... as a man they needed to be... filled. My mum couldn't do it so... I had to fill in."

Tears slid down her cheeks but she didn't make a sound. They were silent tears. Liv lovingly wiped them away. "Im sorry you had to go through that, honey. I really am."

Amanda didn't move, her body felt limp and numb. "Some nights I tried to fight back but he was too strong and he hurt me even more if I struggled so eventually I stopped. He'd beat me so bad sometimes I couldn't walk or see properly for days cause of the swelling around my eyes. Once he... he... he used a... a baseball bat and... he put it... up there. I remember screaming out in pain but he just laughed saying I needed to be punished for not obeying his rules. There was so much blood coming out from... between my legs and it continued for days before it gradually stopped. I can't have children because of it."

The detective could hardly believe what she was hearing. The pain, fear and horror that Amanda must have felt was beyond comprehension. She had stayed and taken everything that was thrown at her because of her loyalty and love for her baby sister. To protect her was her priority back then and even today she would go to hell and back for her sibling just to make sure she was safe.

Olivia tried so hard not to break down and cry for what Amanda had been through but now was not the time. She needed to be strong and present, to make sure the blonde knew that she was there for her.


	26. Chapter 26 blame

Chapter 26

Blame

Olivia was angry. So angry she could feel her heart rate increase and her blood began to boil and flow faster through her body. How could any man be so cruel, so vicious and evil? How could anyone do such a horrible thing to their own daughter, their own flesh and blood? She didn't understand it, couldn't understand it and would probably never do. The detective rubbed up and down Amanda's back in a comforting motion. "Now I understand why Kim is so important to you. You basically raised her as your own daughter."

"Yeah," the blonde snorted, "and look what a great job I did? She got taken from me and I lost almost three years of her life... and mine two. I couldn't function when she was gone, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't take care of myself the way I should have. I was in another world, in my own bubble." she swallowed with difficulty. "The things I had to do to get close to those girls were... horrible, unthinkable but all I could think about was Kim and that's what kept me going." she offered Olivia a sad smile, tears still brimming in her eyes.

"Amanda, don't do that to yourself. What happened was not your fault and you have to stop blaming yourself for something that was out of your control. No one is blaming you, sweetie. And I know what goes on behind closed doors. I've been doing this job for so many years, I know how things work and how businesses like that are run. You did what you had to do to get your sister back and that is all that matters. I'm proud of you, Amanda. Not many people would have gone through the awful things that you did to find a loved one. Im proud to know you and have you in my life and I know Kim is too. She looks up to you, like a hero and a role model, she loves you very much, I can see that." Amanda shrugged and wiped her face. "It's true. The way she looked at you in the hospital when you weren't watching, it was admiration."

Olivia brushed away a lone tear on her own cheek. "Why are you crying?" the blonde asked softly.

Liv just smiled sadly. "Because of everything you've been through. It must have been so hard for you... so awful and so... so lonely. I wish I had known you back then so I could have given you some kind of support and reassurance."

"You're here now." Amanda said quietly. "It... it means a lot. More than you know."

Liv squeezed her tighter and kissed her forehead. "Im glad I'm here now and I'm glad that you let me be here for you. I'm honored that you told me about your childhood and what happened to you. I know that you probably feel awful and exposed after opening up but I promise you that you'll feel better in a few days. Telling someone is the first step and when you've crossed that difficult line then everything will seem a bit easier from now on. Trust me."

"I'm trying to, but trust is something I'm not use to. I trust my dad with my life and then he betrayed me and did all those awful things to me." she fell silent for awhile. "I finally took off when I saw him coming after Kim. She must have been around five or six. She was in her bedroom changing into her pyjamas and that's when I saw him standing there, watching her get undressed and smiling to himself. He walked in and told her he'd give her a hand putting her pjs on."

The blonde closed her eyes and shook slightly from anger that was slowly building up. "I came into the room just as he touched her... down there and I just lost it." she started to feel sick to her stomach but swallowed her emotions and kept going. "I grabbed a baseball bat... the same one he used on me and... and hit him over the head twize. He sank to the floor, unconscious. I took a bag, packed a few things, took Kim and ran out of there." Amanda was weeping openly again and hid her face in the crook of Liv's neck for comfort and safety.

"Shhh, baby girl. Yoy did what you had to do. No one blames you. It's okay now, sweetie. Everything is gonna be okay, shhh." After Amanda had calmed down some Liv asked, "what about your mother? Have you heard from her or seen her since?"

Amanda sniffled and wiped at her runny nose. "I tried to call her a few times after I took off but she never answered. I guess she didn't want anything to do with us so eventually I stopped. I don't even know if she's still alive. I don't hate her. She did what she could, it's not her fault that she got sick."

Liv was in shock from what she had just heard. Two children, one still very young and the other a teenager, had gone through hell together. After hearing Amanda's story she felt more pride than she thought was possible. "Amanda, how did you survive?" she asked in awe, wanting to know how the blonde had taken care of them both with no money.

Shrugging, Amanda answered with a flash of shame in her eyes. "I stole food and clothes, just the necessities. I lied about my age and got a job in a club, earned my own money and they paid me well too. I found a place for me and Kim to live and then she started school. I know I broke the law but I didn't know what to do. We slept at a shelter before we moved into the apartment I got."

Olivia thought for a moment, "Would you like to find out how she's doing or where she is? I can help you find her, just say the word and I'll help you." the brunette offered.

"Thank you," Amanda whispered softly, "I think I'd like to but... I guess I'm... I don't know... afraid and ashamed."

Olivia stroked her blonde hair and tucked it behind a delicate ear. "I can understand that you're afraid, sweetie but ashamed? What on earth have you got to be ashamed of? You've done nothing wrong."

Amanda shook her head violently. "I... I've done... horrible things and I failed her. I just left her there with that... that... monster. How could she ever forgive me?" her tears were flowing again. She was sick of crying, sick of feeling so vulnerable and weak and yet she till couldn't stop the salty drops that trickled down her face. "How could she forgive me for what I did?" she sniffled.

"Honey," the tall detective tenderly kissed away the tears as they fell, desperate to ease her pain and guilt. "There's nothing to forgive. You did what you had to do to save your sister and yourself. You made a choice by leaving and it was the right one. If you hadn't left god only knows what could've happened. I'm glad you did what you did and I'm sure Kim is as well. You have to stop doing this to yourself or it's going to consume you. You survived and so did your sister and that's all that matters right now. If you hadn't put distance between you and your dad, then I never would've met you, and I am so glad that I did." Liv smiled, hoping she was getting through to the blonde.

Amanda avoided eye contact, still not believing in what Olivia was telling her. "I don't deserve you." she said quietly.

"Stop it!" Liv forced blue eyes to look at her. "There you go again, putting yourself down. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be whoever you want to be and you deserve to thrive. You deserve so many beautiful things and if I can be a part of that, if I can make some of that happen, then I would be honored. All you have to do is give yourself a break, try to see all the good thing you've done and all the good things you will do in the future. I know it's hard, sweetie but Im here every step of the way and I'm not giving up until you see what I see."

The blonde nuggled closer into Olivia's warm embrace, absorbing the warmth and comfort she found there. "Thank you." she whispered.

There was a comfortable silence between the two and Olivia thought that Amanda had fallen asleep when she suddenly spoke, "I feel uncomfortable and disgusting when someone... touches me in a... sexual way. I can't explain it. I just feel like I don't deserve to... feel good and it stops me from... you know... going there."

Liv could sense the unease coming from the woman in her arms but felt that it was important to talk about it. Amanda was finally opening up and she wasn't going to let this topic go, not when she had gotten this far. "What do you mean by 'going there'?" she asked gently, knowing that it was a sensitive subject for the blonde. "When was the last time you were intimate with somebody?"

Amanda hid her face in the crook of Liv's neck, not wanting to answer but knew that the brunette wasn't going to let this slide. "I... I'm not... I mean, I have been with... people, I just haven't had... you know..." she curled herself up into a ball, feeling the shame wash over her. "I just can't." she struggled to speak. "I don't think I can... you know, go all the way with... somebody. It's too... too personal and... exposing. I just can't."

Liv was glad that Amanda couldn't see her face in that moment. Her eyes widened and her mouth fell open from what she had just heard. Not because she was shocked that Amanda hadn't been with anybody, but because of how she felt and how little she though of herself. "Oh sweetie," the detective mumbled with feeling. "I'm so sorry you feel that way. I'm not going to push you or put pressure on you. I know this must be difficult for you to talk about so I'm gonna stop badgering you about it." she kissed the flushed forehead that was positioned under her chin. "Can I just ask you one question?" she gently probed.

Amanda nodded in confirmation. "Are you able to reach an orgasm?"she didn't wait for an answer before continuing. "I'm asking because sometimes people who have suffered severe sexual trauma can find it very difficult to climax and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's completely normal and understandable and I want you to know that, if that's the case, I'm still here and I'm not leaving. I want to be here and I want to help you through this, in any way I can."

It took a while before Amanda finally answered in a quiet muffled voice, barely audible, "Only when I'm on my own."

Olivia knew what she ment and was relieved to find out that the blonde could at least experience sexual feelings and explore them further. "Okay, that's good." she soothed and decided to leave the subject alone. "Now, close your eyes and we'll get some sleep. I'm so glad we had this talk and that you felt comfortable enough to tell me. I'm really honored that you let me touch you and go as far as we did and if you want, I'd like to help you with all this. We can work on it together and you decide the pace. If you want to?"

Feeling her eyes getting really heavy with sleep, she still managed to look pull back and look Liv in the eyes. "Okay." she whispered before she once again burried her face in the safest place she knew, detective Olivia Benson's smooth velvety skin.


	27. Chapter 27 Dear Sister

Chapter 27

Dear Sister

A couple of weeks passed and Olivia was relieved that Amanda seemed more comfortable and at peace with herself. Since the intimate talk they had, Amanda was more open and at ease. Of course she still had some down moments and would completely shut down, especially after a nightmare involving her father, but they were less frequent. The blonde was healing and still had a long road of recovery, trust and self discovery ahead of her but she didn't have to face it alone. Olivia was there. She was always there, even the times when Amanda snapped at her or said something hurtful, she was still there. Sometimes it bugged Amanda slightly. Olivia was like a rubber band, when she sensed that the blonde needed space she kept her distance but never went too far away. When Amanda needed her again, asking for proximity or not, Olivia quickly sprung back and stayed by her side until she was certain that she was alright and safe.

Sometimes it confused Amanda. She didn't know what she had done to deserve Olivia's kindness and understanding. Especially after an argument, that Amanda usually started, when the blonde felt like she had lost everything, including Olivia, the brunette was never out of reach. Unconsciously Amanda was trying to push the detective away, thinking she would be better of on her own like she had always been, but Olivia knew what was going on and would never let the blonde sink too deep into herself or build her walls completely back up again. She knew Amanda didn't mean the things she said when she got agitated and scared. She also didn't know if Amanda was aware that she was shutting the brunette out and trying to push her as far away as possible.

Olivia, however, was no stranger to this kind of behavior. She had seen it so many times and never took it personal. It didn't matter to her right now if Amanda was conscious about what she was doing or not, she would still be there for the blonde no matter what.

Amanda spent a lot of time with Kim at the hospital. She knew how strict they were with visiting hours so when the time came and she had to leave, she would hide in the bathroom and come out later on when she knew it was safe to do so. She was caught a few times but she would just play stupid and say that she didn't know what time it was or that she had fallen asleep.

Kim was on a variety of different medications and it broke Amanda's heart when she could tell that Kim was no longer the Kim she remembered. The meds had side affects, like nausea, drowsiness, feeling lethargic, decrease or increase in appetite, depression, anxiety and so on. It was not fair, on anybody, to go through such awful things when all you wanted was to feel better.

It was a struggle to watch her little sister suffer even though she said she was fine. Amanda knew better and could tell when she was lying. She also knew that it was important that she stayed on the medications for awhile longer to see if they suited her. It could take up to four to six weeks before a significant improvement could be seen, if it did, and Kim was now on her third week.

Amanda had found her own ways of getting into Kim's room, visiting hours or not, she didn't care. It had been three days sinse she had last seen her and she missed her baby sis so much. "Hi baby." she poked her head in through the doorway and was met with a smile.

"Manda, I missed you." Kim held her arms out for a hug and Amanda engulfed her in a loving embrace.

"Im sorry I didn't come to see you for the past couple of days but I thought I'd lay low for a while since I got caught the last time and the nurse almost had a fit."

Kim giggled. "That's Judy. She's okay but slightly annoying. Always comes in to see if I ate all my food, specially the vegetables." she lowered her voice and continued in a whisper. "The broccoli here is so overcooked its like eating baby food and sometimes the potatoes are almost raw in the middle and the tap water tastes like dirt."

Amanda made a face. "Urgh, that doesn't sound good. I'll get you some bottled water next time."

"And McDonald's?" Kim asked innocently, batting her eyelashes.

"And McDonald's." The older blonde added. "You look like you're feeling good. It's nice to see you smile and so relaxed. How are you feeling?"

"I can't remember last time I felt so at peace. I admit, the first week or so was awful but now the side affects seem to have disappeared and I feel stronger every day." She didn't mention how she was getting on in therapy which Amanda had full respect for. It was a private thing and if Kim didn't want or didn't feel ready to tell her then that was fine. Hopefully some day maybe Kim would share her ordeal but for now it was still fresh andbraw.

"And you, my dear sister, are holding out on me." Amanda looked at her little sister, confused. "What's going on between you and Olivia?" The older of the two tried to act completely oblivious to what Kim was referring to but she wasn't fooled easily. "Come on, Manda! The way she looks at you, the way you look at her. She's only come to see me twize in your company and I can already tell that she's crazy about you."

Amanda could feel herself blush and knew there was no use in hiding it or trying to turn it into something that wasn't true. She simply shrugged her shoulders and sighed in defeat. "I don't know what to do kim. I mean I like her. I like her a lot... like a whole lot but something is holding me back. I know I'm mad, not to let her in, but I'm scared and... and... and stupid for not doing so" She sighed heavily again, "I just don't know."

"Manda, you've got to relax and let someone in. You've always taken care of me and you've always been looking out for other people than yourself. It's time the favour is returned. Olivia seemes amazing and she cares about you. Don't let your stubbornness get i the way. I know your scared about what might happen but if you don't try or give it a shot you will regret it. It might turn into something beautiful." She smiled at her older sister, a big grin showing her that she really ment what she said.

"You've gotten wise my dear sister. Since I'm the older one, by far, I should be the one telling you these things and as much as I hate saying this, you're probably right."

"No," Kim replied, giving Amanda a gentle nudge in the side, "I know I'm right." Then she burried herself inside the older woman's arms. "I missed you. I missed you so much."

Kim's doctor, dr Desiree McKenna, walked in and spotted the two blondes in a sisterly hug. "Am I interrupting something? I can come back?" she stated.

Amanda pulled away and wiped a stray tear that had leaked down onto her cheek. "No no, it's fine. We were just talking."

"Okay," she nodded, "It seems that I have lost my ability to tell the time because I thought visiting hours were over. But I know better than to try and kick you out Ms Rollins, since I know you'll find your own way back in."

Amanda could see a hint of a smile on the doctors lips and knew she wasn't in trouble. "Um, yeah sorry."

"It's okay, I actually just came to give you both some good news. It seems that the medication is working and working it's magic. I think another week in this place and Kim will be ready to leave. Of course as an out patient." She turned towards Kim and continued. "You still need regular checkups and therapy but everything is looking good so far, unless anything out of the ordinary comes up but I doubt that will happen."

Kim's face brightened up about a million times and she flung her arms around her sister once more. "You hear that, Manda? I get to go home."

The taller blonde couldn't contain her tears any longer and let them run freely. "That's great news, sis. I'm so happy for you. Thank you so much dr McKenna." she held her sister for a long time, even after the doctor had left they were still wrapped around each other, crying tears of happiness and relief.

Amanda was nervous. A complete and utterly nervous wreck. It was dark outside and Olivia was on her way back from work. She had decided to listen to her sister's advice and let the older detective in and and let her physically see Amanda for who she is.

The bed was made, candles were lit, making the room warm and soothing with it's dim lights. Amanda was placed in the middle of the king sized bed, trying to calm her wracking nerves and ease her shaking. Two minutes passed and she heard the front door open. "Amanda? Amanda honey, you here?"

She heard Liv roam about, hanging up her jacket, locking the door and place her handbag on the kitchen counter. "Manda?" Olivia questioned in a low voice as she opened the door to her bedroom. What she saw made her heart stop only to reaume in double speed. The pretty blonde was sitting on top of her bed, hair hanging loosely over her shoulders, dressed in a very short, revealing satin night dress. The candlelight made her features soft and smooth, making her look younger and the shadows from the flickering lights danced seductively on her glowing skin. Liv took a step closer, licking her suddenly dry lips.

"Hi." was all she mustered, not trusting her voice fully as she walked over to where Amanda was sitting. "Um, can I... sit?"

The blonde was justvas bad as Olivia about not trusting her vocal skills and just nodded. She felt the bed shift and Liv sat down close to her side but not touching. The brunette just smiled and looked at the nervous woman in front of her. "You look absolutely beautiful, Amanda." she tucked blonde hair behind her ear, feeling her body warm up at the precious sight before her.


	28. Chapter 28 Sweetheart

Chapter 28

Sweetheart

Amanda scooted closer and gently pressed her lips against Liv's, lingering there for just a moment before she finally opened her mouth to grant Olivia access. Strong arms tenderly wrapped themselves around her, soft fingers caressing her exposed skin and inhaling the scent of Olivia.

The detective was overwhelmed. She wanted to rip the blonde's clothes off right there but knew that she couldn't. She had to let Amanda set her own pace or else she would probably shut down and run away. She stiffled a groan as Amanda traced her lips with her tongue, nipping it slightly before placing butterfly kisses along her jaw line up to her ear. Slipping the detective's ear lobe into her hot mouth, Olivia could no longer suppress her need and let out a low strangled moan.

Slender fingers tugged at Olivia's shirt and within a couple of seconds it was laying on the floor and Amanda's lips latched onto the tanned skin in the valley between the detective's breasts. Liv gasped at the sensation and arched her back, begging for more. Through the lacy material of her bra Amanda could make out the dark stiffened nipples and ran her tongue over one and then the other.

Amanda was still nervous and hoped Olivia wouldn't notice her shaking hands as she reached for the brunette's button on her pants. She struggled with the sipper, her hands trembling like a leaf but as she felt warm hands cover hers, she calmed slightly. "Shhh, it's okay." Olivia quietly soothed and gracefully slid the jeans down her legs and discarding her socks along the way.

When they were both half naked Olivia could sense the tension and the fear in Amanda. She stroked the blonde's cheek with her knuckles and looked into blue eyes. "Are you sure about this, sweetie?"

Amanda lowered herself down to lay on her back, swallowed and nodded. Liv scooted in alongside her, bringing their lips together for a passionate kiss while her hand caressed the blonde's side, hips and arms. Liv felt the body beneath her shiver and laid down slightly on top of her, hoping to sooth her by making skin on skin contact. "Shh, sweets. I'm not going to hurt you." she whispered. "I just want to touch you, feel you and love you. Just let me take care of you." she kissed her way down to her collarbone and gently slid one strap of the night dress down her shoulder.

Liv spent several long minutes kissing around Amanda's chest area but never physically touched her breasts. She could tell by the blonde's breathing that she was aroused but she still kept a slow pace. "Can I take this off?" Liv asked in concern. Amanda slowly sat up and raised her arms. Sliding the satin material over her head, Liv never broke eye contact.

The detective lowered them both down into a laying position again. She placed her right hand on Amanda's side, stroking her ribs with gentle fingers, moving upwards until she felt the smooth warmth of the younger woman's left breast. As she placed her palm over her nipple Amanda gasped loudly and shivered. "Shh, it's okay, baby." Liv murmured, still locking their eyes together. "It's okay. I just want to make you feel good. Will you trust me enough to do that? Will you trust me not to hurt you?"

Once again Amanda gave her a shaky nod and felt soft lips close around her other nipple. The attention Olivia spent on her breasts was amazing. The kissing, sucking, flickering and nipping of the sensitive flesh was almost enough to bring herself over the edge. She put her heart and soul into it, wanting Amanda to feel safe and secure and to show her every ounce of care and compassion she felt for her.

The blonde could feel her arousal dripping, creating a damp patch in her panties. She couldn't remember the last time she had been so aroused and her sex was almost painfully throbbing from the need to be touched. She let out a pitiful moan and her breathing became heavier by the second. Liv placed a hand on her chest and looked at her lover, concern written on her face. "You okay?" she felt Amanda's heart beat violently under her touch. "Do you want to stop, sweetie?"

"No," Amanda answered quickly, causing her to blush slightly. "No, I just... It's just so... so... Big. I know it's silly."

Liv faced her again, kissing her worries away. "It's not silly, honey. It's a huge thing for you and it's only natural to feel small after making a big step. I think it's Big too." she smiled gently, trying to calm her love's fears.

Pink lips captured Olivia's and the detective was surprised when Amanda took her hand and guided it downwards, her fingers brushing against coarse curls. Liv placed her whole palm against heated moist pink flesh and simply held it there, wanting Amanda to get use to her touch before exploring further. When the blonde pushed her hips harder into Liv's hand for more friction, the brunette gently parted her lips and slid her middle finger in between soaked folds.

Amanda pinched her eyes shut, gasped and held her breath. "No baby, look at me. Just look at me, sweetie. I want to see you." Olivia continued with the sweet torture, rubbing small circles over Amanda's swollen clit, dipping her finger slightly into her opening to collect more moisture and kissing her lovingly. Olivia couldn't believe how wet Amanda was and how wet Amanda was making her in return. She felt honoured and privileged that Amanda trusted her enough to let her touch her and see her so exposed and raw. It made Olivia's heart swell and ache for the pain and suffering the blonde had been through over the years and she made a promise to herself there and then to always respect, honour and look up to Amanda every second of every day.

The brunette kept her circular motion steady and firm. She decided against penetration, thinking it would be too much for Amanda right now. Liv could tell that the blonde was close to orgasm already but also felt that she was holding back, afraid of letting go completely.

"Look at me, honey. It's okay, just relax and let go. Don't hold back, just come for me. Come for me, sweetie."

Liv saw Amanda's blue eyes turn into a shade darker. Her slender body shook violently and her chest heaving from the intensity of the orgasm that was quickly building. She was so close, just a few more strokes and she would fall over the edge, her walls crumble and her mind go blank. She clawed at the detective's shoulder blades, pulling her closer, wanting to feel her warm skin on hers. Olivia increased the speed and pressure of her motion slightly which caused Amanda to finally give in to the inevitable. She burried her face in the crook of Liv's neck and let out a deep raspy moan.

"That's it, baby. Just let go, just let yourself go. I'm right here, shh. That's it, sweetie. That's it." Olivia soothed as she felt Amanda's thighs capturing her hand in a strong hold as she rode out her release, wave after wave. When the body underneath her went limp she still kept her hand on damp curls, her thumb gently brushing over her pubic bone, soothing her back to her senses. She didn't remove it until she felt hot tears spilling down her neck onto her chest.

"Baby?" Olivia brushed blonde hair away from her flushed face in concern, wanting to make eye contact with the blonde but Amanda wasn't ready to leave her safe place yet. "Did I hurt you? Is something wrong?" she kissed blonde hair and rubbed her naked back in comfort. "Talk to me, baby. What's going on in that pretty head of yours?"

"Thank you." Amanda squeaked out between sniffles, still hiding her face.

Liv looked slightly puzzled. "For what, sweets?" she asked, her lips brushing over Amanda's temple.

Finally the blonde pulled back and teary blue eyes met loving brown. "For everything." She kissed the detective softly before once again cuddling into the crook of her neck.

A few minutes passed and Olivia thought she had fallen asleep when she heard Amanda mumble against her skin, her voice shaky and small, "I love you."

Liv wasn't sure if Amanda had actually said it or not. Maybe she was dreaming and wasn't aware of her actions or what she was saying. But when she felt the blonde snuggle in closer and kiss her neck she knew she had heard right.

Bringing Amanda in as close as she physically could, she placed a kiss on the top of her head and then one on her temple. "I love you too, sweetheart. I love you too."


End file.
